Old Man Body's New Year's Resolutions


By Old Man Body

Ah, that time of year where we all make bullshit resolutions that we end up forgetting by the end of January. Guys are going to hit the gym and get SHREDDED; girls are going to stop putting out on the first date. It’s as old as the sands of time. In the spirit of the season, here are some of my New Year’s Resolutions for the year.

Drink More Vodka

I’ve been on a real bourbon bender since I’ve moved south. I love nothing more than to pour that delicious brown liquor over a glass of ice until I’m waking up the next day at 11am fully clothed on top of my covers, boots still on. I started drinking a little more vodka towards the end of the year and realized I really need to get back on the Clear Train. Hangovers? They’re not as bad. Keeping pace? Nothing like some voddy-sodas to slow down my consumption rate to more manageable levels. Am I going to drink more vodka in 2015? YOU BETCHA.

Explore New Bars

I’ve sort of fallen into the trap where I’m hitting the same 3 bar rotation every weekend. I’m a little tired of seeing the same faces and I’m sure the usual crowd of chicks are starting to catch on to my shtick. This really hit me the other day when I walked in the grocery store and made awkward eye contact with a girl I’ve sloppily hit on multiple times. Every single time happened in the same fucking corner of one of my usual haunts. OMB can’t be having that so it’s time to clean it up and fish some new streams.

Lock It Up

The walls of the bro pad are screaming “WHAT AN IDIOT! WHAT A LOSER!” as I type this one out, but yeah, I think it’s time for your boy to maybe settle down a little bit. I haven’t had a real live girlfriend in two or three years and I don’t need my family questioning my sexuality when I show up to another holiday next fall without a cute little number in tow. Is this a realistic resolution? Fuck no, but we both know you’re not losing that extra 15 pounds you gained worked in the cubes since college so kiss my ass. I’m a dreamer.

Smoke More Cigarettes

Is this the way to get a girlfriend? Absolutely not. But I’m not talking a half-pack habit here. I used to suck down almost a pack of Marb Lights in college a day and eventually just up and quit one day. Over New Year’s, I got drunk and HO-LEE SHIT did those Parliaments taste so good. I need to cut back on my dipping habit to keep my gum line from marching to the Equator. What better way than by starting to keep an emergency pack in my desk again? Just for, you know, emergencies.

Leave the Country

I don’t think my passport’s been stamped since college so it’s time to change that. It could be a fly fishing trip to Belize that I’ve wanted to do for a while. Maybe a little trip down to Tijuana to see a donkey show. Shit, maybe I’ll just go full hipster, quit my job and backpack across Europe for a month to get some culture, whatever that is. Leaving stateside is probably the most realistic out of any of these stupid resolutions anyway.