By Old Man Body
A few short months ago, I wrote about my New Year’s Resolutions. These included drinking more vodka, smoking more cigarettes, but most importantly, settling down. However, the longer I remain single, the more I’m coming to grips with how little I really want to have a girlfriend. I see couples all the time, and the following items are the things are the reasons I’m glad I’m single. If you’re one of these couples, realize that everyone else hates you and adjust your behavior accordingly.
The Couple Who Fights in Public
We’ve all been there at one time or another. The night isn’t going well or you left the seat up for the millionth time at her place and that turned into a knockdown, drag out fight in the middle of the day in the middle of that zoo trip the girl thought would be an awesome date/opportunity to Insta some animals. But damn kids, we’re getting too old for that shit. Nobody wants to see you air your dirty laundry in public and I sure as shit don’t need my Sunday Scaries brunch being made worse because one of you got too wasted at the bar last night. Fight at home or passively aggressively text each other until you break up and get back together two days later. It’s better for everyone.
The Couple Who Grocery Shops Together
I was at the grocery store stocking up (liquor and Lunchables) the other night and noticed an absolute babe in the produce section. She snagged a bunch of kale or some other healthy shit I don’t eat and sauntered over to the saddest sap ever pushing a shopping cart. I can’t imagine any guy being more miserable than the guy having to grocery shop with his girlfriend. Let’s take a quick inventory of my fridge: condiments, chicken I made a month ago and haven’t tossed yet, two week old salad mix, a case of Miller Lite and a random assortment of other domestic cans and bottles. I don’t enjoy grocery shopping and I can’t imagine it’s better as a couple. If you live together, make a list and have one person go get it. The two of you are obliviously blocking the aisle and I need to snag some bread for PB&J’s.
The Couple Who Works Out Together
The other day, some chick posted a picture that winded up in my Facebook feed. What did it say? “The couple who Crossfits together stays together.” BARFFFFFF. You’ve been at work all day and you can’t think of other ways to torture yourself other than “Hey honey, let’s go do some burpees or run five miles together”? If you can still carry on a conversation while you’re working out with somebody, that’s not working out, it’s screaming “HEY EVERYBODY WE’RE A COUPLE LOOK!” Get the fuck out of my face with that.
The Couple Who Works Together
Back when I was still working in an office, there were a few office romances and it was terrible. First, don’t fish off the company pier. A wise old former CEO told me that he didn’t look down on his direct reports because they were possibly creating an HR nightmare; he looked down on them because they were so lazy they couldn’t find anyone outside of the office to hook up with. Second, when you come home at night, what the fuck do you talk about? I already don’t want to talk shop with a girl I don’t work with after a long day. I imagine coming home with a co-worker every night is rehashing the same boring work bullshit and that’s not healthy. Third, everybody at work hates you, trust me on that one.
The Couple Who Is Constantly PDA in Public
Look, I’m all for a little late night bar make out, even though I’m probably to the age where it’s frowned upon. I’m especially for that kind of stuff when the girl that stood me up on the third date walks in the bar because I’m a petty asshole like that. That said, if you’re a couple, we don’t need to see that shit. I’m doing it because I’ve had a dozen shots of Fireball and I can’t remember the girls name; you’re already going home together, just expedite the process and get in a cab already. This especially goes for couples that have pet names for each other and use them around their group of friends. Guess what? Just like people hate coworkers that are dating, everyone else hates you too.