Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me, but I didn't go out this weekend. I know, I know. You're all like, "UP YOURS, BRO. GET OFF YOUR SOAPBOX THAT'S IN YOUR IVORY TOWER THAT YOU RODE TO ON YOUR HIGH HORSE!" I understand it. I'm not trying to be a dick, I just had some other obligations this weekend that took precedence over St. Patrick's Day. But, what I can offer is a solution to your Scaries because the Sunday after St. Patrick's Day 2012 was in the top 3 Scariest days of my life, right up there with The day after the 2011 Kentucky Derby.
I'm not saying you rascals have to follow all these steps, but I am saying that you'd have to be a complete numbskull not to. I didn't become the world authority on Sunday Scaries because I sat back with my dick in my hand waitin' for 'em. I earned those Scaries and earned those experiences. Now it's my obligation to help, especially on days like this. So let's grab these Scaries by the horns and beat them to a pulp.
Step 1: Phone a friend.
Charge your iPhone, go to your favorites list, and call the closest person to you. Today is not the day to go about your life alone. You need a Scaries compatriot who will watch YouTube videos with you and help pick out things on NetFlix. Just make sure that this person isn't the type of dickhead who will see you and say things like, "Oh man, you were hammered yesterday," or "Do you even remember when ..." in a condescending tone. Because those people are the worst. And you actually may want to delete your texting and call history before you see some shit that you just don't wanna see. Noticing that you sent, "suck me, beautiful" to your ex-girlfriend at 6pm yesterday will probably just make matters worse.
Step 2: Look at this polar bear.
Even polar bears have days like this and, correct me if I'm wrong, I don't even think polar bears know how to get drunk. We all have bad days where you crush a few double-handed-face-wipes and walk around muttering, "fuck" every 20 minutes for no apparent reason. Everyone that you saw down at that the Green Chicago River yesterday? Yeah, they feel like this too so get some mental solidarity going with all those clowns and let's move onto step 3.
Step 3: The Hangover Cure.
- Gatorade Frost Riptide Rush
- Original Alka-Seltzer
- Combine all ingredients.
- Chug the fuck out of it.
First of all, GOTTA be Riptide Rush. Almost all other Gatorade flavors are dead to me at this point in my life. It also combines well with the Alka-Seltzer tablets as well. And Don Draper uses Alka-Seltzer when he’s hungover so you know it works because he’s an alcoholic. And the Bayer? They don’t call it the “Wonder Drug” because it doesn’t make your dome-piece feel better.
Stock your place with these ingredients or submit your own cure so I can further help myself escape from my hangovers which are getting exponentially worse the further into my 20s I go.
Step 4: Watch this pelican video.
Pelicans are my spirit animal, but I'm also fairly certain that this video will be a temporary Scaries release even if you're more of an otter, stag, or chimp. I mean, come on, those eyes.
Step 5: Read "How To Be Happy."
The steps of How To Be Happy are as follows:
Stop checking email in the morning.
Don’t compare your place in life to others.
Give to someone else.
Write your thoughts down.
Give to yourself.
But, if you're too lazy or hungover to click the link, here's this knowledge bomb from the article:
Dude, quit hating on yourself. Yes, you eat too much, drink too much, yell too much, whatever. We all make mistakes. We are all human as well and humans are not perfect creatures. When you learn to accept yourself, true happiness quickly arises.
Things to give to yourself:
- Forgiveness. Yes you made a huge mistake, now learn from it and move on.
- Time. Yes you may think you don’t have time, but you actually do.
- Knowledge. Go learn something new. Or improve what you already know.
- Health. Go take a walk. Seriously, put this article down and go take a walk right now.
Step 6: Watch "The Scared is scared."
Bear with me on this one. You may be thinking that this little girl has zero idea what she's talking about, but she's obviously talking about the Scaries. Shit, she starts by saying, "I don't even know what happened yesterday." See, solidarity, guys.
"If something feels like you're closing, you should just say, 'ok, I'm fine.' I usually just let it go. I think of something that I really like to do and you just think of something else until the nervous has gone out of you. I let that thing disappear out of my head, out of my ears, out of my mouth ... I'm scared of this thing. When the scared feeling comes into you, the Scared is scared of things you like. So, I was scared of a monster, so I thought of pizza. And juice. And some meringues. And a cookie, chocolate chip cookie. I mean, oatmeal cookie. And then I ate it all up. And some milk. And the cookie was shaped like a piano. A keyboard, I mean."
Fuckin' kids, man. The foundation of our society. Having trouble thinking of something to make the Scared scared? Here's a list of Bougie Things I Like When I'm Hungover. Treat yo self.
Step 7: Queue up NetFlix/Apple TV and POST UP.
It’s Sunday. Brunch is over. You’re sitting on your couch bathing in your own filth. You’ve got the Sunday Stinks. You know that in about two hours the Scaries are going to start creeping. Some way, some how, you need to combat them. You gotta turn on that tv and get after some Apple TV or Netflix STAT. This isn’t a casual, “I think I’ll watch a movie.” This is, “Someone put on a goddamn movie before I freak the fuck out.”
Everyone’s got their own hungover movie preferences. Me? I’m rockin’ a little comedy/action mixture with a heavy side of chick-flick. “Oh man, you’re so lame, who likes the movie Elizabethtown?” Fuck off, bro. I don’t rain on your parade when you’re hungover and Scared so get off my jock.
Movies/shows include, but aren't limited to:
- This Means War
- The Other Guys
- Ocean's 11 Trilogy
- Warrior immediately followed by Elizabethtown
- New Girl
Already watched every episode of New Girl available on NetFlix? Here's a list of 33 Hilarious Schmidt Quotes That Will Brighten Your Day.
Step 8: Read "How Can I Fall Asleep Faster?"
We all know that when you're rockin' out a bad case of the Sunday Scaries that falling asleep is a daunting task. After a bender, my life usually falls somewhere between these two things:
But fuck it, if you can find an Ambien / Zzzquil, don't be afraid to use it. It can't be any worse than anything else you've put in your body this weekend.
Step 9: Listen to Sunday Night Kill Myself.
I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you.
Step 10: Talk to ya boy.
If all else fails, I'm here for you. You can follow me on Twitter at @ScaryScaries or if you're really Scared and don't have Twitter, there's a form right here for ya. I didn't go out last night and there's no True Detective this week to scare the shit out of me, so I'm bringing my A-game HARD right now. You come at me with some Scaries and I'll come at you harder with some cures.