The 8 Steps To Getting Your One-Night Stand Out Of Your Apartment
1. Say hello to your hangover.
Whether it be a real hangover thanks to one-too-many IPAs or an emotional hangover because you regret the positions you were bent into, greet it and get ready to deal with it. Open your eyes slowly and allow yourself to take a second. But not too much more than a second because you have a stranger to start getting rid of. Let’s face it, it is RARE that you want someone who is essentially a stranger to hang out and watch Netflix with you. That’s private time. So acknowledge that you don’t feel good, and note that you can take care of it later.
2. Don’t waste time being naked.
Okay we can admit we aren’t necessarily proud of having this person in our presence but now is not the time to feel sorry for ourselves. Now is the time to put together the pieces of nights gone by and figure out where your pants are. And their pants. Locate all of the pants. People can’t, or at least won’t, leave in their underwear so find their clothes and leave them in a reachable location. Just don’t like, fold them. That’s weird.
3. Passive aggressively hint that it’s time for them to go.
This is the part where you’ll start to do chores rather than just say “Hey, get up and get out SON.” You’ll get a load of laundry going, start doing dishes, clean the bathroom floor which hasn’t been cleaned since your LAST one-night stand (no judgment) and obviously none of these will be done quietly. Truthfully it’s a good effort, though we all know it’s not going to work. But hey. Good for you for getting some housework done.
4. Kick yourself for your choices.
There they are, snoring and farting away in your bed. You did this. Well, you with a little help from your friends Grey and Goose at the bar. You don’t have their number but they’re turning your bed into their own private party of one. Look at them, spooning your favorite down pillow. You hate them. Take it from me: it’s not worth dwelling on. Just give it 24 hours; you’ll be laughing about it in no time. Or give yourself enough time to at least wash them out of your sheets — then you can laugh about it.
5. Decide how nice you’re going to be.
Are you going to offer to take them to their home or car? Or are you just going to send them on their way with nothing but embarrassment and fuzzy memories? Basically you have to decide if you’re going to be able to look them in the eye if you run into them again. My rule of thumb is if you have more than one mutual friend, you have to be nice. You don’t want all of your buddies calling you an asshole behind your back. If they truly are a random person who you only met 12 hours prior — no worries.
6. Wake the beast.
Don’t try to do this “accidentally” by like, dropping a pillow on them or coughing juuuusst loud enough. Be a grown up; wake them up. You don’t have to feel bad about having a life or things to do or even just wanting them out of your space. You offered them sex, not a place to sleep till one in the afternoon. This is either where you just simply say “how are you getting home” or you give them an elaborate lie about how you’re meeting your mom and aunt for brunch but then really just circle the block in your car before going back into your home.
7. Do. Not. Fall. For. Sleepy. Eyes.
Sex is not a coupon that allows someone to cash in on your amazingly comfy bed. I don’t care how tired they look or if “they didn’t even realize you were up” (bullshit by the way). There is nothing sexy about not being able to take a hint. Along the same lines: do not fall for them feigning interest in your day in an attempt to tag along. Do you really want to hang out with someone you had sloppy, drunk sex with? Do you really want to tarnish what could be a perfectly good brunch with awkward conversation and trying to figure out what was so interesting about them when you had your booze blinders on? No. No you don’t.
8. When in doubt, Jon Hamm it.
Everyone hissed in disapproval when he said it in Bridesmaids but sometimes you have tried every trick and you just gotta say it:
“I really want/need you to leave but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.”
Whoop there it is. If that doesn’t get them out, then congratulations; I think you got engaged.