Things girls say that I hate: The Final Chapter
My biggest regret about these pieces is that I called the last one "Things girls say that I hate, an addendum" and not "Things girls say that I hate, pt. II." It was a natural play that I should have made considering my favorite rap video is "I Need A Girl, Pt. II" starring P. Diddy, Ginuwine, Loon, et al. I taught myself to C-Walk because of that video (see: 50 seconds in), despite the fact that I didn't have any Timberlands to practice in. I just had the mirror in my mom's walk-in closet. But, as the saying goes, "When life gives you lemons, teach yourself how to C-Walk in your mom's walk-in closet with or without Timberlands." But I digress. Let's get away from the awesome shit Diddy says and into the dumb shit girls say.
"I feel like Jennifer Lawrence and I would be best friends." Just because she doesn't give canned answers at awards shows doesn't mean that you would just click with her. Would you have had the balls to tell her that her short haircut looked like dog shit? Negatory. Would you be able to deal with her annoying laugh? Ain't. How would you feel when she stole every dude that came around your clique? This friendship ain't sounding that desirable anymore, is it? Make sure you can ball before you try to play above the rim. And Anna Kendrick is cooler anyway. Go bark up that tree.
"I am so awkward." Oh my god, like, are you? That's so zany and off-the-wall of you to say. You're so self aware and I just think that's so great. Wait, no.
"I'm obsessed with wine." You know who else was "obsessed" with wine? Amy fuckin' Winehouse. Not so "obsessed" with wine now, are you?
"Do you have Chapstick?" Yeah, let me grab it out of my fucking clutch. I think it's underneath my tampons and diaphragm.
"I'm a total foodie." Just because you like posting photos of avocados on Pinterest doesn't mean you're a fuckin' foodie. Oh, you like eating at nice restaurants? So does the rest of the world. Set yourself apart and get a real hobby that doesn't involve eating.
Not looking for much here. Just a little vocabularic diversification. "What I need is simple. 5'5" with dimples, potential wife credentials." - Sean Combs
He did neglect mentioning the maternal instincts of Tami Taylor though.