The Definitive List of People You Can’t Trust

By Old Man Body

I’m generally a trustworthy guy. I’ll give most folks the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, but there’s certain types of people that put me on high alert immediately. It’s not that I don’t like these types of people, I just don’t trust them to have my back 24/7, and I get into situations that require that from time to time. I also need to know that you’re capable of semi-regularly making rational decisions. In no particular order (except Eastern Europeans, they’re always #1):

Eastern Europeans

Not being able to trust Eastern Europeans is a healthy fear I’ve always had and the Taken series has only made it worse. For the most part, they don’t associate with other groups. Ever try to hit on a Serbian chick? Bet she didn’t give your WASP-y ass the time of day. You’re just lucky somebody in an Adidas tracksuit didn’t come whip your legs. They always flaunt money but their occupations are consistently vague. They own a few hotels, or better yet, they’re “contractors.”

One time, my friends and I were out with our Bosnian acquaintance, “Joe Bosnia”, and somebody absconded with my coat. Within 5 minutes, JB got the guys name off his credit card receipt at the bar, found him on Facebook, sent a few texts and said I’d have my coat back tomorrow. Luckily, it was just an honest mistake and the guy returned my coat a half hour later, but he had no idea how close he was to a black Benz rolling up to his place to give him the baseball bat treatment. Roll with Eastern Europeans long enough and you’re bound to be sold into sexual slavery or wake up in a bathtub with your kidneys missing.

People That Enjoy Tequila

Listen, I like getting wrecked as much as the next guy. I’ll slam Wild Turkey all night, instigate fights, torpedo any chances I have of getting laid and wake up to a half-dozen “R u alive?” texts. But people that enjoy drinking tequila are complete savages. It tastes so shitty that you have to have salt and limes just to stomach it. After a night of ripping shots of Cuervo, you have to brush your teeth and scrub your tongue because it feels like you licked a homeless guy’s asshole the night before. I’ve seen it turn otherwise normal people into total raving lunatics who punch holes in the walls of a complete stranger’s apartment and scream obscenities at horse-mounted police. I’ll drink with anyone, any time, but if you pull out the Cuervo, call me tomorrow. I have enough problems and don’t need to be an accomplice to the list of felonies you’re about to commit.

People That Think Cats Are Better Than Dogs

This shouldn’t even need to be explained but apparently people still don’t get it. Cats suck. When my dog wakes up in the morning, he immediately opens my bedroom door, jumps into my bed and licks my face like he hasn’t seen me in YEARS. (Yeah, my dog opens fucking doors, report immediately to Jelly School.) What does a cat do in the morning? I honestly couldn’t tell you. It’s probably in your living room pissing behind your couch.

Once, I dated a girl with a cat and the thing LOVED to knock glasses of water over. It even knocked one over on her laptop. Just wrecked a new Macbook. And do you think that cat felt the least bit bad? Nah. The smug asshole just carried on like nothing had happened because cats are terrible. Dogs know when they mess up and they own that shit.

Lastly, when has a cat ever gotten somebody laid? NEVER. One of my favorite things to do is to show a cute babe pictures of my dog and just watch her heart melt instantly. I can throw the hound on a leash, go for a run and come home with more numbers than I know what to do with. (Actually, I lied about that, my dog has never gotten me laid but I could see how that could happen, so it’s true.) If you have both dogs and cats, I guess that’s okay as long as you can admit dogs that are clearly better.

People Who Don’t Drink

I went on a brunch date a couple of weeks ago with a pretty cool girl. She was way smarter than me, dug my sense of humor and was pretty cute to boot. The waitress came over to take our order and I naturally ordered two bromosas to help fight off the shakes. The girl quickly corrected me to say that she would be having water and explained that she didn’t drink because of an allergy (I’m still skeptical.) I still sat through the date and paid because I’m not a total asshole, but you can bet your bottom dollar I deleted her number as soon as I walked her to her car.

Why can’t you trust a non-drinker? If you’re out on an average Friday night, you’ll do something dumb and they’ll clearly be able to hold that shit over you. You’ll get the “Do you have to drink for every football game?” Next thing you know, your balls are in a jar, you own multiple cats and your bros forget that you actually exist. Just because you trusted a non-drinker.

There’s a another facet of non-drinkers you can’t trust, and that’s the ones that HAD to quit drinking because they’re violent or it led to other frowned up behavior (shooting black tar heroin with dirty needles). When I’m out with folks like that, I’m just waiting for them to slip up once and go HAM on Jim Beam, leading to them knocking everyone out or passing out in a Wal-Mart from huffing keyboard duster. Believe me, I respect people that have to quit and have done so successfully, but do not count on me to be around when you fall off the wagon at happy hour.

Who don’t you trust?