#ProjectYachtWeek: A Kickstarter Campaign

A few years ago, I asked Hot Bro 5 to describe himself in one sentence. His answer?

"Yacht Week."

Don't know what Yacht Week is? Well do me a favor and promptly remove your head from your asshole to watch the official fuckin' trailer:

First off, British people can pretty much describe anything as "mental" and it's going to make me want to do it more than I want to live. Having a British person describe me as "mental" isn't a dream of mine; it's the essence of my being. "Hey mate, what did it feel like when that bird called you 'mental' after you did a Flying Squirrel off the mast?" Like I was a Viagra pill with a face. Like my cock was made out of concrete. Like someone replaced my dick with a pressure sprayer.

Second of all, here is a live look at my living room when the trailer hits 1:19:


Yacht Week is described as "an exhilarating experience of sailing, regattas, entertainment, and much more." I'm 99% that by "much more," they mean tanned European broads with hard stomachs, free party drugs provided by sketchy Slavic dudes, and "Levels" by Avicii playing on repeat for 168 straight hours. I may have dated myself with that Avicii reference but that song is still awesome to me so I'm rolling with it.

You can choose from Italy, Greece, Croatia, Thailand, or the British Virgin Islands (but I think the BVI package is only for poor people because you're not bougie unless you go overseas, right?)

Unfortunately, I'm currently saving up for a really expensive pair of sunglasses so I'm not able to personally fund myself (or my friends) to go on a Yacht Week cruise over summer '15. That's where you come in.

The premise behind #ProjectYachtWeek is the same premise that's behind every Kickstarter campaign in the history of the world: I'm going to offer you some really shitty incentives to give me money that I don't deserve. 

If you pledge $1: I will personally take that one dollar, rip it into shreds, and mail it back to you in an envelope with a signed note that reads, "Thanks but no thanks. Use this for the BVI package, Oliver Twist."

If you pledge $25: You will receive a signed photograph of me savaging an Amstel Light Tallboy from atop a mega-yacht while "Burn" by Ellie Goulding blasts in the background.

If you pledge $100: You will receive a 1 square-inch piece of my 3" inseam bathing suit that contains one of the following residues: lager (so British), vodka, Molly, semen. 

If you pledge $500: You will receive one (1) FaceTime call post-Yacht Week where you get the opportunity to talk me off the ledge.

If you pledge $1,000: I guess you can come with us on Yacht Week but just know that my friends and I will exclude the fuck out of you because #NoNewFriends.

If you fund the entire week: I'm going to use $5,000 of that to pay for Amelia to come to the wedding in November, just FYI.

As it goes with every Kickstarter project, there are risks and challenges involved. At the risk of sounding vulnerable, my body isn't summer ready despite it being mid-July. Therefore, in preparation for #ProjectYachtWeek, I vow to:

  • Do 1,000 sit-ups everyday and plank when waiting in any line.
  • Not eat any carbs until fall 2015.
  • Tan 3x per week with emphasis on high-thigh and upper chest.
  • Purely drink Michelob Ultras / vodka-waters.

The current roster for #ProjectYachtWeek consists of all applicants that comprised the wedding plus-one competition: Amelia, Teddy, Teddy's Bitch, Douchebag Pete, and John (Still not sure who he is but you better believe Johnny and I gonna be burying our faces in some Ibiza titties).

I'm psyched.

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