Old Man Body: If you follow my Twitter feed (@OldManBody) or have met me out at the bar on a weekend night, you would be SHOCKED to know that I’m Roman Catholic. I went to Catholic school K-8, so maybe it’s not a huge surprise that I act like an animal because I don’t know anyone who went to Catholic school that isn’t a total savage. That said, I haven’t been to church outside of weddings in years so I’m not exactly practicing, but for humor’s sake, this is what I’m considering giving up for Lent.
Sunday Scaries: When OMB came to me with the idea for me to put odds on what he's trying to give up for Lent, I audibly laughed in my phone's face. If you look up "Addictive Personality" on Wikipedia, I'm fairly certain there's a photo of a dude in a Dancing Bear costume pouring a tall boy of Miller Lite into his mouth. Old Man Body has such an affinity for his vices that I'm pretty sure that he never even made one attempt at keeping any of his New Year's Resolutions.
I, personally, don't give up anything for lent so this gives me something to cheer for during Lent season. I want OMB to crack under the peer pressure of everyone else around him crushing it. Therefore, if anyone's looking for me, I'll be the guy doing everything that OMB is trying to avoid. Every day is Fat Tuesday when you're living the Sunday Scaries life.
So without further ado, let's get into it.
Old Man Body: Yeah, I did just write an Ode to Nicotine. I dip a can of Skoal per day and I’m good for around a half pack of smokes every month. Can’t wait to see where the editor handicaps these odds because I’m guessing it’s somewhere like Tiger ever getting back into form or the Lions winning a Super Bowl.
Sunday Scaries: The notion that OMB can give up any type of tobacco products is preposterous. I'd bet my entire bank account that he's sitting in his apartment with a dip in as I type this. This is on par with me saying, "For lent, I'm going to give up getting the Sunday Scaries." It's a scientific impossibility that this will occur.
Official Odds: Off The Board
Going on Dates
Old Man Body: Quick update on my dating life: since the first of the year, I’ve went on 11 official dates in hopes of fulfilling my New Year’s Resolution of finding a nice girl to settle down with. Pretty good, right? WRONG. I’ve spent my ass off, wined and dined over sushi, even cooked dinner once and I’m nowhere close to having a girlfriend. Therefore, I could use the next 40 nights off to replenish the bank account and get back to living the bad boy life. Really liking this one.
Sunday Scaries: On January 7th, OMB said, "I think it’s time for your boy to maybe settle down a little bit." Almost exactly 40 days later, he's going reverse-Lent on his New Year's Resolution and banishing all dates? Weirdly makes sense. After all, if we know one thing about OMB, it's that he's an all-or-nothing dude. It's not like he's making a vow to take time off from girls or anything; he's just nixing dates. Something tells me that OMB isn't afraid to kill chivalry for a while and use his talents strictly at bars.
Odds: 2 to 1
Old Man Body: “Hey man, how old was the girl you set me up with at XYZ Bar Saturday? She seems older” was an actual text I received today. Truth is, I don’t remember being at that bar, or anything after 10PM Saturday night. Whether it’s waking up and seeing a Snap story of me riding a horse and carriage around the city and yelling at pedestrians or finding empty boxes of food I ordered the night before, the black out lifestyle is one that gets harder and harder with each passing year.
Sunday Scaries: The harsh truth about getting older is that it becomes easier and easier to black out. Whether your tolerance is down from being too far removed from college or your liver is gasping for air after years of abuse, it's a sad truth that we all need to realize. In order for OMB to stop blacking out, it's going to require great responsibility and discipline. Is someone that lost their iPhone in an Uber (that wasn't actually an Uber) last weekend capable of harnessing this discipline? Nah.
Odds: 50 to 1
Start Working Out
Old Man Body: Part of Lent, from what I understand, can also be doing things to improve yourself as a person. When it was nicer out, I did run 3-5 days per week. I’m sitting at a pretty soft but lean 185 right now and could probably use a little exercise before we get too far into nice weather season. This would mean I’d have to go for a run instead of make a cocktail every night at 5:30PM so I’m not real keen on this one. Dipping and keeping my caloric intake around that of a starving African child seem like a better way for me to maintain my fabulous dad body.
Sunday Scaries: You don't get the name Old Man Body because you're a gym rat, and this Polar Vortex Season 2 isn't doing anyone any favors when it comes to stimulating grueling activity. Do I think OMB has the potential to run 3-5 days per week in the dog days of winter? No. Do I think he may hit up a Dick's Sporting Goods and buy a pull-up bar between now and Good Friday? Sure, why not?
Odds: 10 to 1
No Fast Food
Old Man Body: I eat Chipotle 3-5 times per week, depending on where I’m at or how lazy I’m feeling. I’m also good for a solid McDonald’s or Culver’s run once a week, maybe every two if I’m feeling like a fat kid after binge drinking and eating all weekend. This would also include when I’m drunk, so I don’t know how I would enforce that when I’m blotto. The thought of not eating Chipotle for 40 days really strikes fear in me, but would also get my sodium levels down substantially.
Sunday Scaries: Not to be on a high horse or anything, but I haven't eaten fast food in probably 4-5 months (and it's possible that guess is on the low side). Let me tell you: it's not that hard to avoid chain restaurants. Every grocery store has hot bars and healthy take out which pretty much renders fast food useless.
Besides, it's officially #NothingTastesAsGoodAsSkinnyFeelsFebruary which means the official Sunday Scaries food program consists of a diet that OMB taught me: banana for breakfast, Cliff Bar for lunch, cocktails for dinner. Whether we want to admit it or not, we have to be skinny for when spring and summer roll around which means you either have to start working out or you have to eat better. I'm taking the latter.
Odds: 5 to 1