OMB’s Last Minute Tips For A Killer Super Bowl Party
By Old Man Body
It’s that time of year we’ve all been looking forward to: Super Bowl weekend. I wasn’t sure I was that fired up after walking into a business meeting the other Sunday with the Packers up 19-7 with 7 left to play and coming out feeling absolutely gutted after seeing the score updates. Whether your team is in the game or not, there’s no excuse not to throw a killer party on Sunday. Keep in mind we don’t get football again until September; party your balls off accordingly.
Super Bowl weekend is really the last major event of #BulkingSeason until March Madness, so bulk up we will. If any girl you invite even thinks about bringing some healthy bullshit hummus and pita bread based item, you need to declare Taffer Time and shut it the fuck down. Go all out on food. I’m talking enough pizza ordered in to feed a village of starving Ethiopians. If you can make great wings, hit the grocery store buy a couple bags of wings so big they could’ve come from a fucking turkey.
Side note: if you know a girl that can make great wings, wife her because it’s a hugely underrated skill. Just make sure every girl isn’t bringing their own variation of buffalo chicken dip and you’re good here.
Don’t have enough food at your party and people get hungry, girls think you can’t provide and guys think you’re a total asshole. Have too much food? Big fucking deal, you’re going to be eating cold wings at work Monday morning while you fight through your hangover, and that’s better than throwing up in the handicapped stall.
This isn't New Year’s Eve, don’t over think this one. I’m a man of simple tastes and my Super Bowl Sunday is no different. Depending on group size, get half dozen bottles of wine for the lady folk and a several cases of Miller Lite. I guess you can do your craft beer deal but there’s nothing I hate more than walking into a party and every dude brought his own 6 pack of craft beer. The. Fucking. Worst. Does Lagunitas have their own ads on at the Super Bowl? Didn’t think so.
You’re also going to want a few bottles of hard alcohol because if you’re like me, you want to get messy. Everyone’s hungover at work the next day so who cares, right? My favorite Super Bowl party was the year the Steelers played the Cardinals when I was in undergrad. My Yinzer friend got so trashed doing shots of Everclear to celebrate Pittsburgh kicking ass that he threw up all over his kitchen and didn’t even remember the game. I’d recommend a handle of Fireball for whatever shot based drinking game y’all will be playing.
This has a lot of variations so I won’t go into detail but every red-blooded male gathering together to watch the big game better be laying some cash on this with the group. Making a board where everyone picks a potential score is a great way to get everyone involved but you have the keep the stakes low enough to the point that you’re just tossing in ash tray money and that personally doesn’t get my blood pressure up enough to justify.
There’s a million prop bets that revolve around drinking on the internet so I won’t tell you which one to pick. Getting one involving commercials and the game is a good way to keep everyone involved and will get the people that don’t know anything about football drunk enough they’ll stop asking what the 3-4 defense is and why that catch didn’t count.
Yeah yeah, I know, not everyone dips a can of Skoal Wintergreen day. For Sunday, I’ll be dipping two cans and preparing accordingly. For the people that respect their gum line, snag a bunch of nice cigars. It’s a great pregame activity with all the bros around the grill or out on the porch while the women prepare the food. Definitely have an emergency pack of cigarettes on hand because if your team is in the game or you have a hefty wad of cash on it, you’re going to be going butt to butt like Rust fuckin’ Cohle. There’s folks in the group that object to all forms of nicotine uptake? Fuck them, stop being friends with them, they’re basic and you don’t need that in your life. We’re all getting cancer anyway, might as well get it from something that makes us feel good.
Hangover Prevention Measures
Everyone is getting shitty on Sunday which will lead to everyone being hungover at work Monday. That being said, you don’t want to be the biggest piece of shit in your office Monday morning, especially if you told a coworker what you really thought of him in your Sunday night blackout (raises hand.) Plan ahead by following OMB’s simple tips to killing your hangover. Step one: leave two bottles of water and a banana on your nightstand ahead of time. Drink one before you pass out and crush the other first thing when you rise from the dead, along with the banana. Also eat whatever leftovers you have. Step Two: leave a packet of Emergen-C in your desk. Mix with water and suck it down before your first team meeting. Step Three: if this doesn’t work, just drink a shit load of coffee and water and crawl under your desk and cry.