Wedding Applications

My takeaway from accepting wedding applications for the Chicago-that-is-now-Orlando wedding? People wanna be this guy's plus-fuckin-one.

Without further adieu, let's sift through these applications.


Name: Amelia "Smokeshow Main Attraction Not Sidepiece" Diamond

Are you above an 8?: Yes

Do you have attire to match a Lilly Pulitzer tie?: Yes

Favorite Wedding Song: I Want You Back by the Jackson 5.

What are your expected travel fees that I have to cover?: $5000

What's our backstory that we'll inevitably have to tell the bride and groom?: I think we both know this story.

On a scale of 1-10, how much shame do you have in trying to make any and all of my ex-girlfriends in attendence jealous?: 1

Are you down to clown?: Yes

Sunday Scaries Instant Analysis: The way I feel about Amelia is the way Diddy feels about the girl he sings to in "I Need A Girl (Part Two)". 5'5" with dimples, potential wife credentials. Serious question, Amelia -- have you even been to Saint Tropez and seen a brotha play a mandole? Ay yo, the sun don't shine forever, but as long as were here then we might as well shine together.

I think Amelia put a $5,000 price-tag on her travel expenses as a deterrent, but I'm just taking this as her playing hard-to-get and it's driving me completely bonkers. So yeah, I'm currently taking donations for the Amelia wedding fund.

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Name: John

Are you above an 8?: Yes

Do you have attire to match a Lilly Pulitzer tie?: Yes

Favorite Wedding Song: Hungry Like the Wolf

What are your expected travel fees that I have to cover?: $26.97, travel fees = to a handle of everclear and a 1 liter of grape pedialyte.

What's our backstory that we'll inevitably have to tell the bride and groom?: I'm an up-and-coming tech entrepreneur, and we met at a bookstore (tinder)

On a scale of 1-10, how much shame do you have in trying to make any and all of my ex-girlfriends in attendance jealous?: 8

Are you down to clown?: Yes, born to clown.

Sunday Scaries Instant Analysis: To be completely honest, not even entirely sure who this John guy is but he came in HOT with his case to be my +1. This dude clearly knows I love Tinder, his travel fees are on point (and itemized perfectly), and the phrase "Born to Clown" is now replacing Wet Willies as my theme for the summer.


Name: Teddy's Bitch

Are you above an 8?: Yes

Do you have attire to match a Lilly Pulitzer tie?: No, have to ask your friend if I can borrow his bow tie.

Favorite Wedding Song: Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer

What are your expected travel fees that I have to cover?: $1.00, Unlimited Sauvy B- White Diesel City.

What's our backstory that we'll inevitably have to tell the bride and groom?: See lyrics for Pontoon by Little Big Town.

Sunday Scaries Instant Analysis: For those of you that don't know Teddy: I'm sorry your life is void of all meaning. Taking his girlfriend to this wedding is like having Miguel Cabrera in your line-up - she'll bat for average, she'll make everyone else around her better, and she'll be fun in the clubhouse aka at table 29. Get the Sauvy B on ice ready, Teddy's Bitch, because you're officially all over my radar for this.


Name: DBP

Are you above an 8?: Yes

Do you have attire to match a Lilly Pulitzer tie?: Yes

Favorite Wedding Song: It has to be "Shout". If somehow the bride and groom have their first dance to "Picture" then I'm going with that.

What are your expected travel fees that I have to cover?: Chi-city my city, it's all covered.

What's our backstory that we'll inevitably have to tell the bride and groom?: (EDITED DUE TO NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT REGARDING THE BUSINESS THAT IS GOING TO MAKE US MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.)

On a scale of 1-10, how much shame do you have in trying to make any and all of my ex-girlfriends in attendence jealous?: 1

Are you down to clown?: Yes

Sunday Scaries Instant Analysis:  If ya don't know, "DBP" stands for "Douchebag Pete". One time when he was at an ice bar in Korea, he thought he was "pulling a fast one" by peeing on the bar and actually just peed his pants. Is that the kind of person you want to be accountable for at someone else's wedding?

ABSOLUTELY.


Name: TEDDY

Are you above an 8?: Yes

Do you have attire to match a Lilly Pulitzer tie?: Yes

Favorite Wedding Song: Celebration by Kool & the Gang

What are your expected travel fees that I have to cover?: 1. $11.95 for a liter of Kentucky Gentleman

2. A personal seamstress since I'll likely have no buttons on any of my clothes by the end of the night.

3. $10,000 for my lawyer.

What's our backstory that we'll inevitably have to tell the bride and groom?: "Seriously though, how good do we look?"

On a scale of 1-10, how much shame do you have in trying to make any and all of my ex-girlfriends in attendence jealous?: 1

Are you down to clown?: Yes

Sunday Scaries Instant Analysis: NOW WE GETTIN' WEDDING APPLICATIONS. THAT is how you apply to be someone's same-sex heterosexual plus-one for a wedding.


Vote now:

Who is most deserving to crush this wedding? *

Oh, and if you want to listen to the official Sunday Scaries Wedding Playlist, here you go.