Ohhhh, Chelsea Chelsea Chelsea. We meet again. You know, I actually felt kind of bad about the last time. And then you go do something like this.
Sometimes I feel like Thought Catalog is just trolling me. Like they post absurd, over-the-top, girl-y lists that they just WANT me to have my way with. Just today they've posted the following columns: How To Destroy Yourself And Break A Heart In 13 Easy Steps, Why Men Treat You Like Crap, and I Hate When Boyfriends Shop With Their Girlfriends. It's the only site on the internet that just completely shames the male species for absolutely no reason. It's not like I'm posting columns called 15 Ways My Girlfriend Is A Bitch On Her Period or How I Got My Girlfriend To Dump Me So I Wouldn't Have To Carry The Guilt.
Chelsea's column, 21 Uncommon Romantic Gestures That Would Make Any Girl Melt, just gives men zero credit. While the title is unassuming and pretty vanilla, it's actually kind of insulting. It's like we're just mindlessly walking the earth pounding our chests only thinking about ourselves. We're not so bad, Chelsea.
As always, original text in italics.
1. Play with her hair while the two of you are watching TV. It doesn’t have to be complex, just a little light head touching/hair-messing-with will put her into a near-meditative state.
Here's a list of responses that I see occurring if I tried this:
"Are you really touching my hair right now?"
"I just got my hair done last week and your greasy fingers are ruining it."
"Can you not?"
"Honestly, I'm feeling fat today. Just don't touch me."
2. Get your dessert to-go at the restaurant so the two of you can eat it at home while watching a movie/your favorite TV show.
Right now, you're envisioning us sitting around eating banana splits while I caress your scalp. This seems like a New Girl Fat Schmidt fantasy.
3. Instead of just asking her where she wants to go for dinner — because you know that she loves when you put in the effort to choose, but is really picky when it comes to what she wants — give her three options that you want to go to (including one or two you haven’t tried before, if possible). It’s the best of both worlds.
Chelsea, as far as I'm concerned, she can go wherever the fuck she wants. I'm not one to tell her that we're going to one place or give her a shortlist like she's up for an NBA MVP award. My M.O. in life is to just do anything and everything to stay in my girlfriend's good graces so when I want to watch the Lions without being disturbed, I can. Vegan Ethopian Hydroponic Asian Fusion restaurant? Sure, whatever keeps ya happy.
4. If you spend the night at her place (or even if you share the place) make the bed while she’s in the shower or getting ready.
Well, yeah, Chelsea. I'm not some slob that lives in a fucking commune. I leave no carbon footprint because I'm not a sloppy asshole.
5. When she’s on her way home from a big day at work, text her to be like “I’m ordering takeout from [insert her favorite place here] and opening a bottle of wine. What would you like?”
Chelsea, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask -- what kind of bums are you slumming around with that they don't constantly take your opinion into consideration when making food decisions? Like, isn't this Day 1 Good Boyfriend stuff?
6. If she’s wearing really nice heels for a night out, offer to grab a taxi as you’re about to head home so she doesn’t have to navigate the treacherous stairs of the metro after a long night.
I've told this story before and I'll tell it again: On a first date with a girl that I dated for two years, she fell flat on her face after getting her heel caught in a grate. The date ended with me holding a fucking napkin to her fat lip and scuffed chin. The second I see a pair of fucking kitten heels, I'm pretty much ordering an Uber Helicopter to ensure all goes smoothly.
7. Offer to help her with one thing on her weekend to-do list if you notice she’s overwhelmed. Even just running to the grocery store to grab some basics can be an enormous help.
What are basics? Are we talking salt and pepper or are we talking 'pons?
8. Before a trip somewhere (or just for no reason), get her a little nightgown or pajamas that are both comfortable and cute. We can always use more cute/functional sleepwear, and it’s something we rarely take the time to buy for ourselves.
This is what my hockey jerseys and old button-downs are for.
9. Cup her face gently when you kiss her, especially if it’s a totally everyday, run-of-the-mill-love-ya kiss.
Don't tell me how to kiss. I've got the lips of a prince and the technique of the dude getting his lip bitten in Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" video.
10. Bring her things she loves, but which are not ‘quintessentially romantic.’ A bag of Cheetos, a nice shade of nail polish you liked at the drug store, or a weird t-shirt can mean much more than roses.
Cheetos? Nail polish? Weird t-shirts? I'm not trying to date a fucking pre-teen that shops at Delias, Chelsea.
