"Summer Girls" by LFO, but you know, for Kendra.Read More
You guys, I have a confession to make. I have been wanting to do a rhetorical analysis basically since I got the DM on Twitter that said “Hey Kendra, you’re the funniest girl I think I’ve ever encountered and would be hashtag BLESSED if you would grace my blog with your witty and adorable presence.” Making fun of people is one of the things I do best…along with walking really fast and Irish Carbombs. But here’s the thing – I want to make fun of a bro and bros just don’t write things like “10 Ways To Know He Wants To Text You Back” or “33 Things I Panic About”. They just link each other back and forth to gifs of people falling down and Kate Upton running and that would make a really short article.
Today I was procrastinating around on everyone’s favorite news site: Buzzfeed. Between clicking on another quiz about which Kardashian I’m most like (Kourtney. Duh.) and another video about lies everyone tells (Like I showered today.) I stumbled across this little diddy and got pretty excited to offer some feminine insight.
It’s not the rhetorical analysis I had hoped for, but it’s a start. If anyone of you come across something you’d like me to rip apart (Murph can attest that I’m really good at it, right buddy?) hit your girl up.
I’m sorry I’m not cool enough to say “hit your girl up”. Forgive me and let’s do this.
Original question in italics. That’s how this works right? Right. Got it. Oh and it’s partially NSFW. Baby steps. I know someone’s mom reads this and I’m not ready to be that girl quite yet.
1. For women who get their periods, what does it feel like?
Do you actually want to know the answer to this? I’m pretty sure you don’t. This is like the friend who says “Look at my weird rash.” And you comply. Don’t do it, dude. Don’t look at the rash. Don’t ask about what it’s like because I know you’re going to be a big baby about be all “I can’t even look at you,” after I answer your question. Just give me the cupcakes, ginger ale, and Cool Ranch Doroitos and report back in 4 to 7 days. That’s all you need to know.
2. How common is it for women to lie about their orgasms?
How common is it for you to not know whether or not said women had one? If you’re asking the question you probably just got played. Women lie about three main things: how often we shower, what we eat, and about what we want in bed. Let the Scaries commence.
3. If you’re straight, what really is the most important quality you look for in a man?
Whether or not he’s going to judge me for eating an entire Trader Joe’s frozen pizza in one sitting and (part b) whether or not he’s going to be pissed when I don’t let him have any.
4. What’s the first thing you notice about a man?
His shoes. It’s such a tell about a dudes personality honestly. I’m not going to give you all the goods because it’s going to be a great future article. Just know that the only person who gets away with breaking the socks at the pool rule is a great man I have yet to meet and should/when I do I will absolutely Top Gun high-five: Tube Socks.
5. Do you take it personally if the man you’re sleeping with can’t/doesn’t cum?
This is some high-school shit. If you got yourself wasted-city off of shots of Fireball and now there will be no “shots fired” (see what I did there?) that’s not my fault. The only thing I take personally in bed is direction. And that direction should always be down. HEYYYOOOO.
6. When it comes to penis size, how small is too small and how big is too big?
I think this is all comes down to personal preference. Some girls have a definite opinion, some girls look at each dick as her own Everest…or hill if that’s what you’re working with. Typically the only people caring about too small or too big are guys. Seriously you guys talk about penises a lot. I have made the mistake of bring it up at the bar and I couldn’t get my guyfriends to shut up about their shlong stories. It was like the most fucked up story time of my life and I’m honestly still a little scarred.
7. What do you find most attractive in other women?
Badassery, intelligence about women’s issues, and good hair. I’m constantly on the struggle bus with my own hair so when I see a girl rocking some good hair it gives me insane jealousy. How does your bun look that good!? I just don’t understand.
8. What do you think is the main difference between men and women?
The need for a plethora of options when it comes to what you can order on the side of a main dish. I think if a guy could just order half of a pig with no salad or potato option to accompany it he honestly wouldn’t even notice. I want options, and I want so many that I have to panic and then look across the table and make him choose for me.
9. If you could change ONE thing about men, what would it be?
I would, for 48 hours, take away their ability to think about nothing so they can fully understand the horror of having your mind literally always be on rapid fire. And then I’d give it back and be like “Yeah, sucks DOESN’T it!!?”
That or the ability to pee standing up. I can’t decide which would be worse.
10. What do you like about men?
I like that they’re often taller than me so they can help me reach things at the grocery store. I like it that they’re easy to bribe so I can get them to do pretty much anything – like help me move or put together my couch from Ikea. I like that they literally never grow up so my 28-year-old guyfriends still kick rocks while they’re walking. Guys are cool. I like ‘em. No bullshit.
11. What’s something all women know to be true, but most men don’t?
Girls are way grosser than guys. From the not washing our hair to the vagina shop talk – it’s dark. We watch YouTube videos of blackhead extractions for fun, ya’ll. We’re disgusting.
