An Unbiased Analysis: The Condemned vs. The Hunger Games

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I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think a single member of my female demographic has seen The Condemned, which concerns me. The Condemned is in the pantheon of great movies next to Captain RonDumb & Dumber, and The Other Guys. When I saw the first Hunger Games movie, I tweeted, "At Hunger Games. I liked it a lot better 4 years ago when it was called 'The Condemned' and it was starring Stone Cold Steve Austin," because essentially, these movies have the exact same premise (only difference is that THG made over $680 million more than The Condemned, which disgusts me). And considering I live-tweeted The Condemned last summer at 3am after a regatta party, I obviously feel like it's my civic duty to bring the diamond-in-the-rough that is The Condemned to the general public by comparing and contrasting it with a movie that everyone in the world unjustifiably cums their collective pants for.


The Vitals

The Condemned

The-condemned-poster.jpg

Year: 2007

Length: 113 minutes

MPAA Rating: R

Box Office: $8,642,858

Starring: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones

The Hunger Games

Year: 2012

Length: 142 minutes

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Box Office: $691,247,768

Starring: J-Law, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz

Advantage: The Hunger Games. The Hunger Games' star power lead it to box-office victory by a margin that can't be made up by only couple badasses who should probably be the leads in the next installment of True Detective. Biggest knock on HG is the length - 2.5 hours is steep especially when The Condemned comes in HOT at an ideal in-n-out 113 minutes. Ultimately, it would be irresponsible for me to leave $684 million on the table here so I gotta roll with J-Law & Co.


The Plots

The Condemned

The film centers on ten convicts who are forced to fight each other to the death as part of an illegal game which is being broadcast to the public.

The Hunger Games

The story takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic future in the nation of Panem, where boys and girls between the ages of 12 and 18 must take part in the Hunger Games, a televised annual event in which the "tributes" are required to fight to the death until there is one remaining who will be crowned the victor.

Advantage: What the fuck do you think? Am I going to take a bunch of teenagers fighting with sticks, or am I going to take ten fully-loaded cons with a complete arsenal of weaponry fighting illegally on an island? The Condemned everyday and twice on Sunday (and maybe even three times if I'm Scared).


Rotten Tomatoes

The Condemned

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 15%

Audience Rating: 58%

The Review:"The Condemned is a morally ambiguous, exceedingly violent and mostly forgettable action film."

Sunday Scaries Take: Well I think all these numbers say is that uppity douchebags don't like the movie while the blue-collar working man obviously loves it. Which one do you want to be?

The Hunger Games

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 84%

Audience Rating: 81%

The Review: "Thrilling and superbly acted, Hunger Games captures the dramatic violence, raw emotion, and ambitious scope of its source novel."

Sunday Scaries Take: Going out on a limb and saying that the only reason that the ratings are so high is because none of the pre-teens that used their parents' iPhones to rate Hunger Games had seen The Condemned first.

Advantage: The Condemned. If we're using crowds as any indicator for these statistics, who am I more apt to see at a Kid Rock concert - The Hunger Games crowd or The Condemned crowd? Therein lies your answer. Besides, when I saw HG, I was surrounded by annoying little fuckers who were judging us for drinking Gamechangers. It's alright though, the girl we were with accidentally sprayed a kid in the back of the head with the soda water for her wine spritzer. Little shit never saw it comin'.


Dark Alley Team

A "Dark Alley Team" is who you would choose to be by your side should you get confronted in a dark alley by some hoodrats that think they're all big and bad. Originated by Jalen Rose.

The Condemned

The Hunger Games

Advantage: Hahahahahahahahahaha. You could give me the entire Hunger Games cast, crew, families, friends, and every person in the world who has ever seen the goddamn movie, and I'd still choose Stone Cold as the lone member of my Dark Alley Team. And maybe CT from The Real World too.


Soundtrack

The Condemned

Pretty much all you have to know about The Condemned soundtrack.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond

Soundtrack includes:

  • Arcade Fire
  • Taylor Swift
  • Civil Wars
  • Kid Cudi
  • Decemberists
  • Miranda Lambert
  • Neko Case
  • Maroon 5

Advantage: I'd go with The Condemned purely because the final scene is exhilarating, but I'm forcing myself to give the advantage to The Hunger Games because I cannot and will not go on public record supporting Nickelback. #StoneColdsNeckThough


The Verdict: The Condemned is obviously and unequivocally the better film.

After reading this entire unbiased report, there's enough evidence to conclusively see that The Condemned, despite its box-office trouble, is undeniably one of the greatest films ever made. The Hunger Games has no business being mentioned in the same breath as Stone Cold's masterpiece and I'm almost embarrassed I even wrote this piece insinuating that they are even remotely similar. So sorry, J-Law, even though you're a hard 10, Stone Cold's takin' this battle down. Now lets celebrate with a beer bath.


Will deFriesComment