There are a lot of articles out there right now about what a girl does before the notorious “date five If you’re unfamiliar with the expectation of Date Five, you obviously have not seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Friends with Benefits starring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Basically Date Five means hitting a home run, sealing the deal, finally having sex. For some girls this is actually date three, maybe it’s date one, or maybe you’ll be lucky to see the inside of her apartment after a month and half. You poor bastard.
A lot of writers have been out there kind of shattering the illusions of what girls do in to prepare for some naked time. And I want in.
No girl is that beautiful, messily curled and coiffed vixen that opens the door with a “Hey you,” in her Free People (that means really expensive and lacy, boys) slip dress. Ask a delivery man. Delivery men have seen some dark shit. They’ve seen us in the ripped “Relay for Life” t-shirt and US Army sweat pants with Proactiv dotted on our faces while we shove twenties at them and grunt for our Dominoes like it’s a hostage situation. They know.
If you’ve ever wondered what she’s doing for 3 to 5 hours prior to the first time you’re coming over for “that kind of date” I’m here to ruin it for you. If you want keep the image of her taking a sultry, candle lit bubble bath while listening to Fleetwood Mac instead don’t read any further. Ignorance can be your naive bliss. You’ve been warned.
It takes a whole lot of body work.
If I know there’s a possibility that someone is going to be that close to my skin I am going to be smelling like freshly baked desert in a damn meadow. This means soaking in a bath and showering because you cannot accomplish the same things in one that you can in another. I am coming out of the bathroom after 2 or more hours smooth like a countertop, lotion-ed like I’m trying to be human Slip-And-Slide, and made up like I’m walking the runway with Karlie Kloss and trying to out glam her. That hair that looks “easy”? That took forty-five minutes. And even though you think you like a girl with no makeup you should know she has at least 5 things on her skin alone and it probably took two mascaras to make her eyelashes do that.
Iliza Shelsinger said it perfectly when she said that girls will "do their hair, their makeup and shave their big toe”. You are going to talk about how good I smell and how soft my skin is and if you don’t I’m going to cry in the shower in the morning with a shower beer. That’s just the way it is.
My apartment is never that clean.
It’s not like I live in squalor or anything but no I don’t normally have eighteen scented candles going at one time. Where do you think you are, Anthropologie? I just understand the need for forgiving lighting and aromatherapy, you caveman! And yeah my carpet smells awesome that would be because I hadn’t vacuumed in like, two weeks so I basically just used a whole thing of OxiClean on it so you wouldn’t think less of me. You’re welcome for changing the sheets too. Found some stale popcorn in them when I did that, so that’s what you can expect when I get comfortable around you.
I never wear this bra unless I think I’m getting some.
Sports bras and bralettes 4ever. Serious the lace on this thing is itchy and while I know that it makes my rack look fantastic I’m really excited about you taking it off not only because that means I’m getting laid but because my boobs will be free from boob jail.
Every girl has some “Getting the D” underwear that doesn’t see the light of day unless she’s going for exactly that. And every girl reading right now is nodding and thinking about those matching sets in every girl's sex drawer in her color arsenal (Red, Black, and Pink) right now. If you think your hookup chick is trolloping around in that push up bra when you don’t see her you’ve clearly not spent enough time around girls who don’t care if you’re looking at their chest or not. Seriously underwire bras are the devil.
I never drink your favorite beer after sex; I just want to look cool.
I actually don’t care what people think about me after sex because, well, I just had sex with them so THEY ARE WELCOME. But I have a friend who does this in an effort to come across as that illusive, unicorn "cool girl" that just really craves an Amber Ale after getting nailed. It works sometimes, but there’s no hiding crazy forever so, sorry girl.
If you think girls don’t have moves you’re dead wrong. And I’m just here to reveal all of them and ruin that “pillow fights in our underwear” dream you’ve had since you were fourteen. In my sports bra, in my army sweats, eating Dominos out of the box on my dirty carpet. I guess I’m more comfortable around you than I both thought.