12. For all mothers out there: what’s the most accurate way to describe what it feels like to be 9 months pregnant?
Can’t personally answer this one, Buzzfeed. But from what I have observed you basically have to pee all the time and your feet swell up to the point that you can’t wear shoes. Oh! And your boobs get rock hard. Uncomfortably hard. And they say we’re the weaker sex…lolz. If men had to have babies the human race would have never made it past BC. Adam would have been all “Nope, I’m out! It’s been a good run.” And that would have been that.
13. Were you able to sense you were pregnant before the tell-tale signs or a pregnancy test gave it away? If so, what did it feel like?
Talking about pregnancy gives me the Scaries. I’m gonna pass.
14. If your partner is a virgin, is that a turnoff?
When you reach a certain age the majority would probably say yes. Look. I have no desire to be a coach in life or in my perfectly lit bedroom. If I wanted a project I would have started a Pinterest craft.
15. What are some major turnoffs?
Asking for a bite of my Trader Joes pizza, I thought we covered this.
16. And finally, what are some major turnONs?
Badassery, intelligence about women’s issues, and good hair.
By Old Man Body
A few short months ago, I wrote about my New Year’s Resolutions. These included drinking more vodka, smoking more cigarettes, but most importantly, settling down. However, the longer I remain single, the more I’m coming to grips with how little I really want to have a girlfriend. I see couples all the time, and the following items are the things are the reasons I’m glad I’m single. If you’re one of these couples, realize that everyone else hates you and adjust your behavior accordingly.
The Couple Who Fights in Public
We’ve all been there at one time or another. The night isn’t going well or you left the seat up for the millionth time at her place and that turned into a knockdown, drag out fight in the middle of the day in the middle of that zoo trip the girl thought would be an awesome date/opportunity to Insta some animals. But damn kids, we’re getting too old for that shit. Nobody wants to see you air your dirty laundry in public and I sure as shit don’t need my Sunday Scaries brunch being made worse because one of you got too wasted at the bar last night. Fight at home or passively aggressively text each other until you break up and get back together two days later. It’s better for everyone.
The Couple Who Grocery Shops Together
I was at the grocery store stocking up (liquor and Lunchables) the other night and noticed an absolute babe in the produce section. She snagged a bunch of kale or some other healthy shit I don’t eat and sauntered over to the saddest sap ever pushing a shopping cart. I can’t imagine any guy being more miserable than the guy having to grocery shop with his girlfriend. Let’s take a quick inventory of my fridge: condiments, chicken I made a month ago and haven’t tossed yet, two week old salad mix, a case of Miller Lite and a random assortment of other domestic cans and bottles. I don’t enjoy grocery shopping and I can’t imagine it’s better as a couple. If you live together, make a list and have one person go get it. The two of you are obliviously blocking the aisle and I need to snag some bread for PB&J’s.
The Couple Who Works Out Together
The other day, some chick posted a picture that winded up in my Facebook feed. What did it say? “The couple who Crossfits together stays together.” BARFFFFFF. You’ve been at work all day and you can’t think of other ways to torture yourself other than “Hey honey, let’s go do some burpees or run five miles together”? If you can still carry on a conversation while you’re working out with somebody, that’s not working out, it’s screaming “HEY EVERYBODY WE’RE A COUPLE LOOK!” Get the fuck out of my face with that.
The Couple Who Works Together
Back when I was still working in an office, there were a few office romances and it was terrible. First, don’t fish off the company pier. A wise old former CEO told me that he didn’t look down on his direct reports because they were possibly creating an HR nightmare; he looked down on them because they were so lazy they couldn’t find anyone outside of the office to hook up with. Second, when you come home at night, what the fuck do you talk about? I already don’t want to talk shop with a girl I don’t work with after a long day. I imagine coming home with a co-worker every night is rehashing the same boring work bullshit and that’s not healthy. Third, everybody at work hates you, trust me on that one.
The Couple Who Is Constantly PDA in Public
Look, I’m all for a little late night bar make out, even though I’m probably to the age where it’s frowned upon. I’m especially for that kind of stuff when the girl that stood me up on the third date walks in the bar because I’m a petty asshole like that. That said, if you’re a couple, we don’t need to see that shit. I’m doing it because I’ve had a dozen shots of Fireball and I can’t remember the girls name; you’re already going home together, just expedite the process and get in a cab already. This especially goes for couples that have pet names for each other and use them around their group of friends. Guess what? Just like people hate coworkers that are dating, everyone else hates you too.
Dudes drinking hard cider... skeptical.Read More
Just let me be me.Read More
Be the bro you wish to see in the world.Read More
6. Wake the beast.Read More
Boys, proceed with caution.Read More
A necessary evil.Read More
Hard-hitting journalism.Read More
On messy buns, natural curls, and overly-dyed catastrophes.Read More
Douchebag Pete being Douchebag Pete.Read More
If you're under the age of 70 and you're wearing a turtleneck under a green blazer over a pair of white slacks, people are going to think you're a dickhead.Read More
“Sorry I didn’t get back to you.”Read More
A tradition unlike any other.Read More