"I'm pregnant!" / "I'm your designated driver for the next 9 months."
"I have a migraine." / "I'm in a fight with one of my friends so I'm skipping the dinner party she has planned so I can watch John Tucker Must Die on Bravo."
"She's nice." / "She's ugly."
"I'm gluten free." / "I'm grasping at straws for an excuse to justify my borderline-anorexic diet."
"Oh my god, I never do this." / "Oh, me? Huuuge slut."
"I don't want to sound mean, but..." / "Ya girl about to be talkin' mad shit."
"I never check Facebook." / "I ignored the fuck out of the message you sent me."
"I'm classy." / "I'm not classy enough to appear classy, so I'm going to announce that I am, in fact, classy. And I definitely follow Kim Kardashian on Twitter."
"Girls Night!" / "I'll text you around 11:30 when we're all super-hammered and arguing."
"I'm really into interior design." / "I have a board on Pinterest called 'swoon' that has over 15,000 pins of just shit that's painted white."
"We had a falling out a few years back." / "We went after the same guy. She won."
"I'm just tired." / "I'm hungover as hell from the four bottles of Charles Shaw sauvie-b that me and my bitches faced last night."
"I'm obsessed with Diet Coke." / "I'm a basic bitch."