We're engaging in some foreplay with spring right now and it's got me jonesin' to up my Spring/Summer 2015 wardrobe and gear. Everyone knows that Douchebag "Look Good, Play Good" Pete just craves looking sick at all times, and through Hot Brosmosis I've contracted the itch to be just as awesome as him. I can't just enter Summer '15 wearing the same tired quasi-golf threads I've been rocking for the past two years. I need to step it up. I need some new leisurewear.
Disclosure: I'm not saying that I'd be willing to accept gifts from the following companies (because I still have full collegiate athletics eligibility and I'm not giving up my dream of being an SEC QB1 any time soon), but I'm also not saying I wouldn't sign for any mystery packages that FedEx may or may not bring to my door.
Party Shades BUY
You read The Ten Commandments of Sunday Drinking. You know that the fourth commandment is, "Thou shall wear sunglasses." My methodology for buying new sunglasses is as follows: I get really, really drunk with my friends right around Memorial Day Weekend, then I wake up on a Saturday morning just feeling awful about myself. I shit/shower/shave, and then head directly to the closest sunglasses store to buy some overly-expensive sunglasses that I normally wouldn't splurge on if I wasn't trying to fix my emotions with material items. Everyone knows that when you're devastatingly hungover, money isn't an option so no pair of shades is off the table. I'm obviously going to try to replicate the Dickie look from The Talented Mr. Ripley all summer, so some jumbo polarized Persol Celebrations are in the near future. Don't even care what I look like in 'em. I don't wear sunglasses that necessarily look good on me — I wear sunglasses that look expensive on me.
"Ride The Wave" Pocket Tee Buy
Yeah, like I was going to make my summer laundry list and not include the hottest item of the season: the Sunday Scaries "Ride The Wave" Pocket Tee. Like just imagine your boy hopping onto the dock with a killer upper-thigh tan and some sun-kissed lettuce while this perfectly Florida Blue shirt compliments the hell out of his smile. Makes you giddy just imagining it, right?
"But Scaries, I thought this Tilt campaign ended already." Luckily for you, there's a very limited quantity still available in the Sunday Scaries Store. As for the rumored Tube Socks-designed salmon tanks? Those are a #NoNewFriends type of thing.
I've got a skeleton in my closet and it's due time it comes out: I tee off with a 3-wood. Do I still abide by my personal mantra, "great hair, long drives" despite teeing off with a 3-wood? Yeah, of course, because I swing hard as fuck with my plane on the perfect path. But everyone knows that true Hot Bros need to let the big dog eat.
The other day I was talking to Douchebag Pete and he said, "Just ordered one of the USA SuperStroke putter grips, gotta up my steez." No one holds me accountable for my golf shortcomings quite like DBP. Kid is a certified gear head. Style is consistently at the forefront of his mind. I mean, just look at his Christmas list. He won't let me wear Oakley Blades on the course (which I still think is a potentially awesome move), he clearly hates my understated wardrobe, and most of all, he hates that I go 3-wood off the tee. Time to up my distance.
I need to make two clarifications about this fashion choice.
1. I'm well-aware that I'm late to the half-button shortsleeve buttondown shirt party. J.Crew was hustling these last year and DBP was even rocking a skeptically hipster popover at a 5th of July BBQ that his parents threw for us. I'm not trying to break through any fashion barriers here. I'm just trying to do me and look good doin' it.
2. This isn't intended to be a casualwear shirt. This isn't intended to be a "night out" shirt. This isn't intended to be a "first date" shirt. This is strictly a bender shirt. This is one of those shirts you put on when you leave your place on a Thursday night and just know you probably won't be back until Sunday morning smelling like a combination of suntan lotion, dark rum, and armpits. This is the type of shirt that makes your friends say, "Uh-oh, Scaries is wearing his bender shirt. Buckle up."
Deal Sleds Buy
My shoegame isn't exactly on fleek right now. I can be the trimmest guy at every wedding this year but if I'm rolling around in some scuffed-up secondhand bitch loafers? I'm toast. Dudes with shitty footwear don't get in with Scott Disick. He'll scoff at you if your shoe game isn't airtight. But when you're peacocking along in some supple ostrich loafers with braided leather piping? Bada-bing, bada-boom. You'll be rubbing elbows with with the elite in no time. Daddy needs some new Deal Sleds and he needs 'em by June 6.
Oh, and PS: if you're wearing socks any time between Memorial and Labor Day, you better be on a golf course or on vacation in the Arctic Circle. Gotta be constantly flashing ankle.
Kavu Throwshirt BUY
Remember when I said turtlenecks were going to take over the fashion world back in Winter 2013, and then they did? I'm a tastemaker. I forecast trends. People look to me and ask, "What's cool these days?", I tell them, and all of the sudden it's cool. It's just kind of my thing.
Well I got good news for you, Kavu — you might want to ramp up your production because you're about to be as popular as you were back in '98. When there's a brisk summer chill that sweeps across the lake while I'm listening to some tasty jams on a secluded beach, the Kavu Throwshirt is going to be my savior. Don't say I didn't warn you when all the kids are calling you a "square" for not having one.