I made the huge mistake of watching Doll & Em on HBO the other night. It's awful. At one point, there was a steady-cam of the main character (either Doll or Em, I have zero ambition to decipher the two) falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hands while passive-aggressively asking the other one to get her some ice cream. If I wanted to spend my nights watching that shit, I'd just get back together with my ex. All in all, Doll & Em brought up a whole new slew of Things Girls Say That I Hate because both of them were just too self-involved and too maddening for me to just ignore.
"Am I hungry?" Dude, I don't know. Are you? Honestly, you probably are because when I was grabbing a beer out of your fridge, I saw a take-out box that had "a moment at the lips, forever at the hips" and "NOT FOR LATE NIGHT!" scribbled all over it. Things like that scream that you're either psychotic, starving, or dieting for spring break because you haven't done shit all winter.
"Sorry I'm not sorry." Ohhh, look at this bad bitch! It's just your world and we're all living in it, huh? You think Rihanna walks around saying that after she does things? No, she just does badass shit off-the-cuff because she truly doesn't give a fuck. Saying #sorrynotsorry indirectly acknowledges that there's a societal expectation that you actually should be sorry about something. Leave being a rebel to the Rihannas and Kid Rocks of the world and go back to wondering if you should get bangs or not.
"Seriously. Nothing is wrong." Yeah, your furrowed brow, clenched fist, sweatpants, and tampon falling out of your purse really scream, "I'm lovin' life right now!" You're a real barrel of laughs over there grumpily watching Millionaire Matchmaker and power-eating popcorn without blinking. If you don't mind, I'll be over here pretending to read something on my phone/Tinder'ing.
"Can you fix my printer?" No, go to the fuckin' Genius Bar. I've got other things to do. And by "other things," I mean "I'd cut my pinky toe off than replace the ink cartridges on your your fucking HP Deskjet."
"Betch." Just... I don't know. This.
The next season of True Detective is rumored to be, "[about] hard women, bad men and the secret occult history of the United States transportation system." If these "hard" women are anything like Doll and Em (or anyone that says anything remotely close to the above), they better be offset by Rihanna and Miley or something. Otherwise I'm walking into the sunset with Rust and Marty.