Elite 8 Results
BY OLD MAN BODY
The results of the Elite 8 are in, and quite frankly, I’m shocked. It was very apparent to see more people agree with the editor’s line of thinking than my own and that disappoints me. However, Scaries Crew is still in it and I’m going to Nashville this weekend so the amount of fucks I truly give is the same as it always is: zero. Without further ado:
(2) Matthew McConaughey over (1) Leonardo DiCaprio
At first glance, I’m like “Okay, yeah, people loved True Detective and shit, this works.” Then the editor told me it was a bloodbath. Are you serious? I couldn’t even tell you who McConaughey is dating. Leo? Dude’s leaving the club twenty deep in models right in Rihanna’s face and then is taking her down the next night. Getting more into #bulkingseason than me and still attracting the world’s top talent. Seriously disappointed in the readership here.
(2) Rory McIlroy over (1) Gronk
Chicks apparently dig the long ball more than I thought. Rory getting to the Final Four just means he’s going to win two or three majors this year; you heard it here first. As for Gronk? Dude, get a steady girlfriend for more than 72 hours and then dump her after she Instragrams a few pics of you two together. That’s how you’re going to win NFL MVP next year. Mark my words.
(1) John Mayer over (3) Kid Rock
Another one that wasn’t even a contest. John Mayer has been laying down jams and wheeling every 10 in America since I had braces. Kid Rock is a certified bad ass but unfortunately Mr. Rock, this isn’t a bad ass contest, it’s a hot bro contest and slinging game on every 40 year old trailer trash MILF just doesn’t cut it here. As the editor remarked in the e-mail he sent over with the results, I’m sure Kid doesn’t care one bit.
(3) Scaries Crew over (1) Prince Harry
You know those nights where you don’t give a shit about your hair, throw an Orvis pullover and a hat on, smoke a few Marb Lights at the bar and next thing you know, you’re making out with the hottest girl from the bar in an Uber back to your place? That’s how I feel right now. The bros from the Little Blog With a Dream taking down a Taliban killing, blue-blooded Royal from across the Pond. Remember what I said about having money and great bloodlines is all that matters? Forgot the caveat: it’s totally out the window if you’re a ginger. See y’all in the ‘ship!
Final Four Preview
BY SUNDAY SCARIES
(2) Matthew McConaughey vs. (2) Rory McIlroy
It's the 2-seed who should be a 1-seed versus a 2-seed who has no business being a 2-seed.
What can I say about McConaughey that hasn't already been said at length on this very website? Nothing. So I'm not going to waste your time because he will be in the championship.
Rory's only hope is that the Ashley Bongiovannis of the world all happen to read Sunday Scaries and he stages the greatest upset since Francis Ouimet at the 1913 US Open.
Is there a world where Rory McIlroy can possibly even entertain the thought of beating Matthew McConaughey in a battle of who's a Hotter Bro? Absolutely not. You don't get your photo placed as a watermark on the bracket itself if you don't encompass everything a Hot Bro should be.
(1) John Mayer vs. (3) Scaries Crew
Ride The Wave, baby. Ride The Wave. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Let's fucking go.