You can tell a lot about a girl based on her physical appearance. I know that I’m not supposed to say that because Dove has their whole “Body Beautiful” campaign and hashtags like #effyourbeautystandards and #nofilter (bullshit every time btdubs) blow up my Instagram but let’s just call a spade a spade; aesthetics are important. If you can’t just know that I’m a brat with a loud mouth and terrible sleeping habits based on the “Save Water, Drink Champagne” tank and bed head I’m working with today, you’re either really unobservant or a damn liar.
There are few things in life more important to girls than their hair. In fact, the only things that come to mind are our phones and Crate and Barrel throw pillows. Think about it! We’ve been programmed to put an astronomical level of our self-worth into our locks by Disney since we were old enough to watch Ariel fawn over a glorified comb. And today isn’t much better thanks to Rapunzel and Elsa with her sexy-braid-let-down. Girls are told essentially from day one that your hair is who you are and we spend hours, weeks, and years perfecting it.
Just like a man’s preferences to blondes, brunettes, or redheads says everything about what to expect from him what a girl is rocking on the top her head says a whole lot about what’s going on in there. Basically unless a girl is trying to pull of the whole Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta deal (honestly especially then) her hair in a main indication of what level of crazy you’re dealing with. Like SS’s Lion Whisperer so poignantly pointed out: every girl is some level of bonkers. We’ve analyzed their friend type, their drink type, and now it's time for their hair.
Honey Blonde With Loose Curls
Wow. Watch The Hills much? First off no one has those kinds of curls so she isn’t fucking fooling anyone. We all have seen Lauren Conrad’s 45 minute styling routine to get those “every day” waves, we all know that she was the girl who got up at 4 AM to do her hair before homeroom and not much has changed. She’s the one who’s all “This is TopShop” and kind of does the up-down-side-eye at another girl when her blouse is complimented even though she has a Pinterest board filled with quotes about helping other women.
She definitely owns a flower crown even though she’d never be caught dead at a music festival and never misses an appointment with Ken at the salon to keep that Elle Woods blonde perfectly perfect. She’s the girl who infuses her laundry with essential oils and aerates her wine even if it’s Two-Buck-Chuck. I secretly hope she cries in the shower.
Bang-ability: 5/10. She definitely still uses tips from Cosmo.
Date-ability: 8/10. As much as a hate to admit it your, wedding will be fucking beautiful.
Crazy Chance: 5/10. Bitchy and crazy are two different birds, my friend.
Obviously Dyed Red Hair
Fuck. No. Anytime I see a girl running around with that maroon, obviously fake red hair I just want to tackle her, drag her to a gay man at an Aveda and say “HELP HER.” That whole fake red thing played out after we stopped thinking Good Charlotte was punk. It's time to retire your Hot Topic t-shirts and go back to brown, sweetie.
Redheads are crazy, it’s just a fact. They’re a ton of fun and witty as all hell, but they’re nuts. From Little Orphan Annie to our favorite mermaid to Helen of Fucking Troy (yeah, there was a reason your boy Paris went after her) redheads have always been at the top of every list. There’s a reason girls try to emulate it and replicate it. Redheads are rare and anyone who wants to be one is hoping to be a certain level of cool that she has yet to reach. They are looking for that “it factor” and if they can’t get it from DNA they’re going to try their darndest to get it from a bottle.
There are two types of fake redheads out there. Fake a red like Emma Stone? Good for you, let’s get drinks. Fake maroon like Ariana Grande? She’s going to pick a lot of fights about your “tone”. Buckle up; you’re in for a bumpy ride.
Bang-ability: 8/10. Think of her like the “bad girl”. You’re going to see a lot of things that can’t be unseen.
Date-ability: 3/10. “I can’t believe you’d make that face at me front across the room in front of my friends.” Woof.
Crazy Chance: 9/10. Like…may light your stuff on fire in the front yard crazy. You’ve been warned.
Any Unnatural Color
Ahhhhh the girl equivalent of still wearing “slogan” shirts after the age of 21. Any girl who puts purple in her hair after college has a serious case of Peter Pan syndrome. She still watches cartoons and may or may not have eaten dry cereal out of the box after sleeping through six alarms. And just know that all of this is coming from a girl who had pink in her hair until last year. ~*WhAtEvEr*~.
She thinks she’s being “fun” and “whimsical” but really everyone is talking behind her back about how she’s trying to be Kylie Jenner and missing the mark entirely. She’s kind of immature and absolutely still gets carded everywhere she goes. She definitely owns a tutu and, unlike LC up top, she has definitely cried in the shower over adulthood once or twice.
Bang-ability: 8/10. She’s a giver. She aims to please. She also had daddy issues.
Date-ability: 2/10. Let her grow up a little bit. Do you really want to tell your girlfriend how to do her taxes? No, no you don’t.
Crazy Chance: 7/10. Let her mellow out a little bit. Do you really want to console your girlfriend when she’s being audited? No, no you don’t.
That Good Ol’ Messy Bun
Well she definitely did not wash her hair today. Nope. If you touch if you’re coming away with a lot of dry shampoo and a lot of regret for your choices, just sayin’. If she's got a headband WITH a bun just don't get within a five-foot radius of the hair because that shit is DIRTY.
But the thing about the messy bun is it means she's a down-ass-girl. Any girl that rocks the messy bun out and about is chill AF but also looked around in purse for a fuck to give that morning and just couldn’t find one.
A messy bun is the international symbol for one of three things:
- I’m hungover.
- I’m on my period.
- I don’t give a shit what you think.
You may think the public messy bun is a sign of giving up but I disagree. The girl that rocks the PMB is the girl that you want to go shoot pool with, drink beer with, and ultimately end up getting handsy on a couch with. She’s not going to get all needy when the game is on and she just really wants to show you the video of a bulldog puppy she found on YouTube. She’s not going to need to try on like fifteen different dresses before you go to Dave and Busters. She’s easy, she’s the illusive cool girl. Snatch her UP.
And trust, when she washes that bun her hair is going to be a sight to SEE.
Bang-ability: 6/10. No muss no fuss. This is efficient relationship sex. Only unicorns can bang like purple hairs forever.
Date-ability: 9/10. Read: wife material.
Crazy Chance: 3/10. She’s too busy being chill to be crazy.