Sunday Scaries Guide to First Dates

Right now I'm reeling on an emotional rollercoaster because my internet girlfriend found out I cheated on her last month with a 40 year-old that I made out with over Independence Day.

But shit, you know what I say to that? This was my hall pass that I'm retroactively claiming from that time she went on a first date IMMEDIATELY after we started internet dating.

Read: Rhetorical Analysis: How To Dress For A Date

Someone recently asked me, "Hey Awesome Dude, what is your secret talent?" I turned to my mental rolodex of talents: headstands, having great hair, flop shots, talking with a Mexican inflection in my voice, etc. Then it came to me — first dates.

Now, I haven't been on a first date in over two years. While the "if you don't use it, you'll lose it" rule may apply to my present day first-date-talent-level, I still think that this is the premier talent in my backstock of awesomeness. I've simply been too busy juggling internet dating and over-serving myself to actually have a crush on or pursue a girl that I see fitting to pursue.

But that being said, there are tried and true principals to absolutely killing it on a first date.

Rule No. 1: Don't wash your hair for two days prior.

Every hot bro knows that your hair peaks on day 3 of not washing it. It's science. You get the perfect combination of grease and day-old product going that your flow just appears radiant from across the table.

If your lettuce isn't on point, might as well call it and cancel the whole fuckin' date.

Rule No. 2: Choose a neutral location, preferably a location where no familiar faces will be.

You don't want any awkward run-ins. You want a safe haven to get your first date game momentum going.

Me? I'm picking somewhere that we can eat al-fuckin-fresco, or I'm picking a place with dim lighting that says, "I'm setting the mood while also trying to hide any potential blemishes that either you or I have." Love me or hate me, you can't deny that I'm a people pleaser.

Rule No. 3: Walk up to her door.

I don't care if you're in a city or if you're picking this broad up from her parent's house in your hometown — you grow a dick and you walk to that motherfucking door.

Remember that time that Coach Taylor told Saracen to get laid, so Saracen asked out Coach Taylor's daughter, then showed up to Coach Taylor's house wearing a Member's Only Jacket while simultaneously turning down Coach Taylor's beer offer because he "had to drive"? Yeah, it was a brutal way to start a first date. But at least Saracen had enough self-respect to realize that even though Coach Taylor scared him shitless, he had to be man enough to pick Julie up and show the Taylor family that he was an upstanding dude.

My dad would be more disappointed in me if he heard that I texted a girl from my car, "I'm here." than he would be if he heard I punched my mom in the face. There's being a man and there's being a gentleman — figure out what the fuck you want to be.

Rule No. 4: Eat slower than your date.

On the surface, this rule touches on the idea that you don't want to be a pig in front of the potential mother to your children. Fuck that though - you establish not being a pig purely by your food choice (don't order finger foods or pasta, only order something that can be cut with a knife and fork).

The real reasons behind slow-eating your date are as follows:

  • You make her question the speed at which she's eating which immediately puts you in a power position.
  • By taking time between bites, you give yourself the opportunity to run the conversation in the direction that you want it to go.
  • You extend the date beyond a quick 45 minute dinner and into the territory of "you know, we really got to know each other."

And yeah, those three reasons made you initially think, "That's an asshole move" but then finished off with you saying, "Aww, this Sunday Scaries guy is sweet." Broke you down so I could build you back up.

Rule No. 5: Get boozy.

Don't be afraid to hammer drinks. And I'm not just talking at dinner. I'm talking about post-date drinks too. If you get on the train, she'll get on the train with you. Have zero concerns about making a fool of yourself because there's an equal chance that she could do the same thing (power position!).

At the risk of quoting the most over-quoted line in the history of quoted lines, "And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?" Your liquor jacket will make it that much easier to go in for that knee-knockin' first kiss, and the next day you can use your mutual hangover/scaries as an excuse to bond over texts.

I'm not sayin' get drunk enough to bone, but I am saying get drunk enough for her to ask, "Are you good to drive?"

At the end of the night, you'll be struttin' home with a little drunk kick in your step, make-up on your cheek, and a dime-piece that you'll wanna call the next day. And if not? Hopefully you're still good at flop shots.