The one thing I love about Thought Catalog is how easy they make it for me to hate them. They're like your friend's shitty girlfriend that you don't want him to dump because it's so much fun ripping on her behind her back, or even to her face once you turn that corner.
And while the author's, Kate Bailey, byline is sexy as hell to me ("Part time writer. Full time bad ass bitch. Brunch-having New Yorker."), I can't help but hate some of the shit that's come out of her mouth. She's my new Chelsea Fagan (here and here).
As always, original article in italics.
1. “Is it normal to hate everybody? Are the people around me insufferable or is it just me?”
Probably just you, Kate.
2. “I don’t know why there aren’t nutrition labels on wine bottles but I support whatever that reason is.”
Because you'd never fucking drink it if there was. Most girls pass off having four glasses of wine every night by making preposterous medical claims that it's "actually good for you to drink wine everyday!" because they read something on Elite Daily about it.
Here, Kate, let's look at this from my perspective. Below is my tab from New Year's Day. The waitress closed this tab out because her shift was over and we got a new waitress who proceeded to feed us more beers. Let's make a honest, fair estimate, and say she gave us like 4 more beers, which brings our total to 11.
If each of these Coors Lights had complete nutrition facts on them and I was completely aware that I was drinking 11 Coors Lights at 102 calories per beer totalling 1122 calories, there is no way I would have had that many.
...okay, yes, I would have.
3. “So I really have no idea how to save for retirement or what’s best for my credit score or what the difference is between CDs or other accounts they talk about on the commercials, but I’m financially stable enough not to have to ask my dad for help, so I’m just gonna wait until that’s not the case anymore or I’ll just WikiHow everything. That’s basically the game plan.”
I'm not going to knock your strategy here because I'm currently living my life by the "ignorance is bliss" mantra where if I throw away all my mail from Chase, CitiBank, American Express, et al., any bills I have out there will just eventually go away. Even though I know ignoring bills like they're a needy puppy will just end with a bunch of shit all over the floor, sometimes you just gotta do you.
4. “Would what I am doing right now be called trashy in some circles? Because I’m thinking yes.”
"Haters don't really hate you. They hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." - Aubrey Drake Graham
5. “Or I can just find somebody really really rich, marry them and maintain a very happy surface level relationship and never worry about a thing again.”
Considering you're in your mid-20s and don't know your credit score, yeah, I'm going to say this is a viable option for you.
6. “I have $50 in my checking account and payday is on Friday, I can absolutely afford a shopping spree with you, former college roomie who came to visit!”
Double digits in the bank account? Clean it up, Kate. I've already discussed that it sucks being with poor chicks. At this point in my life, I've resolved myself to the fact that I'm either going to be someone's second husband, or I'm going to somehow luck out and marry someone 25 years my senior and live lavishly as their live-in butler/lover.
7. “Wtf am I supposed to do when my best friend gets married?”
Not sure about you but I'm cleaning UP on bridesmaid pussy. Ridin' solo like you read about.
8. “I’m literally not happy for you at all, happily betrothed people on Facebook. You’re just settling for each other and we all know it."
Did you not just read my motherfucking Drake quote, Kate?
9. “I got my period, THANK GOD.”
Take that feeling, multiply it by a million, and apply it to the dude you took down the other night. You think you're thankful? He's Maury Povich "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER" thankful. Text him the news; he'll appreciate it.
10. “I’m glad I’m single right now, I’m on a spiritual journey, I’m finding myself, this is what life is about.”
Own Program, Kate. Maybe we're more similar than I thought.
11. “I wonder what people think of me when they look at my Instagram. *Checks own Instagram 4x per day* I think they think I’m cool.”
My Instagram makes me look like the coolest person ever even though I spend 90% of my nights sitting in my bed watching Detroit sports and Frasier reruns. I can't imagine you're that much different.
12. “What am I supposed to do with my pubic hair?”
Do away with it if you want him to call you back. And never use the excuse, "I wasn't expecting anything to happen tonight." We both know you were and you're just lazy.
13. “I’d rather start telling people I’m a vegetarian than admit I have no idea how to cook basically any form of meat.”
People will respect that a hell of a lot more than if you tell them you're gluten-fucking-free. The second any guy hears that, he defaults to, "This girl is just grasping at straws for a reason not to eat right now." And this all gets proven right when we see you blackout eating the meat lovers pizza that we bought at 2am.
14. “What exactly constitutes alcoholism? Like, be specific.”
You know, for my sake and personal well-being, I'd rather not touch this one.
15. “Do people actually enjoy going out?”
Do you not follow me on Twitter, Kate? Because if you don't know what #THENIGHT and #SECONDWIND are, then just click out of this window right now. Nothing to see here.
16. “… Because most of my social life revolves around going places and responding to texts just to keep up appearances.”
On the flipside, I'm a huge fan of making up excuses to avoid being social. I left probably four different parties last week while housesitting by just saying, "Ah, I wish I could but I have to go let the pups out."
