Things girls say that I hate, pt. IV.


...because not all good things have to come to an end. I go out, I'm social, I hear things that I can't ignore, I make a mental note of them. When I'm squawkin' at broads, I'm probably doing a fair amount of judging. It's just me. It's what I do. So let's just sit back, relax, and talk mad shit about annoying chicks.

Alright, if we're texting and/or gchatting - first, congratulations on officially being on my radar. Ya done good, kid. Secondly, know that I can deal with "lol", but purely because the world has been conditioned to accept it as much as none of us really actually wanted to. But what I can't come to terms with are things like, "lolol", "lawlz", and "lawlersaurus rex." People just don't say these things anymore. They say "ha" if it's quasi-funny, "haha" if it's the run-of-the-mill funny, "hahaha" if it's exceptional, and "Bahahaha ..." if it actually makes them laugh out loud. These are the rules. Learn 'em.

When girls talk, it’s a given that at some point in the conversation one of them will say, ‘I’m thinking about getting bangs.’

Furthermore, I'm going to tweak your online presence a little more by discussing your photo captions. When you post "standard", what you're doing is not a standard thing that you actually do. It's not standard for you to dance on tables in Mexico. Unless you're posting a photo of yourself texting while sitting on your couch binge-watching NetFlix, don't caption that shit with "standard." And your photo with "#nofilter"? It probably either needs a filter because it sucks or it has a fuckin' filter and you're not fooling anyone. We all see sunsets. We all take the photos. You're just the one dumb enough to post it thinking that you'll impress people. Just please please please eliminate these things along with calling your parents by their "funny" nicknames in an attempt to show that you guys are, like, sooooo tight now. "Mom" and "dad" will work just fine.

When girls talk, it's a given that at some point in the conversation one of them will say, "I'm thinking about getting bangs." I just pray that I'm never a part of this conversation because I just don't care. If you're asking anyone about this, you've already made up your mind that you obviously want bangs and you just want the public consensus that it's a good idea. If I'm dating you, I'm going to say no to this all-day-everyday so we don't have to have the conversation about how you're "sick of your bangs" after two months of looking like Zooey Deschanel. We're just going to completely skip the bangs period of your life, which is hopefully the only period skipped while we're dating.

And speaking of hair (crushed that segway, it's whatever), I was once at a charity function where two girls approached me, one of which was looking at my hair (because my hair was on that night). When I asked why she was in fact looking at my hair, the other girl said, "Conceited much?" and then walked away. This made me realize that if you say ANY word followed by "much" in that manner, you're awful. You're scum. And did girl 1 admit to looking at my hair? Yes, yes she did. Conceit THAT, girl 2.

And finally: "I literally just ate a thousand thin mints. Literally so happy Girls is on tonight. I'm literally soooo pissed about the traffic on my way to the gym. Literally, I can't stand her. I'm literally dying from this hangover. Literally cannot go into Target without spending $100." Yeah, this is probably gender neutral, but it's a lot more annoying if you read it in a high-pitched whiny girl's voice than compared to a dumb bro's voice.

I don't mean to have #nofilter here, but I literally don't give a fuck if you cut your bangs. Lawlersaurus rex much?