The Anatomy of The Panic Room

By Sunday Scaries

NFL Football. Brunch. Easter. Hangovers. #TervisWine. Golf Naps. Family Dinners.

The aforementioned are all staples of Sundays. But, if you're a loyal follower of Sunday Scaries, you'll know that one important pillar of Sundays is missing: The Panic Room. Sunday after Sunday, my night and subsequent Scaries culminate in my bedroom, which has taken on a personality of its own ever since the term was applied to it. It's now become tradition for me to tweet out the setup of The Panic Room on any given Sunday, normally some time after 8pm when my Scaries really start creeping in.

The Panic Room has a consistent mix of sensory objects, all intentionally used to either heighten relaxation or diminish anxiety. This mix, weekend after weekend, has recurring themes and motifs that often overlap and supplement each other to accommodate any unique set of Scaries that may be taking place. While I can't necessarily give reasoning for all attributes of The Panic Room, I can outline my particular Panic Room in order to aid you in your ongoing battle with the Sunday Scaries.

The Apparel

When enjoying The Panic Room, you have to first start with yourself. As Douchebag Pete says whenever he rolls up to our golf cart, "Look good, play good, baby." I'm the type of person that can't get over a hangover unless I shower at least once. If I'm not feeling fresh to death, my Sunday Sweats turn into Sunday Stinks which amplify anything and everything around me.

To begin, there is one must for any Panic Room scenario: Patagonia 5" Baggies. This is non-negotiable, no matter the season. If it's the dog days of summer, I've probably been rocking them all day with them smelling of Lake Michigan and Miller Lite. If I'm in the thick of winter, I'm wearing them underneath a pair of sweatpants or J. Crew Sideline Pants (commonly referred to as The Pants).

Up top, I'm going logo tees all day, every day. I'm talking t-shirts that remind me of good times and great places. My current favorite? A moisture-wicking capilene shirt I bought at the Chicago Yacht Club's Race to Mackinac. It puts out an athletic island vibe while also being casual enough to chill my face off in. Previous shirts have included a Foxy's pocket tee from Jost Van Dyke in the British Virgin Islands and an over-sized longsleeve from my uncle's farm. The bougier the shirt, the better.

On The Television

The Panic Room is currently in the midst of a huge quarterback controversy as an HDTV was recently installed which is stealing all of the attention from my iPad. Until the dust settles and a clear winner emerges, lets look to the past at how things used to be.

My go-to is tossing on the biggest sports game of the night and immediately muting it. While muting it is a skeptical move at best, it allows me to heighten my relaxation other with other forms of media. By drowning out announcer babble, I can really get to the root of my Scaries by way of cinema and/or music. Summertime? Sunday Night Baseball, every Sunday. Fall and winter? Sunday Night Football with some Premier League replays sprinkled in when the NFL docket doesn't woo me. Spring? It's a walk-off between NBA and NHL. Any and all Detroit sports game supersede anything else on, and that's the least negotiable thing ever.

In The Lap

I've told my friends, "on Sundays, if I had to choose between you and my iPad, I'm choosing my iPad ten times out of ten." My iPad's arsenal is just too hot to handle on Sundays: HBO GO, Spotify, Netflix, Xfinity Comcast On Demand, Pandora (what up, Lyle Lovett Radio?), Hulu Plus, NBC Sports Live Extra App, Twitter. It's a digital media onslaught that no Scaries can reckon with. My friends can only offer so much until they fall asleep. The beauty of the iPad is that it goes to bed when I SAY it goes to bed.

If I'm REAL bad, you know ya boy is reaching into his iTunes library for You've Got Mail followed by the Sunday Night Kill Myself playlist and/or John Mayer's cover of "I'm On Fire" on repeat. If it's this time of year, I'm rollin' deep in some HBO Original Series. Mid-summer? Balls to the wall on some Netflix series like Sherlock which is fireflames. Meanwhile, I'm just dropping Twitter bombs on all my followers because I care (and I need encouragement/verification that people still like me).

The Surroundings

The bed: I like to make my bed and then toss blankets on top of me. It says, "I have my life together enough that I make my bed, but I also like to chill." During the summer, I turn my fan on so I can still rock a blanket. In the winter, it's like a goddamn Nepalese opium den with blankets on blankets on blankets.

The side table: Candle burning. And I'm not talking poor people Yankee Candles. I'm talking like bougie "I asked for this for Christmas because I'll never spend this much on a candle" shit. What am I drinkin' on? If the hangover wasn't too real, wine in a Tervis tumbler. If the weekend is still lingering in my mind, ice water with lemon like I'm at a five-star restaurant.

Out of hands reach: I crack the window, no matter the season. If you think I'm even going to get close to being sweaty and/or stuffy then you don't know how ya boy operates. 

When it comes to the room as a whole, it's all about just being clean, clean, clean. If you're going to be lounging around in your own bodily filth, at least clean up the filth around you. A great man once said, "the fastest way to make a college apartment feel clean is by cleaning and organizing the coffee table." That great man also taught me Wet Spot.