Ryder Cup Preview: A Conversation with Douchebag Pete

If we know anything about Douchebag Pete, it's that the kid loves hot babes, long drives, and great hair. I've lived and died through numerous Ryder Cups with DBP, and he was at Medinah on Sunday in 2012 to witness the US collapse against Europe. So who better to have a stream-of-consciousness conversation with about the 2014 Ryder Cup than the man himself?

Sunday Scaries: Well DBP, it's that time again. Better than Opening Day, better than Super Bowl Sunday, better than the first day of spring when chicks wear skirts for the first time. It's the fucking Ryder Cup. Not sure about you, but I'm still reeling from the 2012 meltdown and the only way I can feel normal again is with a United States victory led by our fearless leader, Tom Watson.

Douchebag Pete: Couldn't have said it better myself. After seeing that Sunday meltdown in 2012 at Medinah in person, I've been chomping at the bit to get another shot at those Euro softies. Where it all starts is with the leader, Tom Watson. Hands down best captain we've had in a long time. He has the right attitude and every guy on our roster wants to win for him. When I think of Watson, I think of a story his late caddy, Bruce Edwards, used to tell. Bruce briefly left Watson to caddy for Greg Norman but returned to Watson's bag rather quickly. He used to say that when Norman would find his ball in a divot, he would hang his head and complain. But, when Watson would find his ball in a divot, he would look at Bruce, smile, and say "watch what I'm gonna do with this ball". That story says it all. No matter what shitty predicament our team finds itself in, you know our team captain will just smile and say "fuck 'em, let's go out and take every point available."

Sunday Scaries: After watching some Tom Watson tips on the Golf Channel the other night, I implemented some on the course on Wednesday and I looked like Patrick fucking Reed out there. Just a skinny fat all-star with a bad attitude and some stellar revamped iron play. I know he's not the most revered guy on our team this year, but he's going to be walking around Scotland with his blondestar wife all week and that's gotta do wonders for our team dick-swagger. Just hoping MJ doesn't show his face at Gleneagles like he did at Medinah. Him banging Justine could effectively end our Cup hopes.

Douchebag Pete: A couple points about Patrick Reed. First of all Patrick Reed is not skinny fat, the dude is just straight-up fat and by no means should you compare your tremendous physique to that. Second, I completely agree that he adds some major dick-swagger to our squad. Not only will he be walking around with his smokeshow wife but he also publicly states that he's one of the world's top 5 golfers. Love that confidence. And I highly doubt MJ shows his face this year, he brought zero to the table two years ago. Did you see the Golf Channel's story on MJ trying to "psych out" Ian Poulter? It was pathetic, Poulter ended up making 5 straight birdies. Case and point, MJ does nothing for the team and is just a distraction.

Now for some Phil Talk. The reports right now are all about Phil taking the team out to dinners and getting the camaraderie going. We need that, and I think it will pay off in a huge way. Aside from that, Phil scares me on the course a little bit. His form was dog-shit all year. We can only hope that Keegan gets him fired up and he turns his play around. I for one just want to see more of this:

Sunday Scaries: I think we can both agree that the only thing MJ brought to Medinah was distractions and mind-numbing pair of JNCOS. Bottom line: we need Phil and Keegan to regain that rapport at Gleneagles, which will be a hell of a lot harder without the US crowd backing their every move. They're obviously our marquee group out there though. Now that Bubba has vowed to tone it down, I couldn't give a fuck who he plays with. He needs to change his tone and change it FAST if he wants the backing of Sunday Scaries.

MJ, your jeans, bro. They're huge.

Douchebag Pete: I'm pretty sure my first group text from Medinah was, "MJ just walked past me and he's wearing FUCKING JEANS". Really, MJ? Jeans on Sunday at the Ryder Cup? I agree that we will absolutely be missing the US crowd for Keegan and Phil but if an American made the trip, chances are they're following those two and going nuts for them. And did Bubba really vow to not rile up the crowd? I missed that. I lost all respect for him when he refused to take part in the long drive competition during the practice round at the PGA. With that being said, I am fully behind every member of our squad when the cup starts next weekend. Gotta make that clear, can't be coming off anti-American.

Moving on to another team member, did you see Furyk's interview in '99 after he pummeled Sergio on Sunday? The guy was fired up and acting like a total badass. If we don't see that Furyk again and get the same guy that choked two years ago then I think we're in big trouble. He's a guy that needs to step up now that we don't have DJ and Dufner.

