There might be no singular day on the calendar that best defines America, aside from Independence Day, than Super Bowl Sunday. It represents everything that this country is was founded on: wings, gambling, beer, commercials, chips, dip, glizty halftime shows, and a sport where 250 pound men run full speed into other 250 pound men. It's fucking awesome.
However, as with everything else, with the positives come the negatives. Especially if you're gathering with a large group to watch the game. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year where everyone is watching the same thing, and brings people together from all walks of life. While it's cool that a football game can unite the entire country for four hours, you also end up watching the game with some of the worst people on the face of the earth. They make the game unbearable and without fail, the drunkest guy at the party will yell "who the fuck invited this guy?!"
PROP BET GUY
Don't get me wrong, gambling is awesome. Especially on Super Bowl Sunday where there's a prop for literally everything you can think of (I also highly recommend prop betting before and throughout the game, particularly if your team isn't in it. It keeps things interesting, and if you and a few buddies have any semblance of how to gamble, you'll be able to go back and forth all night).
Unfortunately, there's always ONE guy who feels the need to remind everyone that he's got money on everything. Before the coin flip he's explaining to everyone "tails never fails" or some bullshit reason he went with heads, or he's yelling at everyone during the anthem and waving his iPhone timer around because he took the under. We get it, bro. You're the man. You gamble. There's a right way to go about things, and screaming to remind everyone that you hit a prop because you bet the first score would be a field goal is going to make everyone hate you. As I said, there's nothing wrong with some wholesome wagering. Just sit there with your bets written down on your phone, check off your hits and misses, maybe some banter back and forth with your buddies. You don't need to remind everyone that you're a "degenerate" who found all these zany bets. Besides, you're not a degenerate until you're running three team parlays on German second division soccer on a Tuesday morning.
EVERY AND ANY GIRL WHO MADE BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP
Conventional wisdom would tell you that men are the most competitive creatures on Earth. That could not be further from the truth. Women are far and away the most cutthroat, ruthless, and spiteful beings in the history of the world. This especially holds true if you're at a potluck Super Bowl Sunday party. One mention of "everyone has to bring something" and every broad who has ever sniffed a kitchen thinks they're Rachel fucking Ray. And obviously the go-to is the Buffalo Chicken Dip.
To be fair to these girls, they at least picked a good item to bring. Unfortunately, about three different people think they have the magic recipe to the best dip of all time, and you end up with too much of a good thing. And even worse, these broads are fucking pushy. "Try my dip!"...."Tell me what you think!"...."Ohmigod isn't it amazing?!"...."No no didn't take me long at all I cook like alllllll the time!"....We get it ladies, you think you belong on the Food Network and you're convinced no one has ever tasted a dip like yours. But you don't need to watch every single person take a bite and then ask them for a Yelp review.
And side note: good fucking luck if you're the significant other of one of the females who brought her homemade concoction. Prepare for a night filled with passive aggressive comments about what everyone else brought, how hers is better, and dealing with her force feeding it to you. The antidote to this is more alcohol. It's always more alcohol.
COMMERCIAL WATCHER GUY
This dude probably knows very little about football and instead of discussing the action on the field, he feels the need to add witty quips about every single commercial. Or, even worse, he yells at everyone to shut up during commercial breaks. Hey bro, newsflash: after the first quarter the commercials pretty much suck. So at the two-minute warning when everyone wants to discuss what the team driving should do before the halftime whistle, we don't want to have you screaming at us so you can analyze what eTrade is using to replace the baby commercials. Just relax, drink a little, and enjoy the food before Fat Friend Dave (everyone has a fat friend named "Dave") goes through the last of the wings. And if this dickhead actually works for an ad or marketing firm, then he only gets about 10,000,000% worse. Every commercial is "this one time on a shoot", or "Hey my company worked on this campaign", or the worst of all, "Dude that Gatorade commercial was totally fake, we use the same software." NO SHIT, DUDE! We know Michael Vick can't throw the ball 150 yards in the air and out of the stadium, but that doesn't mean we want to hear about it.
THE GIRL WHO YELLS AT EVERYONE DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW
In 2014, this wasn't so bad being that it was Bruno Mars (who brought the heat, by the way). But, the year before, we had Beyonce and the Beyhive was in FULL FORCE. Expect 2015 to be no different with Katy Perry. Listen, everyone enjoys the halftime show, especially since recent acts have been MUCH better than they were in the years following a certain wardrobe malfunction. But no one wants to hear a high-pitched voice screaming at everyone to shut the fuck up followed by five minutes of "ugh, I literally can't, this is everything, I die, I just actually can't right now." We know you like the female act on stage. You think you guys would be friends and drink cran-vods together on the weekend. But don't make it a point to harass everyone else so you can hang on every word and move of the performance. In February 2013, I was at a Super Bowl party where a girl was brought to tears because no one would quiet down to a level that she deemed adequate to worship Queen Bey. Just please, do not be that girl. People will most likely respect your wishes if you don't fan-girl-out and act like you're dying in the middle of the performance.
THE BRO WHO TRIES TO DISCUSS CURRENT EVENTS DURING CRUCIAL POINTS OF THE GAME
This guy probably crosses paths with the Commercial Bro, and they may even be the same guy. He doesn't know a lot about sports. He doesn't understand why everyone is taking this game so seriously. He is probably some stuck up douche who claims to be too busy to care about grown men playing a sport (which is fair I guess). I don't understand it personally, but sports aren't for everyone. To each their own.
But, with that being said, don't bring up protesters in Boston cementing themselves into oil drums when the refs are reviewing a red zone interception and the play-by-play guys are discussing it. Maybe take a look around the room before you start talking about oil fracking and shit. Are people intensely staring at the TV and arguing whether a wide out got both feet down in the back of the end zone? Even if you don't understand whatever I just said, just have a clue. That's literally all anyone will ask of you. Have a fucking clue.
And, the last thing you should do if no one is paying attention to you because everyone has given their full attention to one of Ed Hochuli's long winded explanations, don't make some douchey comment like, "Jeez, why is everyone taking this so seriously? It's just a game." Dude. It's THE GAME. Unlike you, 90% of the dudes in the room (and even some of the girls) know how big of a game this is and are excited to watch the actual action on the field. There's a time and a place for discussing police brutality, and the last five minutes of the fourth quarter of the biggest American sporting event of the year is not it.
Honorable Mention: The Girl Who Acts Like She Knows Everything. I would touch on this but your boy Sunday Scaries already summed it up perfectly. But, I will say that if some girl sits there and tries to act like she knows more than me, and that the quarterback should check down to the flat because the linebacker is mismatched on a running back, I'll likely set that girl on fire.