I wrote my first impressions/snap judgments based on first dates drink choices a few weeks back and it got me thinking about personality types based on alcohol. You know, because I’m deep. Not because I’m currently battling with a serious case of writer’s block and might have a drinking problem.
It’s also been brought to my attention that all of the guys I hang out with/call my buddies have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to picking women. I sent OMB a text last night that said: “You need to get away from her before she steals your identity.” And to one of my college friends last week, “Any girl who admits that she thinks about what it would be like to be besties with Selena Gomez is admitting that she’s going to cry after sex.” I’m making it my personal mission to keep my boys away from crazy girls. Or at least I’m going to try.
I’ve said it before and now I’ve said it again: the best partner in crime when you need to be wing-manned is actually a wing-woman. We’re girls! We know exactly what you need to say or do to get that girl to go from only thinking about making out with you outside to calling a cab for the both of you. Just don’t sleep with your wing-woman. Bad idea.
Don’t have one? Don’t worry. That’s why you’re going to get over the fact that there’s a girl at Sunday Scaries now because it means you have me to decipher the weirdness that lingers behind the expertly Sephora-lined-eyes that are currently staring at you over a pint glass.
Let me be your girl Sherpa. As we climb through dive bars and sweaty clubs together I’ll help you dissect the ever living shit out of her Twitter and her texts until we figure exactly what this biddy is hiding. But before we get into the next-level-creepiness we should begin with the basics.
Let’s start with what she’s drinking.
Unless you’re at a barbeque, a frat party, or it is summer (you can drink whatever you want during the summer or on a boat, those are the exceptions) this girl is a cheap date. She obviously just got away from being the girl who “didn’t like beer” unless she was blacked and being lifted up over a keg. But she doesn’t like it enough to stomach anything other than a BLL or a Blue Moon. If you’re not looking to learn her middle name or see her when the sun is up get four of them in her and you’ll be good to go. If you want a shot at having an actual meal with this one you should probably get her a water because chances are, she’s a lightweight and won’t remember meeting you otherwise.
Girls who openly drink BudLight Lime give zero fucks. She’s the one doing a shoot and reload in the bathroom during a night out or the one making her Uber driver take her through the Taco Bell drive through. She can be fun, but sometimes a little too much. Tread carefully.
Crazy Chance: 7/10
Scaries absolutely nailed it when he said that vodka soda drinkers aren’t eating. She’s not, and she’s going to get WASTED. She’s worried about the calories in beer, the grape she ate for lunch, and probably the lemon wedge in her vodka soda. She also doesn’t know enough about alcohol to know how to order anything else, so she just sticks to Old Faithful – the Vodka Soda.
If you get with a voddy soda drinker you’re setting yourself up to get a lot of belligerent texts around midnight every Saturday. Sometimes they’ll be coherent and just “Come over at 1.” But sometimes they’ll be “why don’T u everr want me toooo see youre FrieNds?” and good luck getting away from that one because even when she sobers up, seeing that text is going to linger in the back of her mind and even though you aren’t dating you’re going to fight.
A vodka soda drinker is a Forever 21 come to life. Sparkly, fun for a minute, but bound to fall apart the second you let her into an adult situation.
Crazy Chance: 9/10
Complicated Mixed Drink. Probably with an embellishment.
She absolutely has a Marilyn Monroe quote decal above her bed. She’s definitely wearing leggings and is one of those girls who posted a #nomakeup selfie on Instagram where she was clearly wearing makeup. “Bang Bang” was her JAM and she’s really excited for the Taylor Swift world tour this summer because Taylor just “gets her”.
The mixed drink girl is the basic to end all basics. Take the little sprinkling of basic-ness that all white girls have and through it into a blender and top it with lowfat KoolWhip because “she’s been really good this week”: that’s this girl. She’s ordering annoying drinks and saying annoying catchphrases with all of her friends because SURPRISE: she’s annoying. This is the kind of girl that if I catch one of my boys going after I look for a newspaper to swat him with like a puppy.
No. Just no.
You should ask for her ID because unless she’s with a bachelorette party I think there’s a chance she’s underage.
Bang-ability: 0/10 (Mostly because of the underage thing. If she’s over 21 she gets a 2. I’m being generous.)
Crazy Chance: 2/10 (Annoying and crazy are two different birds, my friend.)
Gin and Tonic
G&T drinkers are complicated. On one hand they’re chill as fuck and just want to hang out and get a buzz on. On the other they know the difference between good gin and basically just drinking fermented Pine Sol so they can be picky.
A girl who wants a G&T is down with drinking in a bar alone which is either a sign that she’s cool and not going to lose her shit on you, or maybe is borderline an alcoholic. See? Complicated.
G&T drinkers aren’t afraid to be “one of the boys” but don’t often cross the line of being the girl who’s just trying too hard. You know the girl I mean. The one who’s “really into football” but only jumped on the Seahawk bandwagon when they made it to the Superbowl? The one who claims she’s into playing video games but by that she means Mario Kart and nothing else? Yeah I don’t mean her. A Gin girl is down with just chilling with the guys because guys don’t sit around talking about how fat they feel. And she’ll bring snacks (that yes, OMB, are not gluten free) so that’s cool.
I haven’t totally figured out gin girls probably because I am one. But I do know I like them – they’re often the elusive “cool girl”. They get an A in my book.
Crazy Chance: 4/10
White Wine is for summer afternoons and bougie ladies at country clubs who are living off of family money. Red wine is for winners. #TeamRed
Red wine drinkers aren’t desperate. You won’t find them crawling around a sports bar in a mini skirt even though is 20 below just hoping someone asks to buy them a drink. They have a job and can buy their own drink thank you very much. A girl whose drink of choice is red wine probably has a savings account with more than the $5 in it necessary to keep the account open. But she’s been through enough ragers to know how to hang with the best of them and will forgive you if you make her cry on the sidewalk when she’s just trying to get your drunk-ass a cab. *cough*SCARIES*cough*
Red wine drinkers are mature enough to handle their alcohol so they won’t embarrass you at family Thanksgiving. They also probably brought a few bottles with because they’re smart enough to recognize that their own buzz is their responsibility and oh yeah, it’s polite.
Red Wine drinkers are awesome. Marry her. I will get gin drunk at your wedding.
Crazy Chance: 4/10