Sunday Scaries: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold the fucking phone. There is a 0.0% chance that Furyk brings any type of x-factor to this Ryder Cup. For a guy who is sponsored by an energy shot company, homeboy brings ZERO to the table. And after his absolute meltdown at the last Ryder Cup, I think he has to take all of his possible points to get in my good graces. The only person who is more vanilla that Furyk is Zach Johnson. At Phil's dinners, I bet they're ordering plain chicken and rice with lemon waters. Can't we just have DJ and Dufner back so Team USA can pound lines and dips like the days of old?

Douchebag Pete: Bro, I'm not gonna rule out Furyk. Thank God he isn't able to get his sponsorship on the team gear - worst corporate sponsor on tour. Greatest chirp of the year goes to the guy that yelled "that's not a 2:30 feeling" after Furyk shanked a drive.

But, back to the topic at hand, we are absolutely shorthanded without DJ and Dufman. I mean, they were the perfect substance combo. DJ gets the team amped up with some blow and Duf calms everyone down with a fresh tin of Copenhagen. Obviously we need some people to step up. My pick for team MVP this year is Rickie. Swing is on point and with those finishes in the majors he's definitely got a little dick-swagger going right now. Personally I'd love to see a Rickie and Spieth team at some point. Two young guns that aren't gonna take any shit, not that the Euro fans know how to properly chirp though. 

Sunday Scaries: Wow, the idea of pairing Spieth and Rickie Fowdog just made it move a little. Both are wise beyond their years and can handle the pressure of taking some points on European soil. But yeah, there's no way those Brits can get in the heads of our boys. You can only call someone a "tosser" or "wanker" so many times before you just get completely phased out. 

How badly do I want Billy Horschel to play? I'd legitimately cut off at least one of my pinky toes.

How badly do I want Billy Horschel to play? I'd legitimately cut off at least one of my pinky toes.

My MVP for this Ryder Cup? Gotta be Billy Horschel, right? Guy has been absolutely electric as of late. Hold on, what's that? Horschel isn't playing? Not to get overly statistical, but everyone does know his last 12 rounds have been 69, 66, 67, 69, 68, 66, 63, 69, 66, 66, 69, 68, right? That's 38 under par with two wins and a cool $10 million. But you're tellin' me this guy isn't on the team? Slap my ass and call me Colin Montgomerie. This is fucked.

Who the fuck am I supposed to pick? Kuch? Webb fucking Simpson? Nappenin'. I'm hoping they call Webb to the first tee on day one and Horschel walks up to tee off in classic Zoolander fashion when he accepted Hansel's award.

Douchebag Pete: Someone needs to tell Webb that he can best serve his country by faking an injury and letting Horschel play. Although, Billy just had a kid with his less than impressive wife so his head probably isn't the right place.

Now that we've established the best and worst of our squad, who's the biggest pussy on the Europe side? My money is on Sergio.

Sunday Scaries: Oh my god, of COURSE it's Sergio. Couldn't find a softer dude if you tried. Part of the reason I love golf is to see his meltdowns. Remember in 2010 when Anthony Kim got in Sergio's grill while he looked for his ball? Sergio's brain was a fucking pretzel.

Douchebag Pete: You see that queer try to chip on Sunday at the BMW? Thinned it right through the green into the drink. The guy is a mental midget, and I'll tell you who did it to him - it was Furyk in '99 and I'm sticking to it. 

Editor's Note: Shortly after receiving this post at 9:13 pm on Friday, I received the following text immediately after.

Sunday Scaries: This Sergio-Furyk situation is panning out like a bad relationship. The guy (Sergio) knows he's going to see his dimepiece ex-girlfriend (Furyk?? No homo??) at a friend's wedding in a couple weeks, and he's just in complete shambles trying to get himself together for it. When they see each other at Gleneagles, Sergio is going to fumble over his words when Furyk shakes his hand and he'll be mentally stirred the rest of the weekend. He's probably been plotting what he's going to say for weeks now. Fuck, he's probably doing it as I type.

Who you got for MVP? I know you're Graeme McDowell Super Fan #1 after I received the text, "OH MY GOD! I'M LIKE 15 FEET FROM GRAEME!" when you were at Medinah in 2012.

