The Official "Shark Tank" Investor Rankings

By Sunday Scaries for Post Grad Problems

When I'm hungover, I often find myself wearing athletic clothes to put out a vibe that says, "hey, I'm active despite drinking a thousand beers this past weekend." In the same breath, I have a similar outlook on my hungover television consumption as well. I'm not going to binge-watch American Horror Story and amplify my Sunday Scaries by a million. I need television that's smart, but not cerebrally exhausting or taxing; entertaining but not overwhelming and in-my-face. Which makes Shark Tank pretty much fucking perfect.

Let's face it - when you're hungover, bougie things tend make you feel better. Be it a $24 poolside Mai Tai or an expensive pair of shades, money actually can buy happiness when you're fighting the ol' bottle flu. And what better way to channel your inner-rich person than to live vicariously through the ballers on Shark Tank?

The sad truth is that when it comes to which sharks I most want to ball out with, not all investors are created equally.

6. Barbara Corcoran

There's a reason that Barbara isn't a full-time shark. And that reason is because she sucks. She reminds me of one of my mom's friends that would come over to my house when I was little and order me to do the dishes instead of play NFL Blitz. She also rocks the stereotypical "can I speak with your manager?" haircut that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. If you're going to cut your hair that short and expect me to be smitten with you, your name better be Halle Berry.

Business-wise, Barbara is perplexing. She's a real estate mogul but always manages to do deals with food companies. In season 4 alone, she invested in a grilled cheese franchise, a lobster stand, and some 8 year old who was homemaking dog treats with his mom. Amateur hour.

5. Lori Greiner

Lori is a one-trick pony in every sense of the phrase. She sits there with the same variation of dress on and the same "toss it to the side" hairstyle just watching deals pile up because she can pedal that shit on QVC. I'm not saying this is all necessarily a bad thing (I mean, fuck, it's obviously working for her), but you need to have a larger skill set than this if you want to be considered a top shark. Diversify your portfolio and get back to me.

(I sneaky WOULD though.)

4. Daymond John

I've always had an affinity for Daymond because my dad used to wear a FUBU jacket when he was going through his mid-life crisis in 1999. Need an apparel or manufacturing deal? Daymond's your dude. Anything outside of that? He's giving you peanuts.

Plus, he's 5'7" and I've already got one 5'7" guy in my crew who is straight-up irreplaceable (sup, Douchebag Pete?). Can't just be rolling around town with a bunch of tiny dudes.

3. Kevin "Mr. Wonderful" O'Leary

On the surface, Mr. Wonderful is the ideal shark. He's dripping in cash, he's charming, and he's a straight-shooter. And when he's cruising around in the show's intro wearing an open white button-down shirt while ripping across a lake in his 21' Chris Craft, the entirety of my mind is like, "Duuuuude, you need to partner with that guy."

I mean, I cannot love anything more than when Mr. Wonderful touts his membership in La Confrérie des Chevaliers du Tastevin, his bougie wine-tasting club that he'll try to bring up at any opportunity. Housing overly-expensive bottles of Burgundy with billionaires is just something I need to be a part of, simple as that.

But, then his fangs come out and he tries to pigeonhole you in one of his "in perpetuity" deals where you find yourself writing him weekly checks until one of you fucking dies. Or, even worse, you don't get a deal with him at all because he hits you with his trademark, "You're dead to me." line, which is essentially one step above getting castrated and one step below actually dying.

2. Mark Cuban

You can't not be a Cuban fan.

All Cubes does is power moves. Whether it's buying companies outright rather than simply investing or making his LinkedIn photo a picture of him smoking a cigar with the Larry O'Brien Trophy, Cubes plays by his own rules. The guy is clearly living every red-blooded American male's dream life, which would obviously make him everyone's ideal investor, right? Wrong.

While we'd all switch places with him in a heartbeat, Cubes' fatal flaw is that he's kind of a dick, and unnecessarily so. He's known to rudely jump out of deals with little or no justification, and will demean and chirp at the other sharks after he bows out. And if you're pitching an idea and you hear Cubes start to say, "and for that reason," you're completely fucked because it always ends with, "I'm out." There's no wiggle room with a bullheaded bro like that.

1. Robert Herjavec

He's got it all.

Described as "the son of an immigrant factory worker" in the introduction (which sounds like some Upton Sinclair The Jungle type of shit), he's now living the American dream. He's the most endearing and personable of all the investors, but isn't afraid to drop a "don't mistake my kindness for weakness" on you when you try to take advantage of him. Side note: I've tried (and failed) to use that line at work but it's a lot harder to pull off when your net worth is closer to the cost of a fajita burrito than it is to $125 million.

Furthermore, Robert's a total Hot Bro outside of the Tank. He races Ferraris, golfs often, rides Ducatis, and hangs out with the likes of Bublé, Bono, and Jagger. Leisure activities, famous lead-man buddies, and a boatload of cash to boot? Yeah, sign me the fuck up.

And that flow, guys. That flow. It's luxurious. It's just like my boy Old Man Body said: "Having a gorgeous full of head of hair most definitely opens doors for some of us." Amen.