The Hot Bro Bracket: Elite 8
After tallying the millions of votes, we've whittled the Sweet 16 down to an Elite 8. Was it a relatively tame second round without a ton of surprises? Yeah, it was. But as Sunday Scaries has proven time and time again, the cream rises to the top, baby.
The only non-blowouts? Kid Rock vs. Luke Bryan and The Scaries Crew vs. Scott Disick. Did I ever think I'd be going head-to-head with Scott Disick in anything? Nah, but here we are. Is it weird that no one even knows what I look like and I'm in the Elite 8 of the Hottest Bros on the planet? Maybe a little, but real recognizes real, guys. You don't just put out a Hot Bro vibe on a blog for almost two years without having people take notice.
Here's what transpired.
ROUND 2 RESULTS
BY OLD MAN BODY
(1) Leonardo DiCaprio over (5) Miles Teller
Not a chance the President of the Pussy Posse was going down to this young pup. I know how much the editor adores Teller, but this wasn’t even close. Hey Miles: you want to advance next year? Start by getting with RiRi. Actually, just kidding, you can’t be a Hotter Bro than Leo.
(2) Matthew McConaughey over (6) Taylor Kitsch
There was a bit of controversy over McConaughey getting a 2-seed but survive-and-advance, I guess. Tim Riggins gave him a run for his money but he lost too many points for going to prison for this deadbeat, stripper-wifing brother. McConaughey is a Longhorn, so "Texas Forever" indeed.
(1) Gronk over (4) Jason Dufner
What's there to say here? Gronk Gronk-spiked Dufner to the moon. Feeling sad? Pack a horseshoe lipper and go out and Google Amanda Dufner. You’re welcome.
(2) Rory McIlroy over (3) Lewis Hamilton
Guess what, Lewis? The readers didn’t care that you’re banging the no-name chick from the Pussycat Dolls. Pretty sure this win is going to propel Rory to a Masters victory later this spring. Chicks and hot bros both dig the long ball and Rory’s got it.
(1) John Mayer over (4) Jimmy Buffett
Tough loss for my boy JB. Turns out that people think it’s hotter for T-Swift to write hate songs about you than singing about living life permanently on a beach sipping boat drinks and groping MILF tits. So depressed about this one.
(3) Kid Rock over (7) Luke Bryan
This one kind of disgusted me. I had Luke Bryan going all the way to the Final Four. Did you guys forget that this was a hot bro contest and not a bad boy contest? Look at the demographic of the people that go to their concerts and get the fuck out of my face immediately. I’ll take 20 year old girls in cut off jean shorts over flabby 45 year-olds from Michigan any day of the week.
(1) Prince Harry over (5) Kliff Kingsbury
Another big loss for the "Texas Forever" crowd. However, this just goes to show that who your parents are and how much money they have will always beat being incredibly funny and good looking. Let that be a lesson.
(3) Scaries Crew over (2) Scott Disick
It really warmed my heart to know that y’all think the Scaries Crew is hotter than Lord Disick himself. I mean, he’s everything I aspire to: marry a rich babe, become an alcoholic and get filmed 24/7 hurling insults that turn into the best gifs known to man. We’ll call it redemption for you morons picking Kid Rock over Luke Bryan.
ELITE 8 PREVIEW
BY SUNDAY SCARIES
(1) Leonardo DiCaprio vs. (2) Matthew McConaughey
Introducing: The Sunday Scaries March Madness Hot Bro Bracket Match-Up From Hell.
I mean, have mercy. This match-up is a product of the system and not a true indicator of their Hot Bro statuses. This has "Championship Match-Up" written all over it. When it all comes down to it, this is essentially Old Man Body vs. Sunday Scaries, considering I would have had McConaughey as the top seed. Am I putting it past OMB to stuff the ballot box for Leo just because Kid Rock beat Luke Bryan? Not at all. But unlike him, I'm going to remove myself from voting in this match-up because I have a backbone.
(1) Gronk vs. (2) Rory McIlroy
This is a matter of taste. Are you an Arizona party-boy who loves smashing beers on his forehead before biting into them, or are you a bro who dumps his girlfriend while peaking in life hitting 350-yard bombs with a little Draw Sauce drizzled on 'em? Just to be crystal clear: I'm totally down with both of those types, but to each his own.
(1) John Mayer vs. (3) Kid Rock
Tasty match-up. 90% of my Scary weekends begin with Kid Rock's Live Trucker album blasting at max volume only to end with me listening to John Mayer's version of "I'm On Fire" in The Panic Room. Would I trade lives with either of these guys in a second? Yeah, I would. Do I consider myself somewhat of an American Badass who's never fake and straight from the Great Lakes? Yup.
(1) Prince Harry vs. (3) Scaries Crew
What can I say about the Scaries Crew that hasn't already been said? We're Hot Bros with luxurious flow and stellar personalities. Oh, that's already been said hundreds of times? Huh, must've missed it.
I guess you just have to ask yourself: does blog life outweigh being the Prince of Wales who dabbles in competitive polo, skiing, and rugby? That's not up to me.
The girl he's taking down isn't even that hot.
Alright, who am I kidding. That turtleneck? She's a WOULD all-star.