Everyone knows that non-cheesy romantic things always get you laid, but I think it's a stretch to assume that I'm going to get my rocks off over a bag of fuckin' Cheetos. Sometimes you just gotta go for subtle-y romantic. Flowers? Yeah. Dinners? Yup. A nice email during the day? That works. A surprise post-work appetizer spread with Seal blasting? All. Damn. Day.
11. Cuddle her unexpectedly while in public. Like, put your arm around her in an affectionate (without being over-the-top) way, and let her sort of melt into you.
Yeahhh, because everyone LOVES when couples partake in PDA. No one ever talks badly about that or rants about how it makes them super uncomfortable. Shit, while I'm at it, I'll ask everyone around us about their salaries too.
12. Get the ingredients to make her favorite cocktail and have them waiting for her when she gets home.
If dumping sauvy-b into a glugger glass is some grand romantic gesture, then I've been puttin' out the vibe to every girl I've ever had a drink with.
13. One day, for no reason at all, call in sick and have her call in sick so that the two of you can spend the day together watching movies, ordering in food, and hanging out.
Everyone knows you go to work when you're sick and you use your sick days for golf outings, not for ordering takeout and binge watching Hunger Games.
If I'm going to call in sick to be with my girlfriend, I'm not going to fart around her apartment all day. I'm goin' to the zoo or a baseball game or a museum or literally anything that isn't sitting on my ass all day eating food.
14. Compile a small list of fun things going on in your city that weekend, and send them to her work email on Friday morning to choose from.
If this makes a girl's heart melt, then my friends must think I'm going gay for them. Pretty much every conversation that I have from Thursday on starts with me saying, "You know what we should do this weekend?" Variety, Chelsea. It's the spice of life.
15. Urge her to get the delicious-looking cheese-based dish instead of the salad, because you know she’ll just eat yours if you don’t.
Yeahhhh, no. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, Chels. A moment at the lips, forever at the hips. If she wants the six cheese macaroni, by all means, she can have it. But if you think I'm going to outwardly promote a 4,000 calorie binge just to look like a good boyfriend then you're bananas.
16. Be protective over something small (cute protective, not controlling protective). Like if she’s about to go out and the forecast says it miiiiight rain, insist that she takes her umbrella as she’s walking out of the house.
Nah, I'll just intentionally omit an umbrella suggestion and then text my friends after, "Yo, just totally schooled my girlfriend by not suggesting an umbrella. What a wet fuckin' LOSER."
17. Pack her a lunch for work one day and write her name on the bag in Sharpie. (Alternatively, put a little note on a napkin and put it in the bag.)
"Did you seriously pack me a bologna fucking sandwich with a napkin I can't even use because you wrote all over it with a ballpoint pen? You're so weird." - Every girl that's ever been put in this situation. I mean, I guess this is like when I was six used to give my parents "breakfast in bed" which consisted of ice cream and chocolate milk. Yeah, they appreciated the effort, but they really didn't want it. Hard pass on this one.
18. Attempt to help her with her makeup/beauty routine, even if you’re terrible at it. (In fact, especially if you’re terrible at it — think Justin Timberlake painting his girlfriend’s toes in the “Gone” video.) Alternative: let her test out something on you on a boring Friday night at home.
1. What girls POSSIBLY wants help from her boyfriend with her makeup? Where does she stand to benefit from this? 2. I don't have boring Friday nights at home. 3. If I wouldn't let my mom do my laundry at the age of 12, there's no way in hell I'm letting a girl put makeup on me. Only dudes allowed to wear makeup are Robert Smith and The Joker.
And just a side note: if you're going to write a list of things geared towards guys, you miiiiiight wanna stray away from referencing Justin Timberlake videos.
19. Convince her that you totally forgot to plan something for her birthday/your anniversary/something special, and then at the last minute be like “Sike get ready, we have reservations at 8:30,” and take her to something extra special.
Death wish, much, Chelsea? I'm not going to break my girlfriend down just to build her up again. Have you ever tried digging yourself out of a hole when you've pissed off a significant other, especially on a birthday or anniversary? Damn near IMPOSSIBLE. The last thing I'm going to do is intentionally put myself in the doghouse from the jump. I'm not Ashton fucking Kutcher. I'm not hot on Punk'ing people.
20. Rub her back for no reason.
Bruh, if I'm getting handsy, I'm getting handsyyy. There's always a reason.
21. Start watching a show with her and be religious about only watching it when the two of you can watch it together. Waiting on an episode of Game of Thrones so you can enjoy it together is the ultimate sign of love and commitment.
What world are you living in, Chelsea? If watching Game of Thrones together is the "ultimate sign of love and commitment", then what the FUCK is a rock on her finger?
Do yourself a favor and aim higher, Chelsea. You'll thank me later.