THE FINAL FOUR RESULTS
By Old Man Body
Much like the NCAA tournament finally moving towards a close and crowning a champion, we’re at the same point here at Sunday Scaries. The results of your voting are in and it was pretty clearly where the readership stands. Did I stuff the ballot box during my blackout in Nashville last weekend? That’s a great question, but I fully live by the “If I don’t remember it, it never happened” motto. The results:
(2) McConaughey over (2) Rory
Not much of a shocker here. The old dog totally kicked the young pup off the porch. I mean, the guy’s face is on the bracket, how in god’s name could you not vote for him? I know I’ve gotten a lot of shit about seeding McConaughey a number two and I’ve done a pretty terrible job explaining. When I seeded the Actors category, I was looking at body of work over the course of the year. Sure, McConaughey was in some great movies and shows, but Leo was more of a hot bro in the female department while crushing his own career. Would the NCAA give Michigan State a 1-seed just because they crush it in the tournament every year while posting mediocre results in the regular season? No. This is exactly the same thing.
(3) Scaries Crew over (1) John Mayer
Sorry John, but when Hot Bros are on a roll, they ride the fuckin’ wave. Two straight takedowns of number one seeds, no big deal. Mayer may be one of the hottest bros to ever pick up a guitar, but we have strength in numbers. If you’re a girl and you walk in a bar and on one side, there’s some dude by himself drinking scotch on the corner of the bar and on the other, a whole damn platoon of Hot Bros ripping Fireball shots and crushing life, who are you coming over to talk to? That’s what I thought. Would it be weird if the Scaries Crew won their own bracket? Sure. Will it create controversy? A thousand percent. Do I care? Not one bit.
(2) Matthew McConaughey vs. (3) Sunday Scaries
Call putting ourselves in the finals what you want. Cocky? Of course. Ambitious? Maybe a little. Justified? Well, the voters have already spoken to that. I'd be lying if I said that I thought we had any shot at getting to the finals. We took down a Bachelor, an international playboy, a Prince, and a top-seeded musician who has dated everyone from Jennifer Love Hewitt, Minka Kelly, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, and even Taylor Swift.
Do we have a Golden Globe or an Oscar? No. Are we invited to be on the sidelines for Texas Football games? Nope. Is our net worth closer to $750 than it is to $75 million? Yeah, you could say that. But that doesn't mean we can't Hot Bro as hard as McConaughey Hot Bros.
Now, I'm not asking you to vote for us. Hell, I'm not even sure I'd vote for us. But I am going to thank you for giving us the honor of going up against the Hot Bro of Hot Bros. Simply being mentioned in the same breath as McConaughey is a privilege and an honor.