5 types of people who are awful.
- People that run on Saturdays in public. When you run by me on a Saturday while I have my buzz on, this is what my brain does. Don't jog by my Michigan/Notre Dame tailgate while we're listening to Bruce Springsteen and savaging beers. It's uppity and unbecoming. Either join the rest of us for some good clean American fun or take that shit to a treadmill.
- People who talk about their dreams. I'm so conceited that I don't really even like listening to people's real-life experiences, so listening to how "craaaaazy" your dream was last night just isn't for me. If I wanted fantasy in my life, I'd watch Game of Thrones. But I'm cool on that shit. Even Rust Cohle's visions got to be a little stale to me after a few episodes. Unless I was in your dream and you're verbally subtweeting me that we boned, take story time elsewhere.
- People that say, "I'm not hungover, I'm just tired." Yeah, and when I saw you drink that entire bottle of wine last night, you probably only had a glass and a half, right? You're not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes with your holier-than-thou shtick. Oh, you didn't sleep well last night so you're grumpy and anxious? Same with Nick Carraway in The Great Gatsby and he turned into an alcoholic. You drank too much and we both know it so let's just end this charade.
- People that wear dirty workout clothes to brunch. You know what cancels out your workout? That crabcake eggs benedict and bottomless mimosa you're drinking. That mile run you just had is null and void, bro, so toss those Lululemons in the hamper and come back wearing some normal clothes so I don't have to judge you. We see right through you and the vibe you're trying to put out. But do I often wear pseudo-athletic clothes on Sundays to get my head in the right place as if I did something minorly active that day? Of course.
- People that comment on what you're eating. What? You think I feel good about eating this fuckin' cheeseburger? You're probably one of those people that eats quinoa all week to be healthy and then devastates your body with booze and cigarettes all weekend in some time-is-flat-True-Detective-endless-circle of bodily harm. Meanwhile, I'm over here being quasi-skinny fat with my consistently mediocre diet. Different strokes for different folks.