72 People Reveal Their Secret 2026 New Year's Resolutions
Read the secret resolutions from 2024 and from 2025.
Over the last six years, I’ve sat down around New Year’s Day to write down around ten New Year’s resolutions. Last year, I split them up — five for my personal life, five for my professional life. Admittedly, I have yet to do so this year due to the weird holiday schedule, but I did have time to review last year’s resolutions. While I’m somewhat glad I didn’t even bother trying with several of them, unknowingly checking some off the list felt pretty damn good.
While sorting through them, it hit me: I needed to do this year’s edition of Secret Resolutions for the newsletter. After fielding hundreds of them, here are some of my favorites.
I’m on Ozempic and have been very irregular lately. Resolution is to have a healthy BM every day lmao.
I want to invest $60,000 in my early retirement stock account.
Fall in love with someone who actually likes me. Stop giving away the milk for free (hate that analogy but also makes some sense).
to brush my everyday tbh
Only buying natural fiber clothing here on out because I make too much money to look cheap.
I’m already fitter and more athletic than my husband, but this year I want to make it so obvious that he can no longer ignore his unhealthy habits. I’d like him to be around for a long time and he is sabotaging his way into worse, and worse health all the time and excusing it as “age.” No amount of expressing concern will get him to change his ways, so I guess it is time for another tactic.
Have my first true lesbian experience, hopefully centered around the Brandi Carlile concert I’m going to.
Stop dating under my age (I really love 27 year olds for some reason and I just turned 30 last month).
Do one activity alone each month. Go to lunch, a movie, a craft class, etc.
Stop cheating at Wordle.
Get skinny or get pregnant.
Learn how to let go of internet friends who decide they don’t want to be friends with me anymore.
Wink at more strangers.
Have more sex with my husband. Determined to get back in the groove after a long dry spell due to feeling like absolute shit during my first trimester. No one truly warned me how much those first months of pregnancy suck.
Last year my resolution was to get to a spot professionally where I could spend a lot of time with my kids and I did that. This year, I want to take it even further to the point where my kids wonder if I have a job.
Not base my self worth on what I think my east coast friends are up to based off stalking their Find My Friends locations.
Funding some small whimsy everyday. Even if I create it myself.
I just want to emotionally detach from work and stop caring if my younger coworkers like me or not. It’s so embarrassing.
Stop smoking so much pot, for real this time. Strangely, the same resolution I had in 2025, 2024, and 2023.
My 20-year high school reunion will be some time in 2027. I want to lose 15 pounds this year and show up looking hot af for it. I never make a resolution about my weight, but I am making an exception for 2026.
To get as hot as possible this year. Not for anyone else, for me.
I am going to stop picking at my face skin this year. I think I’m addicted to squeezing blackheads and it basically wipes out my very expensive skincare routine.
To get engaged. Don’t even have a boyfriend currently, but I picked out the ring and put it on my vision board for 2026.
Learn how to use the sewing machine I’ve owned for almost two years.
Do a full split (I’m 31).
Get so skinny people are worried about me.
Get either a vasectomy or male breast reduction surgery. Or both. (Line forms on the right, ladies.)
I need to do one full-body no-holds clean-up every single week. I’m a clean person but I’m talking nooks, crannies, and everything in between.
I want to more freely tell my guy friends that I love them.
Pay off my $25k credit card debt
Quit drinking refrigerator cigarettes… ahem, I mean *diet coke*
Spend more money on fancy perfume and frivolous shit just because it makes me happy.
Replace my existing friends with ones who respond back.
Correct the hunch back I got from constantly looking at my phone. Also stop constantly looking at my phone.
Have regular sex. I refuse to be celibate entering my 30s.
To channel my inner grandma and don’t use my phone. I know it sounds a little silly coming from a 20 something year old but my goal is to embrace cooking more from home, learning how to needle point, and learning how to sew and fix things for myself. All of this is to also get off my phone and have hobbies I enjoy doing that doesn’t have me doom scrolling.
Stop giving af what men think and embrace a full bush bc it doesn’t bother me and I’m too lazy to shave it.
Keep up with my employer-paid for trizepatide, while pretending it’s diet and exercise.
I have been coasting for way too long at work. I am going to either commit and become awesome at my job or I need to find something else that I am more passionate about because I can’t spend the rest of my life half assing it everyday.
Drink more wine, less vodka.
Finish the year with $1 million in investments. I started making great money two years ago and it’s actually feasible this year.
Kegel workouts for a tighter girl and better sex.
I’m starting to read books, the dirty smut books. I’m a married man and I want to see what the hype is.
Improve my spice (food) tolerance.
To write more….to travel more…to live my life in the fullest way.. which may mean quitting my job without any regrets! I’m tired of living a small life.
My close friend and I are getting into cross country skiing and secretly I want to ski more and get better than her. That or kiss the man I have a crush on.
Be happy with my appearance by my wedding.
pay off a credit card i’ve been struggling with for 7 years
To be so successful I forget my ex but he can’t forget about me.
Instead of read more… it’s read less fairy smut.
To talk to the hot guy at work without stuttering.
Encourage my husband to brush his teeth at least twice/week.
Spend more time naked at home.
Legit put my laundry away as soon as it’s done and not let it pile up in the hallway, guest room, and bedroom.
I want to kiss more. Bring back making out with strangers
Buy fancier cheese.
To go on more solo dates. I love spending time with my friends but sometimes making plans is more exhausting than actually going out. I want to be comfortable doing things solo so I can enjoy more things that make me happy.
Belly laugh twice a day and finally try a GLP-1.
Find literally one person to have sex with that doesn’t ruin my life.
Start my own business and stop letting fear of failure get in the way of getting shit done.
To go back to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned and fixed. I haven’t been in over eight years because of fear, shame, and lack of insurance. But I finally have a job that has dental. I’m terrified.
Cutting back on social media, gambling, and eating every snack in the pantry.
I want to finish my fucking book.
I want to learn how to be ‘girly’. I’ve always prided myself on easy hair, no make-up, minimalist dressing, but this year I want to be a babe. It’s so embarrassing.
Stop texting certain people back so promptly and judiciously.
Quit nicotine, period. No pouches, no bumming, nothing.
Get a fat ass.
Washing my face and brushing my teeth 2x/day. Last year was a shit show for me personally and I think I was a tad depressed by letting these things slip.
Successfully submit a Lego idea and have the set made and sold in stores.
Stop worrying so much about what people think of me. I have severe social anxiety and don’t like going places because I feel like I’m being judged by everybody I encounter.
Monthly spelling tests… I genuinely think I’m getting stupider…
Pay off $25k of credit card debt no one knows I have.
