After writing, "Things girls say that I hate", I feel like I was overcome with noticing annoying female phrases. So, without further ado, let's let the show go on.
"_______ is everything." A pair of shoes does not qualify as "everything." Jennifer Lawrence isn't "everything." Nothing is "everything." If it was, then "everything" would be "everything" and nothing would actually exist.
"Skype date soon?" What percentage of the time do you think girls actually follow through on the Skype dates that they attempt to plan on completely unrelated Facebook posts? The over/under has to be around like, 4.5%? This is just a bunch of girls that have lost touch in the past x-amount of years and don't want to come to the understanding that they straight up aren't friends anymore. It's delusional and we see right through it.
"Food baby." A public service announcement to any girl with a boyfriend: Don't say this shit in front of him. It combines the two things he's scared shitless of when it comes to you - you getting fat, and you getting pregnant.
"Amazeballs." Just what the fuck. If there was a dinner where people invited dumbass motherfucking sayings, Amazeballs would be at the head of the table. I'd stiff Amazeballs with the check like the Varsity did to the Ducks in Mighty Ducks 3, but then I'd take Amazeballs' girlfriend home and bang her only to block her number after and never make eye contact with her in public again.
"I'm eliminating drama from my life." No, this just means that you don't want to confront an unresolved issue that you probably started in the first place. So put on your Hunter Boots, walk your ass over to your friend's place, and apologize to her for being unreasonable in that drunken argument you had last weekend.
"Girls night!" I'm going to go on record and say that I've probably hooked up with more girls who are having a "girls night" than I have when I've actually made plans to hang out with said girls on a normal Friday. They just get together, bitch about how much guys suck, drink two too many raspberry mojitos, then realize that their friends are annoying and they're craving the magic stick. Girls Night ends in one of two ways - you're either gettin' it or you're crying over something. (That paragraph made it sound like I often hook up with girls. I've learned that my mid-to-late 20s are just a big cold streak, party of one.)
"Is this real life?" Yeah, bro. It is. But when I hear you say that, it makes me wish that it wasn't.
This is far from over, ladies. Hold onto yo' butts and watch yo' moufs.