By Resting Bitch Face

You either have it or know someone that does — the RBF. If you aren't familiar, I'm talking about the Resting Bitch Face (or the lesser known Bitchy Resting Face). For the men out there, you could be wifed up / dating / banging out someone who looks perpetually unhappy. Me? I popped out of the womb frowning. I guess you could say I was luckier than my twin sister who had a lazy eye. But her ailment was surgically fixed and I am reasonably sure any attempt I could make at RBF repair would probably leave me looking like The Joker. While The Resting Bitch Face does have some pros, you need to know what not to do around them in order to truly appreciate it. I am here to help you learn how to embrace the ever-present RBF your lady rocks 24/7.


I realize certain females wish for you to read their minds and magically know when they are angry. Usually though, there is a dramatic shift in mood/conversation/body language when a lady gets PISSED (see: rolling over to opposite side of bed). If you don't see any signs and you don't believe you actually did anything wrong, trust yourself. Nothing is more annoying than a guy repeatedly asking "what's wrong?" just because your face is resembling Jack White at the Cubs game. I can assure you that something will soon be very wrong if you keep asking me that question.  The longer you date, the easier it will be come to realize that her face just looks like that.


I have had multiple men (mostly older) on the street approach me and exclaim "you are too pretty to frown."  I know you might think this flattery, but backhanded compliments never work and don't count.... If you want to say something nice, don't begin or end with something negative (I threw that in there for free guys, you're welcome). Also, I realize we live in America and free speech is our constitutional right, but I am pretttttty sure that doesn't give you the right to be a total perv.  If you want to compliment me, learn from my homeless man in The Loop who just yells "You are BEAUTIFUL." Simple, effective, and I might throw you a fiver for your efforts. if you insist on dictating my facial expressions and telling me to "smile, sweetheart" then you're going to get a lot more than a scowl, you depraved geezer.


One of my old coworkers approached me with some so-called "constructive criticism." What did they tell me? That I could be more "approachable." 99.9% of the time I have ZERO clue what my face looks like. It's called RESTING Bitch Face for a reason. You're unknowingly frowning when your face is relaxed. I can be straight up SCARY when I concentrate, but I guess it's better than looking stupid or constipated. The sooner you accept that I'm not angry, the more productive our relationship will be.

Side note: An added benefit to your girlfriend having RBF is that she's less likely to get hit on at the bar. But a disclaimer if you're single, some females are just truly bitches so don't take that as a hall pass and blame me if you get shut down at the bar.