The Wedding Season Diet

By Sunday Scaries

One of spring's greatest certainties is the dread that emerges when you realize that you may have to buy an entirely new summer wardrobe after months of hibernation binging. Between #BenderThroughDecember and #BulkingThroughJanuary, my body has been on an emotional rollercoaster with the harshest realization coming on February 6th:

If I expect myself to be properly peacocking at this wedding come June, I need to clean it up. Especially if I don't plan on having a date. Why is why I need to take the tried and true Sunday Scaries dieting measures to ensure I'm firing on all cylinders.

(And if you think this involves working out, you're bananas.)

Tailor, Tailor, Tailor

Everyone knows that the best pick-up line is a tight pair of Dockers. Much like magic show can't be successful without some smoke and mirrors, a skinny-fat guy's body can't look good without some top-dollar tailoring. I can't have my shirt bunching in the back and my pants dragging on the ground. Sloppy is as sloppy does. Yeah, even though you dress a monkey in silk, it's still a monkey. But guess what? That silk-wearing monkey is looking baller as hell compared to all the other monkeys, isn't it?

#NoDinnerWeekends

No dinner means I get drunk faster which means I drink less which means I'm skinny in no time. I inadvertently did this through summer 2014 and lost 8 pounds in all the right places. Does this sound insanely unhealthy/frowned upon by most Panhels? Yeah, maybe it does, but hear me out: if I skip a 1,000 calorie dinner and replace that with just ten 96 calorie vodka sodas, I'm essentially not even going out. They cancel each other out like a well-balanced Romney budget. You simply can't argue numbers.

Abstinence

Dieting isn't all physical; it's a mentality. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not going to get laid in my current state. And if I do, that's just my body signaling to my mind that my winter body is remotely acceptable — which it's clearly not. The only way to counteract this is to treat the period between now and wedding season like the abstaining NFL players treat the week leading up to the Super Bowl: as a means to an end. I have to maintain my edge. I have to have a goal. I have to be "Hungry Like The Wolf."

Get Tan

If I want to look like the Sistine Chapel, I need to be Michelangelo and paint this fuckin' ceiling. No one looks good pale. No one. Tans make even gingers look good — just ask Connie Britton. Bronzed skin and some lightened hair takes an easy 10 pounds off. Spring skiing? Going goggles around the neck. Pre-wedding golf? Driving head out in the cart like I'm Ace Ventura.

...and if all else fails?

The Old Man Body Diet

Banana for breakfast, protein bar for lunch, small meal for dinner. Vodka only. I mean, everyone knows that you know don't get the nickname "Old Man Body" without being in peak physical condition. 

Now let's go to work.