Douchebag PeteLet's set the facts straight. By no means did I say "oh my god" and it was definitely not in all caps. Am I big Graeme fan? Yes I am. Love the guy's style and laid back attitude. Will I like him in a week? Fuck no, enemy number 1. You know who I'm most worried about? Fucking Kaymer. Guy is a machine, zero emotion running through him. I'd literally rather watch paint dry than hang out with Kaymer.

Sunday Scaries: Kaymer is icy. If he had been a child actor, he clearly would have been cast as a defenseman on Team Iceland in D2: The Mighty Ducks. In 2011, I was day-drinking at a popular Northern Michigan snowmobile bar and a few guys saw Kaymer wearing a white scarf underneath a blue cashmere Hugo Boss sweater. I've never seen such puzzled faces trying to figure out what was happening on the television screen. It was like having The Beverly Hillbillies attend a Great Gatsby party. Plain and simple, that's the difference between the United States and America. Our boys will refuse to put up with his intricacies.

Sup with Rory though? We worried about him?

Douchebag Pete: I hate to admit it, but yeah, I'm worried about him. The guy has had a hot bro season. Breaks up with his average, PR driven fiancé, cuts up his arms while banging a smokeshow, and then goes out and wins an absurd amount of tournaments. If we don't go out and beat him day 1 then we're in trouble.

Fuck it though, he's a curly headed fuck. We'll take care of him. I've talked myself off the ledge, he ain't shit.

Sunday Scaries: Yeah, but you know who I didn't fear in 2012? Nicolas Colsaerts. And he drained some clutch putts on Sunday and recently hit a 447 yard drive before hitting a gap wedge into the green on a 613-yard par 5. Even these Nancy-boys have hot bro moments in them.

Douchebag Pete: No I get it bro, you love Euros. That's cool. 

Seriously though, yeah we're the underdogs. Fine. I get it. We play 'em ten times, they might win nine. But not next weekend. Next weekend is our time. There time is over.

Sunday Scaries: I don't know what to say, really. I mean, it's a week until the biggest battle of their sporting lives. All comes down to next week, and either, they heal as a team, or they're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, shot by shot. Until they're finished. They're in hell right now. Believe me. And, they can stay there, get the shit kicked out of 'em, or they can fight their way back into the light. They can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now we can't do it for 'em. We're not in Scotland. But I look around, I see these young faces - Rickie, Jordan, Patrick. And they don't know this yet, but when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. Phil knows that. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, and so is golf. Because in either game - life or golf - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one chip too fat or too thin and they won't quite make it. One approach too right or too left, and they won't quite stick it. The inches they need are everywhere around them. They're in every break of the game, every drive, every putt. And on that team, they need to fight for that inch. On that team, they need to tear themselves and everyone else around them to pieces for that inch. They need to claw with their fingernails for that inch. Because they know when they add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! Watson knows this - in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And Tom knows, if they're gonna have any chance at winnin' this Cup, it's because they're willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is - the six inches in front of your face! Now Tom can't make 'em do it. They've gotta look at themselves and to the guys next to 'em, look into their eyes. Me? I think they're going to see a guy who will go that inch. They're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it they're gonna do the same for him. And that's a team, gentlemen. Either, they heal now, as a team, or they will die as individuals. That's the Ryder Cup, guys, that's all it is. Now, what are they gonna do?

Douchebag Pete: Holy shit. That was intense. I almost don't want Tom giving that speech, might spark too much untapped aggression. We'd probably just start tackling Euros the minute we saw them. Brings up an interesting point though. Who wins in a brawl? Dumb question, we do every time. Euros are soft as puppy shit. 

Now to my actual prediction. We take a comfy lead after Friday and Saturday's team matches. We feed off each other much better than the Euros. Sunday we hold off a charge and sneak out with the cup. Then everyone gets super fucked up while celebrating through the night right in front of the European fans to really rub it in.

Sunday Scaries: I'd pay endless amounts of money to see Patrick Reed take Rory's hand and play the "Why are you hitting yourself?" game mid-fight.

But Deebs, I just got off a craps heater and NEED a numeric prediction.

Douchebag Pete: Not a huge fan of being tied down to a number, but I'll give you a fuckin' number.

USA: 15 1/2

Europe: 12 1/2

Sunday Scaries: Couldn't co-sign harder if I tried.