Things girls say that I hate, pt. VI.

The other day I was at a restaurant and saw a woman wearing a hat that said, "Chocolate made me do it." The hat itself was purple, with "Chocolate" written in pink script and "made me do it" in white block lettering. While I'm not sure what chocolate actually made this woman do, I did become sure that I still don't fully understand shit that women say. So without further adieu, part IV of Things Girls Say That I Hate.

"I'm so random." No, you're not. You're just fishing for an excuse to say dumb shit. The only funny girls in this world are Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey. Deal with it.

"I just peed a little." I'm in the camp of "girls don't fart or go to the bathroom ever" so hearing this just kills me a little bit inside. There are other ways to express extreme laughter (but don't use the phrase "gut laugh" because it insinuates that you do, in fact, have a gut).

Calling their mom by their first name. If I know you and you're reading this, you're thinking to yourself, "Oh my god, he's saying this because of me." Newsflash: every fucking girl between the ages of 18 and 29 does this. And this wouldn't be so bad if you dropped it casually in conversation, but no. You manage to emphasize your mom's first fucking name every time you spout it off. CATHY does this. CLASSIC CATHY. Ohhhhh, CATH. We get it. You guys drink wine together. No one cares.

"Wanderlust." You're not unique for using this word as a part of your cover photo or as a hashtag on your Instagram. It's watered down and diluted, and I think a high school girl with braces probably came up with it on Tumblr one day after her parents wouldn't let her go on senior year spring break to Punta Cana.

"I need to shave my legs." ????????????????????????? I could probably stand a manscape but you don't see me making a PSA about it.

"Bae." I can try to make assumptions of how this is supposed to be used but that would suggest that I should actually care what it means, which I don't. I'm going to assume it has something to do with Beyonce in some capacity.

#ChocolateMadeMeDoIt