Editor's Note: Somehow, "Weddings" was omitted from the Locales Region of the Sunday Scaries March Madness Hot Bro Bracket. I am completely willing to shoulder the responsibility for this glaring omission. My life credo is "No Excuses, Just Results" (Greg Thompson!!!) so lets move on and forget this ever happened.
This is the quintessential Sunday Scaries column featuring all that is bougie and great in this world. For hours I sifted through all that encompasses this blog and have created THE bracket of all brackets while including the required reading to get you up-to-speed on the Sunday Scaries lifestyle. Pitting these 32 awesome-pieces-of-awesome against each other has caused mental anguish that I would not wish upon anybody.
The bracket has been split into four defined regions: Scary-isms, Locales, Bros, and Cocktails. And honestly, I'm lickin' my chops already. So, without ado, lets hash this shit out and see which Sunday Scaries favorite reigns supreme.
(VOTE on the Final Four match-ups at the bottom.)
Analysis: A LOT of great shit on the table here - OP vs. Montana Cooler, Frat Lap vs. Bougie? These are decisions I never thought I'd have to make in life. And frankly, these are decisions I never want to make in life.
One of the most interesting story lines is that "OP" was a 5-seed and emerged as the winner, but more on that in a moment.
"Scaries" entered the bracket as the overall 1-seed, and for good reason. After all, you have to be true to your roots and what got ya here, and we can all agree that "Scaries" fits the mold.
It was sad to see "Montana Cooler" bow out of the tournament so early as it has quickly proven itself as a favorite Sunday Scaries phrase that will be used and employed often in the near future. I hung my head pretty low after that barn-burner of a match-up.
Devastating Match-Up From Hell: Round 1, Bougie vs. Shitripper. When two phrases feel so good to say, how you can you choose just one winner? While these phrases are at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, Bougie emerged as the favorite. It call came down to the fact that I'm in my mid-20s and Shitrippers just don't have that big of a place in my life as they did when I was 18-23. As much as I want to be Wooderson from Dazed & Confused just showing up at rawkus house parties with young trim running around, I can't bring myself to do it. Maturity is a bitch.
Winner: "Own Program." Taking down the #2 seed "Bougie," "Own Program" has too strong of a place in Sunday Scaries history to not exit the Scary-ism Region as the clear winner.
REQUIRED READING: The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved
Analysis: My ideal day would consist of me dabbling in each and every one of these areas of interest. While a lot of these match-ups co-exist with one another (Lawn vs. Boat, Pool vs. Porch, Porch vs. Golf Course), each hold a special place in our hearts for getting some solid boozing done.
Devastating Match-Up From Hell: While people came from far and wide to see Porch vs. Pool, the real main event of the Locales Region proved itself to be the Elite 8 match-up between Golf Course and Kentucky Derby. How can you choose a clear winner between those two? Well, you can't. How can you expect someone to choose a once-a-year event over a life staple?
Winner: #1 Golf Course. Because at the end of the day, I'd rather golf everyday for the rest of my life than go to the Kentucky Derby every day for the rest of my life (If I Derby'd daily, I'd way too young. I'm looking WAY too forward to being forced into early retirement so I can play golf to make that type of sacrifice).
The greatest characteristic about golf courses (as well as airports) is that you can have a drink at ANY time of day and no one can look at you condescendingly. It's completely acceptable to pop a top on a Mike Lima at a 7am tee time. Anywhere else in the world, you'll just get some type of stink eye from some little twerp that can't hang.
Analysis: Can you just imagine having a cocktail party and steak dinner with this group of guys? Stone Cold and Coach Taylor would be POUNDING Lone Stars and arguing Texas Football. Meanwhile, Dubya would be chiming in talking about the rise of the SMU program since the Pony Express days, and McConaughey would be laughing and reminiscing about being on the sidelines in 2005. In the background, you'd see Bill Murray and I slinging back pints of champagne while picking Arnie's brain for some putting tips. Like, are you fuckin' KIDDING ME?
I'm smiling so big right now.
Devastating Match-Up From Hell: Round 1, Bill Murray vs. Arnold Palmer. Bill Murray has simply come in too hot into this tournament with his tag-team partner, The Montana Cooler.
Winner: McConaughey. Like ya didn't see that one comin'. Among a field of worthy and great adversaries, McConaughey's stock is too high right now. All these other guys have been in past championships and thrived. It's Matt's time now, and I'm not sure anything can stop him.
Analysis: Hands down the most competitive field we've ever seen. You could turn this bracket's seeding upside-down and I'm not sure you'd hear any complaints from the peanut gallery.
Did it feel good knocking one of my all-time favorite cocktails, the Dark & Stormy, out in round 1? No. It felt like I put my dog down. But more on that in a bit.
The worst part about the Cocktails Region is that these all couldn't just co-exist together. But the fact of the matter is, these drinks all thrive in specific situations so you have to take it match-up by match-up and determine a winner.
*Side note: Amazingly, Mind Erasers have not been mentioned on Sunday Scaries yet. While this will be remedied soon, let me explain what this treasure actually is: in a rocks glass with ice, you pour a bottom-layer of vodka followed by a middle layer of Kahlua, topped with soda water. You then proceed by putting a straw in the bottom of the glass and drinking it from the ground up. The vodka gets masked by the Kahlua which then gets masked by the soda water, and before you know it, your mind is completely erased and nothing too wild is off the table.
Devastating Match-Up From Hell: Round 1, Miller Lite vs. Voddy-Soda. Just two golf course classics going head-to-head in early round play. Unfair, really. As the only beer in the field, Miller Lite came in with a sense of entitlement wanting to prove that it deserved a spot in the much-coveted cocktail arena. But the sleeper-pick, unfortunately, bowed out in a second-round loss to the 1-seed Gamechanger. Hold your head high, Miller Lite. You've inspired us all.
Winner: SHOCK AND AWE! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES! SOUND THE ALARMS! WE GOT OURSELVES A CINDERELLA, PEOPLE! Mint Juleps are cutting down the nets after coming out of NOWHERE to overtake the 1-seed Gamechanger! Lets discuss its road to glory.
When pitting a Mint Julep against a Dark & Stormy, you're essentially pitting the Kentucky Derby vs. Boat Life. While Boat Life is frequent, Kentucky Derbys are few and far between. When you're at the Derby and you're holding one of those succulent Juleps, you know you're about to have the time of your fuckin' life.
Meeting Bromosas in round 2 is a classic match-up between two powerhouses. But, as the Mint Julep has proven in the past, it's here to fuck some shit up. Meanwhile, Bromosas are typically used to knock some dust off and get you back on the horse. Unfortunately for Bromosas, the horse is named, "Mint Julep."
In one of the premier match-ups of the tournament thus far, the Mint Julep took down 1-seed Gamechanger in dramatic fashion. Riding the momentum of beating two classics, the Mint Julep was simply too overpowering down the stretch. Quality prevails over quantity.
VOTE NOW: THE FINAL 4
The Sunday Scaries March Madness Hot Bro Bracket Championship match-up will be announced next weekend.