For all of my past relationships and guy friends and reading I’ve done online I have a confession to make: I still know jack shit about men. One minute I’ll think I have them all figured out and then the next I’m sitting there staring at my phone going “WTF” completely lost. Example: I had kind of a FWB thing going on, I thought we were on the same page of not wanting to date each other just bang every once and a while, but out of nowhere he stops talking to me all together. I’m not stupid; I know he’s over it. My question is: what the fuck happened? But really, what the fuck happened? Guys? Help me out here.
But I digress.
Funnily enough – all guys seem to feel the exact same way in regards to women. Shocker, right? Members of the opposite sex being confused by each other. I know, I’m pretty revolutionary in my ideas, guys. Try to contain your amazement.
Anyhow I thought it would fun, and maybe a little beneficial, for this girl to sit down and answer some of the questions/conundrums the boys are faced with by ladies in their lives. I should preface this by saying that I’m not claiming to be like, the end all be all for girl knowledge. But I’ll give it my best shot. I’ll try to shed some light onto why the vaginas in your life are acting like, well, vaginas. Are you uncomfortable by me saying vagina yet? Good.
Why do girls fake orgasms?
Oh lord how much time do we have? I could get into the societal pressures and things we as girls grow up believing about men and sex but that’s a real downer. If you’re genuinely interested go on xoJane or something. You’ll find a million angry white girls who stopped shaving their legs because they took one Women’s Studies course who will be more than happy to yell at you about it. (No offense xoJaners. You deserve love too. Namaste or whatever.)
Honestly it’s probably because she doesn’t know how to tell you what to do, or she is too embarrassed to bring it up. This is where you have to pull your balls out of your back pocket and talk to her about it because chances are she won’t be bringing her lack of orgasm up anytime soon. And trust me, if you’ve gotten a girl off for real you will pretty much always be able to tell if someone fakes it after that.
Talk to her about what she wants and then ACTUALLY LISTEN. If a girl is saying “don’t stop” do her a favor and don’t stop. That doesn’t mean go left, or speed up or try and flip her over. She said don’t stop for a reason, so don’t stop. How many times can I say “don’t stop” in a paragraph? Are we clear? Great.
Girls fake orgasms because, plain and simple, they aren’t invested enough in you to try and make the sex work. If we’re into you, we’ll try and figure out how to have the best time possible with you in the picture. If we’re not into it, we’re going to start texting you about how we’re using leftover pizza as a spoon for ranch dressing and then eventually cut off all forms of communication what-so-ever. So if you want to keep seeing us naked you’d better figure out how to make our legs shake.
Why are girls so reckless with their birth control?
Stupidity. Also they’re too scared to get an IUD.
But I have a follow up question: what girls are being so free by admitting they took four pills today out of forgetfulness? And if you’re continually screwing her you’re double wrapping it, right? Because if not you’re equally stupid.
Why does every girl think she’s best friends with Jennifer Lawrence?
Because Buzzfeed told us so.
Probably because she seems like a down-ass-chick that we would like to get day drunk with. Celebrities are often so unapproachable or relatable – she’s not. It’s pretty universally understood that JLaw could shotgun a beer and wouldn’t be judgmental about just wanting to sit on the couch and marathon Heroes. She’d be totally into it. You can’t say the same about Miley Cyrus, you know?
Personally I’m actually more in the Anna Kendrick/Kristen Bell camp, but if Jen came to my door with a six pack and Game of Thrones on DVD I’m not going to send her away. Mi sofa es tu sofa.
Why are girls always “running late”?
Normal girls are running late because liquid eyeliner can smell fear and it’s really easy to fuck up. She’s also changed her outfit at least 6 times and is SnapChatting her friends for outfit approval – a necessary step in any girl’s pre-evening ritual prior to going out. She also probably got distracted by talking on the phone with their bEsTiE about you and how she’s not going to sleep with you but she’ll let you see her boobs because she’s “classy” and it delayed her in starting to curl her hair in that way that barely looks curled at all.
I am not normal. I am running late because I waited until the last minute to get out of bed because I found a movie marathon on TV and couldn’t peel myself away. Or I dropped the pants I was planning on wearing into the dog’s water bowl. That has happened on more than one occasion.
What’s the deal with high-waisted shorts and big hats?
I look fucking cute as shit in my high-waisted shorts, a Rolling Stones shirt I made into a crop top, Doc Martens and a hat. And I’ll kick anyone who says otherwise. That’s the deal.
What’s the deal with your half zip up from Eddie Bauer? How about the jersey you wear every weekend? Why are you obsessed with flannels? Hmmmm? Hmmmm?!
Spitting vs. Swallowing?
Swallowers generally don’t give a fuck and probably would be down to go get weird in a bar bathroom. Spitters have never seen what they look like when they’re trying to find a place to spit.
Really though, either way – why you mad, bro? She went down on you and let you finish. What she does with your gravy should be nowhere the list of your thoughts after that. If it is, you’re asking the wrong question.
After thought: Girls are messy but not too difficult once you get past the neurosis and the inability to figure out their phones. Just text them back within a reasonable amount of time, tell them you really like their hair that way, and bring them snacks. Memorizing her drink order so it can be waiting for her at the bar when she’s running late is a pretty solid option too.