Things That Need To Stay In 2014
By Old Man Body
2014 was a phenomenal year, but there’s a lot of stuff I’d rather just died at the end of December and didn't follow us into 2015.
“Wait ,didn’t you just tell me that you should be using Tinder when you travel for work to find babes?” Yeah, I did, but forget that shit. I’m over Tinder. It’s finally gotten to the point where people see it as a joke and a way to kill time when you’re hating life in the cubes. Nobody takes it seriously except for the girls who have Android where Tinder probably became available yesterday.
I’ll take this opportunity to give a solid “FUCK YOU” to every creepy dude that had a hand in ruining Tinder. It was a great way to score a random date here and there, and you had to ruin it by being a fucking pervert. If you send pervy messages on Tinder that aren’t ironic or sly, you should be chemically castrated. End of story.
I’m not one to judge anyone’s sexual proclivities (I’m also not disclosing any of mine), but the butt stuff trend has to go away. If you want to tongue bathe somebody’s balloon knot, that’s your business, just don’t sing about it. And ladies, I’m an ass man, do your squats, but don’t use Nikki or Iggy as an example. You won’t find a boyfriend to bring home. I’ll bet my 401k on that.
Craft Beers Snobs
I don’t want to steal Shmorey’s thunder, but damn, I had a girl telling me this weekend about a brewer making suds from goose shit and algae. Hipsters need to get the fuck away from craft beer before I smash their growler and run away laughing clutching a 24-pack with a carry handle.
Not Having an iPhone
I’m not even joking when I say this: when I get a girl’s number and I see my message to her turn green, I delete her number. Yeah, I’m sure they’ve improved non-iPhones so they can be in group chats now but I don’t care. My favorite thing to do hungover in bed is to FaceTime my friends to make sure they’re as miserable as me. Get with the times and get an iPhone already. It’s not a difficult concept. Just don’t get the 6+. I have one and hate it.
I have no facts to back this up, but I think the rave/EDM thing is starting to die off a little bit and this makes me so happy. It’s not even real fucking music. Don’t try to tell me that the DJ you paid $50 to see is actually doing anything other than hitting play on a set list he made six months ago. The whole scene is an excuse for girls to be total skanks, which normally I’m not opposed to but y’all are taking it too far. Shmorey Shmallen put it best in an e-mail a few weeks ago: “They're most likely the type that wear furry boots to an EDM festival and end up getting fingered and doing Molly in a port-a-potty with a guy named Sal. “ Your stupid bracelets, glowsticks, Indian head dresses, bandanas, and neon tank tops are hereby DEAD. Go throw some Marshall Tucker Band or The Rolling Stones on and I bet you’ll roll your face on hearing real music for the first time.
Hashtags on Facebook
I kind of like seeing hashtags on Facebook because it makes it easier to cull my friend list down even further. However, there are some people I actually associate with that are morons so here’s my advice: HASHTAGS ARE FOR TWITTER. Got it? Good.
Using the phrase “Stay Classy”
Okay, we get it, you loved Anchorman, but this using “stay classy” to end an argument or passively insult somebody is fucking dumb. You’re a basic bitch if you ever say that phrase. See what I did there? I didn’t have to be passive, I just called you a basic bitch directly. Somebody offends you? Man up and call them an asshole. "Stay classy" was played out in 2011, stop it already.
Social Media Outrage
Nobody cares about your opinion about what happened in Ferguson or how Hillary Clinton lied about Benghazi. Channel that energy into something more productive, like hitting straighter drives or learning to cook grouse for your chick.
Bob Seger Not on Spotify
“Hey man, what about Taylor?” DOOOOOON’T CARE. If you’ve been reading Scaries, you know the editor is the biggest tick on Seger’s balls. The rest of you should be too. “Night Moves?” Try not to get laid to that song, you can’t. “Against the Wind”? You think Forrest Gump ran in silence? And besides, I’ve done the math and there’s a 99.9% chance I was conceived after a Seger concert in the 80’s. Get Bob Seger the fuck on Spotify already.
Gluten Free Diets
Hey America: only 1% of the population actually has Celiac disease. The rest of you are all suckers buying into the latest fad. When I see some white chick, and it's always a white chick, asking that her strange dietary restriction be met at a restaurant, I want to cunt punt her to the moon.You're so insane that you've convinced yourself that eating gluten is bad for you. If you legitimately have doctor diagnosed Celiac disease, I feel for you. But for the folks who claim they do when they really don't? Shut the fuck up and quit ruining my restaurant experience. I'm probably on a date trying to impress a babe and you're making me irritated, and Irritated OMB ain't going home with the girl.