I don’t know if you’ve figured it out by now, but I’m a little opinionated. And whether you want to hear them or not, I’m probably going to tell said opinions to you. I also appreciate a smokin’ dude because greatness recognizes greatness. I bet you’ve also figured out that humility is another one of my better traits. So why I was not consulted for this Hot Bro Bracket, I have simply no good answer for. I’m calling sexism.
I’m a girl! I should be asked about whether or not someone qualifies as a Hot Bro – thanks for the FOMO guys.
I’ve gone through my “if I ran into them in a crowded bar and locked eyes for a split second” list and come up with these three strapping, young gentleman in the respective categories that should have made the cut at least initially. Come on, isn’t a girl’s opinion really the main one that matters? I mean it’s fine, fantastic even when guys appreciate Hot Bros – no homo. But at the end of the day you aren’t trying to smooth talk another bro’s leather jacket off; it’s the little side piece stirring her drink you’re eyeing. So her opinion holds more weight. Yep.
So here you go fellas – the bros you left out and should feel embarrassed about not including on your list. I’m not upset about the Wild Card but I’m voting against you guys purely out of principle. I’ll accept apologies in the form of G&Ts and Amazon gift cards.
Actor: Chris Pratt
Not only is Pratt one of my main men because he likes Seattle more than I like being rude and day drinking, but it’s a universally accepted fact that Chris Pratt is one of the funniest bros around. Did you see his ALS challenge? *slow clap* Any man who’s secure enough to let his wife dump buckets of water over his head while enjoying a Smirnoff Ice is a man I’d like to sneak a flask into the zoo with.
Chris Pratt isn’t afraid of a funny, solid woman either as evidenced by the fact that he put a ring on Smiley Face herself: Anna Faris. Any girl will tell you one of the most attractive things a guy can be is proud of the girl he’s with and Pratt oozes that for Anna which, not gonna lie, makes my black heart thaw out just for a second. He’s essentially the human version of a big, goofy dog who’s now super ripped but still weird and adork-able. Chris Pratt is probably the only dude you could call adork-able and get away with it.
Let’s do shots of Fireball together, Pratt. I promise to only hit on you a little.
- Ryan Reynolds. Way to lock down Blake Lively, sir.
- Tom Hardy. I would like to dream a little bigger, darling. I. Would.
Athlete: Kris Humphries
Now all those Kimye shippers out there need to settle for a second. I am HAPPY that Kanye and Kim are in love and will be 2gether 4ever. Mainly because it means this 6 foot 9 piece of deliciousity is back on the market for me to take a swing at. Is he a good basketball player? I have no idea. What I do know is that watching him yank a fully clothed Kim Kardashian into the ocean while she screamed about her uninsured diamond earrings made me swoon because of how he just didn’t give a fuck and was there to have a good time.
Also let’s note that this SOB drew out their divorce for two years. Kim K made it just two months before filing and this tall drink of water made her work for it for Two. Years. A round of applause for our friend Kris for not being a doormat!
I’m 5’1”, he’s 6’9”, he’s not going to fit in my bed but I think love can conquer all. Let’s get weird, Humphries.
- Russell Wilson. Choosing the Gronk over my sweet, sweet angel was unaccetpable.
- Michael Phelps. I have a thing for tall stoners, so sue me.
You guys put Jimmy Buffett on this list but not every girl’s current sensitive soulmate? Seriously?
One of the main reasons OMB is Team Leo is because of the alleged hookup with Rihanna. Ummmm did you miss the bar brawls over her between Drake and Chris Brown? They are on again off again more than me and my phone at an awkward party. He threw a bottle at CHRIS BROWN. Bad ass, Drake. Bad ass.
A complicated, messed up, bad ass. That’s all we really want. Like you just know Drake would be super down to watch re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy and talk about the societal pressures women face every day until three in the morning. But he’d also throw down in a second if need be. Give him a shoulder to cry on while you find hydrogen peroxide for his busted up knuckles. Yum. Would.
- Jared Leto. Don’t tell me he belongs in actors, Thirty Seconds To Mars was my life force Freshman year. #feelings.
- Ed Sheeran. I’ve seen his fingers on a guitar, that’s all I’m saying.