Taking A Weekend Off

By Old Man Body

I’m going to be perfectly honest here: it’s been a hard week for your boy. I went from being on top of the mountain after Wisconsin knocked off Kentucky (even after getting my ass kicked by a cab driver) to being on suicide watch the entire week after Wisconsin lost to Duke in the National Championship. Because my personal phone is again smashed to oblivion, I only communicated with a few people via my work phone and iPad to let them know I was still alive. I just came back to Twitter recently. My sister even texted me because I haven’t been on Twitter and she thought I’d off'd myself. In short, bad and terrible fucking week.

However, because of the multi-week shit show my life has been recently between Nashville and Final Four/Opening Day/National Championship, I decided to pull a stay-in weekend. I do these every now and again when I’ve been drinking a lot to keep myself grounded. My parents are coming to visit next weekend so I needed to finish some home improvement projects that have been lingering since the #BenderThroughDecember and I really just needed to not go out and spend $400 at the bars. That said, here’s what you need for a perfect stay-in weekend:

Pick Some Great Movies/Series

I don’t go to the movies a lot except when it’s so critically acclaimed that I have to go, and generally, that’s only when it’s super patriotic. I saw American Sniper twice and I think the last movie I saw in theaters before that was Zero Dark Thirty (twice, again.) On stay-in weekends, I try to pick 3-5 movies I’m dying to see and rent them on iTunes or find them on Netflix. I have The Wire and The Sopranos on DVD so those also get thrown in the mix. Staying in? Rewatch all of Friday Night Lights or crank out Gone Girl three times because it’s so fucked up (totally not me.) You’ll be off to a good start.

Make a To Do List

Normally on the weekends I’m a hurricane making landfall at the bars all weekend. When I stay in, I have no idea what I’m doing other than being lame as shit and ignoring my friends’ awesome Snaps. The easiest way to fight this is to make a to do list of things you need to do, especially around the house. Did you get knocked out by a cab driver the other weekend? Perfect opportunity to wash those bloody bed sheets. Parents visiting for the first time next weekend? Scrub the fuck out of your place. Have a sweet Yeti cooler that’s been sitting on your porch all winter and has feathers in it from last dove season? Buy a scrub brush and get it ready for summer. Note: this was my weekend, just a sample. Just have a to-do list.

Stock the Pantry

When I said you’re not going out, that doesn’t mean you’re not going out. Go to the grocery store, buy a case of beer and enough booze to get through a full weekend of drinking. Hit up the snack aisle hard and get a couple bags of Sea Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips. Hell, go crazy and just order delivery food all weekend. You’re staying in and already saving money, treat yourself. Your best play is to order pizza and wings from a shitty pizza place and you have food for basically all weekend. Also, for those of you that smoke the Devil’s Lettuce, I totally don’t condone illegal drug use but you might want to call your dealer.

Timing is Everything

Here’s the deal on this not going out thing: you don’t have long to do it. This can only be attempted between Super Bowl weekend and Kentucky Derby weekend. Before the Super Bowl? There’s football being played and you basically just told me you don’t care about having American citizenship. During/after the Derby? It’s also Mayweather/Pacquiao, NHL playoffs, MLB is in full swing and it’s almost summer, you’re again telling me that you’d rather renounce your citizenship and move to Canada. This is the time of the year to take a weekend off to regroup and you only have a couple more weekends to do it so get after it.