What I'm Going To Do With My Princess Diana Beanie Baby Money
This past fall, it came to my attention that the free market is commanding high prices for original Princess Diana Beanie Babies. And by "high prices," I mean like six figures.
Back in 1997, my entrepreneurial father purchased around five Princess Diana original Beanie Babies as an investment. As a ten year old little dude, my eyes looked like cash registers when I saw these things. I wasn't allowed to even look at them, so much as touch them.
Fast forward 18 years to 2015 and boom, lets cash in on these fuckers. On an especially Scary fall Sunday night some time between the 4pm NFL games and Sunday Night Football, I was scheming on eBay and saw prices soaring between $150,000 and $500,000 per Beanie Baby. At this point, I had visions of grandeur and the DuckTales Money Bin. In my own mind, I had pretty much already spent the money hanging out with Scott Disick in Monaco on holiday.
We were sitting around the dinner table at our weekly family dinner and I said, "Hey dad, where are those Princess Diana Beanie Babies?"
"Huh, I'm not sure actually," he said. "I haven't seen them in a really long time. I'll look around for them this week."
The week passes. No Princess Diana Beanie Babies.
A month passes. Still no sign of any Princess Diana Beanie Babies.
January 2015 hits. Nothing.
And then it happened. Today, Friday, the 13th of March. I'm rummaging through my closet looking for a backwards hat I could toss on for my stationary bike workout (what up, Wedding Season Diet?). Then, like a beacon of light, like the "X" on a pirate's treasure map, like Douchebag Pete barhopping on St. Patrick's Day Weekend... I found the Promise Land.
Now let's be clear about something: was it a blessing in disguise that I didn't find this puppy mid-#BenderThroughDecember? Yeah, probably. All the girls that were after me would have stayed hot on my trail for all the cash I was bleeding. God knew I wouldn't be responsible with this money at such a fragile time in my life. Winter time? I'm bored. I'd spend that money on bullshit out of pure boredom.
But March. The month that gives you a glimpse of great weather before White Pants Season is in full-swing. It's the perfect buffer between winter's end and all the fruits of spring.
"Alright, Scaries. Get to it. We need to know what you're going to do with this money." Okay, okay. Because I only found one Princess Diana Beanie Baby and not the five that were purchased, we have to be relatively modest. While the top price I've seen for one of these bad boys is $500,000, I'm going to set my budget at $650,000 because I'm a salesman with mysterious ways.
Hey Douchebag Pete and Tube Socks, let's do this.
March 15, 2015: 2015 Formula 1 Rolex Australian Grand Prix
"Scaries, how are you going to turn this Beanie Baby into cash by this Sunday?" It's called a "credit card," stupid. Every Rich Hot Bro knows that F1 is the sneakiest Rich Hot Bro sport in the world. Fast cars, hot WAGs, banger locations. And the season starting in Australia? Game, set, match. Australian girls are the perfect combination of party girl and take-home-to-mom. The accents, the short shorts, the Aussie attitude. Everything.
Estimated Cost: $80,000+
April 9-12, 2015: The Masters
This is a given. If I even have to explain this to you, leave Sunday Scaries and never come back. I'm going to drink so many $2-3 beers and eat even more $1.50 Pimento Cheese Sandwiches. Accommodations? I may stay in the fuckin' Butler Cabin for all I know. There's no limit on my AmEx so at this point it's just a matter of whether or not Billy Payne takes AmEx or not.
Estimated Cost: $50,000+
May 1-2, 2015: The Kentucky Oaks; The Kentucky Derby
Tube Socks, DBP, and I will be the guys in limited edition Persols sitting somewhere between Kid Rock and Tom Brady along Millionaire's Row. $1,000 Mint Juleps? Yeah, we'll take 100. Longshot bets on white horses? Uh, yeah, I think we can afford a few of those. Tan southern belles decked out in Lilly Pulitzer and monstrous hats? "Right this way, ladies. This is my friend, Pete."
Note: Tube Socks works in finance so I can only assume he will have at least quadrupled my money by then.
Estimated Cost: $200,000+
June 6-July 3, 2015: Wedding Season
Even though my pockets are swollen with thousands of $2 bills (because ballers carry $2 bills), I refuse to forget the people that got me where I am today: my friends and family. The Wedding Season Diet will be remedied because rather than sitting at my desk getting fat, I'll be gallivanting across the globe with lady singers and a personal chef.
Estimated Cost: You can't put a price on memories.
July 4-5, 2015: Independence Day
If you're looking for me, I'll be chilling with twelve of my closest friends in Tube Socks's parent's back yard playing beer-in-hand football. It's a No-New-Friends kind of thing, you understand.
Estimated Cost: Who cares.
July 6-August 29, 2015: Yacht Week (Greece)
No more Kickstarters to send Sunday Scaries and his friends to Yacht Week anymore. My friends and I are going to look like the cast of The Talented Mr. Ripley, except more tan.
Estimated Cost: $300,000+
Think you can hang and #RideTheWave with DBP, Tube Socks, and I? Drop me a line and we'll consider adding you to the guest list.