Whiskey Diet

By Old Man Body

One time when I was 19, I went on a bachelor party for a cousin that was a few years older than me. My family is tight knit, in business together, so my cousins are all like brothers and sisters to me. We all went to the same school, like our dads did before us, and we were all in the same fraternity. There was a secret drink that the watering hole we blacked out at every night in undergrad served and I thought I’d get cute and throw it out at the bachelor party: the Mullet Bomb.

What’s a Mullet Bomb, OMB? Well, the Mullet Bomb is a drop shot of Wild Turkey into Blatz/Schlitz/Busch Light. Just an absolute Mind Eraser of a drink. I ordered a million of them at a backwoods bar we were at for the bachelor party and somebody ended up making me drink three of them back to back to back. That ended my night, I threw up everywhere and we had to bounce after somebody won $500 on pulltabs and I painted the bathroom in vomit. I didn’t drink whiskey for 5 years after that. When my friends were drinking Scotch or bourbon, I was drinking Stoli on the rocks (single night record at the watering hole, nine doubles straight in three hours.)

However, I bounced back and got back on the whiskey train. And now living in Bourbon Country, I’ve come to appreciate America’s signature liquor and you should too. Somehow, Wild Turkey 101 has clawed its way back into my number one utility bourbon, when a few years ago I’d dry heave just smelling it. My call to you is simple: Kentucky bourbon will solve all of your problems. You can get it cheaper than Scotch (and it’s more potent.) It drinks well neat, on the rocks, or mixed with Diet Coke (Beam and Diet is my rail drink of choice.)

I’m not going to offer detailed reviews on anything because people get passionate about their bourbon and I’ll never tell anyone they’re wrong about what tastes good to them. But here’s what I’m digging on lately in regards to bourbon:

Woodford Reserve. Best bourbon for your money, hands down. Distillery tour is a must. Feeling bougie? Go Double Oaked.

Buffalo Trace. My favorite sipping bourbon, and it’s generally around $24/bottle so it doesn’t break the bank

Wild Turkey 101. Yeah, I like getting fucked up, deal with it. It gets me there and it’s a great utility bourbon.

Angel's Envy. Easily my favorite bourbon, especially to drink neat. The story I was told was that someone left the Woodford Distillery and made Angel’s Envy. I don’t know that if that’s true or not, but at $45/bottle, it’s going to be your top shelf shit in your dry bar.

Jim Beam. Mix it with Coke, whatever, it will get you where you’re trying to go. Ideal for making a Gamechanger.

Maker’s Mark. Do you like to advertise that you’re a basic bitch? Because I don’t. Maker’s Mark is to bourbon what Grey Goose is to vodka: all hype. It goes down easy and they’ve marketed it incredibly well. Buffalo Trace or Wild Turkey are infinitely better.

Basil Hayden’s. Can’t end on a bad note with Maker’s like that. Basil will go down smooth and it gets overlooked more than it deserves.

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