Another favorite of mine? When someone pitches something to you, you just respond, "Sounds great!" Positive yet non-committal.
17. “So the problem with the world seems to be that people don’t really grow up, they just pretend they know all while maintaining the attitudes and mindsets they had in high school. I may be included in this group of people, but at least I’m aware.”
Fake it 'til you make it, Kate. Ain't rocket science.
18. “I’m not going to that wedding because I would rather spend $250 on H&M and sushi than people I barely know. So suck it.”
What the fuck are you talking about? Weddings are the shit. You're absolutely kidding yourself if you think that's more fun than going to weddings. I'd roast you for this right now, but I don't have the time or will power after doing it to Amelia.
19. “Am I the only one whose primary concern about moving in with a significant other is sharing a bathroom and having them know when you poop? Like, okay right we’re all adults, but tell me you’re all not a little anxious about this.”
The other day, I texted Old Man Body, "Did I just change the game forever by coming up with the idea to carry a matchbook everywhere I go in case I find myself at some smokeshow's place?" Can't really find a flaw in this logic.
But, on the other side of the spectrum, girls don't poop so I'm not really sure why you're worried?
20. “I want a routine. I think I need a routine.”
This is the kind of thing my ex-girlfriend would say, only for me to obliviously respond, "Yeah, you totally should!" before going back to watching The Golf Channel. 90% of the conversations I have in life are just chock full of canned responses that serve as a vehicle for getting the conversation over with.
21. “At what point is one considered emotionally unstable? Like, be specific.”
At the exact moment you asked this question.
22. *To your best friend* “Everybody’s stupid except for us.”
23. *To yourself* “Everybody’s a mess except for me.”
24. *To your parents* “Everybody’s a mess except for me.”
You're catching onto this "Fake it 'til you make it" thing, Kate. Proud of you.
25. “I would go after what I want, I just don’t know what I want, but like if I did, I would be going for it. So.”
I did my "When I Grow Up" speech on being a Disney Imagineer, and mentally, nothing has changed for me. I'm just way too stupid to do anything that remotely involves numbers. The biggest hump you have to get over in life is realizing you have to settle which is why I swipe right on everyone and then sift through it later.
26. “So my closet currently consists of something to wear to an interview, a funeral, out for drinks, out for brunch, chic plane travel, messy but cute train travel, cute sweats so somebody can see me looking effortlessly gorgeous while we’re cuddling… basically I just buy things for hypothetical situations I make up in my head and call it having my life together. Try me.”
I was at a job interview and they asked, "How do you organize your closet?" I responded, "Uhhhhh, I have some seersucker stuff that I wore to the Kentucky Derby next to some blazers next to some ties next to my hockey jerseys."
One of the dudes nodded approvingly but I don't think anyone else was that impressed considering I didn't get the job.
27. “I’d be an amazing mom.”
Let me refer you to the times where you said the following:
"What exactly constitutes alcoholism? Like, be specific.”
“I got my period, THANK GOD.”
“At what point is one considered emotionally unstable? Like, be specific.”
Such "mom" material. Honestly, you should adopt, like, right now.
28. “I really don’t want to give birth tho. No part of that process sounds appealing.”
Still not really sure how it all works and I'm definitely not going to be the dude rocking a GoPro for his wife's labor. The other day, I asked someone how baby's breath in the womb. Everyone looked at me like I was the main character in Jungle 2 Jungle.
29. “I’m really glad I’m not a celebrity because my ‘running errands’ look is not okay.”
Newsflash: You have a better chance of meeting your husband at Whole Foods than you do at a bar where you're dressed to the nines. Dudes at grocery stores are in a sober, responsible mindset while dudes at bars are looking for stray gazelle's at last call (what up, Old Man Body?).
30. “I’m still going to walk around to music pretending I am one though.”
When I listen to Taylor Swift's "Style" (which is a LOT), I imagine she's singing about her and I. No shame in that game.
31. “If I’m going to drop it all and become a model/movie star, now is the time. I should just do it. I don’t want to stand on line at casting calls though. Nevermind.”
32. “My ex getting married before me is going to induce a quarter life crisis/my personal demise.”
A rundown of my high school ex-girlfriend's marital situations:
High School Girlfriend 1: Married, I went to the wedding and crushed it.
High School Girlfriend 2: Married, I got invited to the wedding the night before when I saw her at a bar. She said, "I would have invited you earlier but you've been such an asshole lately." I skipped the wedding.
High School Girlfriend 3: Married with a child; not entirely sure she remembers that we dated.
Do I feel a little behind considering my most recent exploits have been with college chicks? Yeah, yeah I do.
33. “I’m still going to stalk the pictures though. Never too old for that shit.”
One of my buddies once said, "If you give me someone's name and 10 minutes, I'll know their life story." In the age we live in, if you're not stalking hard on everyone you know, you're just flat-out irre-fucking-sponsible.