By Old Man Body
It’s been a couple of weeks since the end of another NFL season for the ages. Sure, none of your teams probably won the Super Bowl, but it provided us all with a way to keep the Scaries at bay and not put a shotgun in our mouth on Sunday nights. I realized after brunching/Fundaying too hard for the second weekend in a row that I needed a will to live on Sunday other than getting drunk as a skunk and delaying the Scaries by a few hours. Here’s the definitive list of reasons to live until we get far enough into summer that constantly being tan and drunk will make life worth living again. I miss something? Bitch at me on Twitter about it: @OldManBody.
I don’t watch much college hoops over the course of the season, even though my team is somewhere in the top 5 or 10 right now. I’ve maybe caught the second half of one game. When the conference tournaments start, it's a complete different story. Once the season actually matters, I’m watching every game that I can, filling out brackets, arguing with co-workers about whose team is going to make it out of the 2nd round, while crushing wings and pizza on a nightly basis. Just like in fantasy football, my picks would be better if we had Stevie Wonder filling out my bracket, but it won’t stop me from getting in a half dozen pools.
I hate baseball. I can’t stand the pace of the game and the purists that argue about it needing to be played “the right way.” I hate the optimism of Cubs fans, the swarm of Cardinals fans, and the douchebaggery of the fans of every single club in the Northeast. Will that stop me from going to a million games this year? Of course not. Baseball games rock if your stadium has cheap beers. Week day/night tickets are usually cheap and it’s a phenomenal date idea, especially in a baseball crazy city like the one I live in. Don’t have a pro club? Even better. Minor league teams are constantly running promotions that let you get sauced on the cheap and the atmosphere is always pretty fun. Sunday Night Baseball is also nice background noise when you’re holed up in The Panic Room.
Kentucky Derby/horse racing season
I’m going to the Derby for the first time this year and I CAN’T WAIT. Got the hot bros coming down for a boys weekend in Louisville where I’m sure one of us will spend the night in the clink, all while dressed like we’re going to some redneck awards show. Check out the editor’s Kentucky Derby stories and you’ll get a good picture. Not close to Louisville? You have April races at Keeneland in Lexington, the Belmont Stakes and the Preakness. Get to one. Oh wait, you don’t like getting dressed up, hanging out with smokes in fancy clothes and guzzling bourbon the whole day all while being a degenerate gambler? Fuck out my face.
Stanley Cup Playoffs
You’re probably starting to notice a recurring theme with some of these: they’re things I don’t actually like that much for what they are. I grew up in a rural area where hockey wasn’t a thing. I bet most people from my hometown don’t even know what hockey is. Once I got to college and learned most bros are big hockey fans, I realized I had to start watching. The NFL playoffs might get more attention, but the Stanley Cup playoffs are consistently more competitive and watchable. Every game is a dog fight. Guys playing through broken faces and torn ligaments. Some goalie that was a steaming pile of dog shit in the regular season gets hot and carries his team to the Finals. Everything that you want to see in professional sports, except they’re doing it on ice instead of turf.
Memorial Day Weekend
The official start to summer. A three day weekend at the lakehouse crushing Miller Lites. Girls get to start wearing white pants again. ‘Nuff said.
By concert season, I mean concerts played by musicians playing real instruments and singing actual songs. I don't mean an EDM festival surrounded by girls that look like complete skanks and everyone wearing neon and doing horse tranquilizers. I’m talking about hanging out in a grass parking lot all day, surrounded by people wearing Hawiian shirts with the sounds of gas powered blenders and Jimmy Buffett drifting through the crowd. “But bro, the girls are at this computer music festival are way hotter.” Yeah, so what, I’d rather go a place where there’s a strong chance of seeing 50 year old mom tits because I don’t get to see those every day. You eat steak everyday and sometimes you feel like indulging in a hamburger.
I haven’t checked the schedule for the summer but I’ll be doing my usual Jimmy Buffett/Zac Brown Band rotation with a country concert or three sprinkled in. Ever see girls at a country concert? Just as hot as EDM shows AND they won’t overdose on bath salts in your bed. Other options: Dave Matthews is always a hot ticket, the Dead are playing a two night set at Soldier Field and I’m sure there’s a big name country artist that will be doing a stadium tour like they do every year.