June 6th, 2015. The first of my best friends is getting married at a bougie country club wedding. Ya boy? He's standing up at this thing. The reception situation? Allow the groom to explain:
"So everyone will be sitting at a long table in front of the guests next to their significant others. Everyone has a significant other besides you, so Sunday Scaries, if you bring a date, we need to approve her first."
*Wide-eyed Emoji* So you're telling me that out of everyone you guys asked to be in your wedding party, I'm the only single person? And to amplify this, you're going to create a line-up in front of the guests where everyone is clearly paired off except for me? And you also have to approve her, so my stripper idea is out? Alright, sweet, yeah, this isn't giving me ANY anxiety AT ALL.
Remember when my internet girlfriend, Amelia, tried uninviting us to every summer event of 2014 and I forced her to claw her way back into my life by setting up a plus-one contest that she was obviously going to win? Well that situation was training wheels compared to this.
Now, I'm faced with a conscious coupling (sup, Gwyneth Paltrow?) decision. Do I put my nose to the grindstone and find a bird to take with me, or do I crush the Leonardo DiCaprio lifestyle (RIP Clooney) and hit this wedding up solo? While the upside of going alone is sky-high, the downsides are absolutely and unequivocally frightening.
Pro: I can #RideTheWave.
For those of you that don't know what it means to #RideTheWave, it's essentially hooking up with babes sequentially because you're on a hot streak. It's a known fact that once you hook up with a girl, you can either use that momentum to your advantage (#RideTheWave), or you can be a numbskull and sit at home with your dick in your hand. You get a certain stink about you that girls somehow can't resist.
I mean, do I sit at this front-and-center table just tossing out wink bombs and putting out the vibe? That's the only move if I go solo, right? An early-June wedding screams "Surf's Up!" to me. This is so full of possibilities that even Johnny Tsunami may get intimidated by the swell.
Con: People are going to wonder if I'm gay.
When you're literally the only person sitting in front of a room full of people at a wedding without a significant other, the general public's assumptions of you are pretty much limited to the following:
- This guy just got dumped.
- This guy is so un-dateable that he couldn't even find a date to one of his best friend's weddings.
- This guy listens to Elton John private sessions on Spotify.
When your hair is this good and you're this much of an extrovert, you walk a fine line when it comes to people wondering if you're gay or not. Girls flock to hang out with gay guys because they're unassuming and won't try to bone them. But me? Girls hang out with me because I have a great personality, crush romantic comedies (which shows I have a sensitive side), and I smell good as fuck. Does the casual non-renaissance man maybe think I'm gay sometimes? Yeah, for sure. Do I want an entire room whispering this? No way.
Pro: I don't have to worry about babysitting anyone.
If I just swipe some broad off the street to be my side-piece for this shindig, a lot of risks come into play. If I don't know this chick well, I don't know what types of stories she'll be telling people when I'm watching the Red Wings Stanley Cup game at the bar. I don't know how she'll be able to hold her 13th glass of champagne. I don't know if she'll tell people that I might be "the one." And fuck, I sure as shit don't know if she'll just end up going home with Douchebag Pete (which she clearly will be).
Ridin' Solo allows me to wash my hands of (most) responsibilities and just simply go Own Program on the entire situation without any stresses except "am I sweating through my jacket?" and "are all of our friend's parents going to see us drunker than they've ever seen us before and confront us about it the next day?"
Con: I won't have anyone to babysit me.
If there's one thing about my collective group of friends and I, it's that we need structure. We need people whispering in our ears to tell us where to go next. We need people ensuring we're at the right place at the right time or else we find ourselves all waking up from a blackout on a sectional couch with the DVD menu of The Condemned blasting in our faces while someone texts us, "Did you guys seriously skip dinner last night and just drink whiskey-Vernors while listening to Kid Rock's Live Trucker on repeat?"
Because this day is an honor and a tribute to two of our best friends, we all need to be on point. And there's no better way to ensure you're on point than to have a responsible girl keeping you in check throughout the weekend.
So, I gotta ask,