Warning Signs: Blue Is The Warmest Color

The first time I heard about Blue Is The Warmest Colour was summer 2013 when it won the Palm D'or at Cannes. This screams artsy AF. You know you're on some next-level shit when the front of the movie is littered in palm trees with foreign words between them. Spielberg was even the head judge at Cannes for this puppy. And because he's Dawson Leary's favorite director, he's definitely one of my favorite directors too. Needless to say, I was pretty fuckin' psyched when I saw this available on Netflix.

But, before you jump right in like I did, beware.

It's long as fuck. The last romance movie I saw that was 3 hours long was Titanic, so now wonder Spielberg fucking liked it.  I mean, if you average out my favorite romance movies, it comes to like 96 minutes. At one point, there's a five-minute scene where Adele, who is a school teacher, just watched a bunch of little twerps reading about elephants. Unless something was just lost in translation, I'm pretty sure they could have left that on the cutting room floor.

The lesbian scenes are AGGRESSIVE. When I hear "lesbian scene", my mind just defaults to Wild Things. Just two chicks kissing in a pool. No no no no no. These scenes are ass-slappin' freakfests with no music. Legit just moaning and skin slapping for upwards of 10 minutes straight. The last NC17 movie I saw was Spawn in my friend's basement at his 7th grade birthday party. And I assure you, this was much more deserving of the NC17 tag than fuckin' Spawn was. 

Adele's mouth is open and her hair is messy the entire movie. Like, her mouth is just open. She doesn't shut it. She's a mouth-breather whose mouth is just too small for her teeth or something. There's a constant dumbfounded look on her face.  And her hair is constantly in a messy man-bun like she thinks she's Jared Leto or something. I just don't really get it.

There's a character who makes a career switch from an actor to a ...dentist? This is THE most bullshit career move I've ever heard. You don't just go from being a hotshot actor in New York to a fuckin' dentist because you "don't like being told what to do." Calling bullshit on that one, bro. You can just tell us that you couldn't hack it. We're free of judgement here.

Will deFriesComment