Retroactive Roundtable: Cuffing Season

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By Old Man Body & Shmorey Shmallen

Cuffing Season: During the Fall and Winter months, people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Old Man Body: To start this, I think Cuffing Season is something like Valentine's Day: completely fabricated by Corporate America to get dudes to wife it up during the most present heavy portion of the year. Sure, some of it's probably natural human physiology (I think that's the right word, I'm just a sales guy though) but I just don't think it's the right time of year to get locked down.

Schmorey Schmallen: I think it's less a product of what Corporate America tells us, and is really just a product of the basic white girls buying into the fact that they need to wear flannels with vests with their "bae", Instagram apple picking adventures, and drink pumpkin beers with. It also coincides with the time of year where it starts to get darker earlier, colder (especially in the Northeast), and weekends slow down compared to the free-for-all that is summer. A lot of "cuffing season" is a product of convenience, and girls wanting to lock you in for the fall and winter months.

Girls see you with a hot little number all summer and they’re like, ‘damn, this dude has it together.’

Old Man Body: I understand where you're going with it, but that means you're letting the ladies call the shots. I'm okay with that sometimes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let a girl force me into a relationship because it's pumpkin spice latte time. Because I don't have statistics available to me, I'm going to make a number up: 50%. That 50% is the number of basic white girls that don't have a boyfriend during cuffing season. As fall fades into winter, these girls are getting THIRSTY. Jealousy ends up rearing it's ugly head, and you're there in a Fratagonia vest, thermal and cords to capitalize. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. 

And fall, to me, is my happy place: you have endless amounts of football on, and it's hunting season. I've spent two or three falls with girlfriends nagging my fucking ass because I'm spending too much time in the woods or getting blotto at tailgates. When I'm hunting, don't bother me, I probably don't have reception where I'm at. If I'm tailgating or having a day watching games at the bar, I'm force feeding alcohol into my face and I don't need a girl telling me I'm being a shitty boyfriend every weekend because I got drunk and left my wallet and phone at the bar for the third straight weekend. This will probably change once I'm 30 and my parents keep nagging me about why everyone else is married with kids and I'm still acting like a man child, but right now, I'm yelling at the teevee because Florida is down to a mediocre Georgia Southern team. And I don't even bet (for my own good). One last point: because my alma mater plays in the Big 10 West, it's always a noon kickoff and I can't watch that garbage sober.

Schmorey Schmallen: I understand not wanting to let the broads call the shots, and this is where the convenience part factors in. A few weekends after Labor Day, you are more often than not going to be completely burnt. Both literally from sunburn and figuratively from that three month binge that just took place. You spent the months of June, July, and August frequenting outdoor bars, going to the beach without sunscreen, and aggressively drinking for afternoon baseball games in the bleachers. By the time Labor Day approaches, you're basically limping to the finish line. It's at this time that most men feel the need to get their shit together. Settling down doesn't sound so bad when you've got the cold sweats on a Monday at the office because you took the late train home from the Boardy Barn (sup, Hampton Bays?) for the 4th Sunday in a row. 

I definitely agree with the 50% of broads that are left on the outside looking in are going to be in desperation mode. They've just sat through three months of passing couples leaving brunch, having their Instagram feed filled with presents their friends got from their boyfriends, and having no one to go apple picking with. They're going to start throwing up Hail Mary's once it hits the New Year. So that is 100% a benefit of avoiding the stereotypical cuffing season. But if you're looking for some long-term stability, which some people might, these girls will NOT provide that. They are single for a reason. Huge red flag, in terms of them being a long term option. They're most likely the type that wear furry boots to an EDM festival and end up getting fingered and doing Molly in a port-a-potty with a guy named Sal. However, if you're looking for a few months of praying upon insecurities then you've hit the jackpot. 

Old Man Body: So maybe this is the alcoholic in me, but I don't really get burned out on summer. I think I honestly drink more during fall/winter because it's too cold to go running and there's nothing else to do. Plus football on like every night of the week, holiday parties, family events, just a metric fuck ton of excuses to drink. Not that I'm not doing that during the summer, but at least summer I'll go for a run a couple times a week to keep everything in check. 

Think about Christmas and New Year's Eve. That's like $500-$1k you're going to spend on a girl just to date her for 6 months and dump her once it's nice out again. I'd rather spend that money foolishly on myself on bourbon, trips, and bar tabs.

And I would argue summer is a better time to have a girlfriend. Summer girlfriend is such a great move because you're always out and being seen. Girls see you with a hot little number all summer and they're like, "damn, this dude has it together." Tees you up perfectly for the cold months. Remember, I have an ego that needs to be stroked regularly. And besides, if there's a cool chick you're seeing all summer and you blow her off a few times, there's a 100 thirsty dudes ready to jump in and take your place. I'm not big into the "sharing is caring" thing so this is a no-go for me. During fall/winter, you can blow a chick off every now and again because some other little minx caught your eye and she's way more fun to go apple picking with. What is she going to do, go get another dude? HA! The rest of you suckers are locked down.

What I'm trying to say is that I like to zig when everyone else zags. I have to live my seasons like I'm in the Southern Hemisphere because let's face it, I'll take any advantage I can get. I don't have a six pack, I'm not jacked and I'm not a trust fund baby. I have to rely on my wicked personality and a thick head of hair. You gotta think outside the box. And I don't say any of this to sound like a hardo, because it's foolish to drag your dick through everything in sight, that's just asking for problems. I try to only put out good vibes. I don't really have an objection to having a girlfriend anytime of the year either, but I'm firmly set that cuffing season is some baby back bullshit.