Old Man Body's Pre-Date Grocery List: A Breakdown
Introduction by Sunday Scaries
Last night, Old Man Body tweeted a grocery list that he's created in preparation for dinner with a babe. At first glance, it was business as usual. But this grocery list had The Wet Hot American Summer Effect on me — the more I looked at it, the weirder it got.
First of all, gum balls? Like, OMB, are you working at a Family Video? Do you have an arcade room at your apartment? My friend Tube Socks has a gum ball machine in his childhood bedroom and it's had the same gum balls in it for probably 15 years. Does that stop me from eating one every time I go in there? Absolutely not. But still, gum balls?
Furthermore, Ritz Crackers are skeptical at best. Choosing the right cracker one of the top character attributes of someone with great taste. If I walk into a party and see someone serving up Triscuits, my brain just defaults to, "Oh, you probably have a Yankee Candle next to your bed too." There are so many specialty crackers out there that cost about $2 more than Triscuits. Show you care, OMB.
I'm not going to lie, the Port Wine and Cheddar Spread blew my fuckin' mind. Based on this list and my limited knowledge of Wisconsin-based cheese dips, I had no idea that this was even a thing. I thought OMB was just pairing a nice port wine with some cheddar dip. I'll stick to drinking Vernors and eating pasties over here on my side of Lake Michigan.
One of the more mind-blowing aspects of this list was his spelling of the greens. "Aspargus"? "Brocoli"? I know we live in the Spell Check Era, but come on, OMB. And abbreviating "pound" as "pd" instead of "lb"? We're trying to get this blog get to the next level. Can't just be taking days off when it comes to spelling and grammar.
What's phenomenal about OMB's booze list isn't that he's going straight up Team Red on this broad, but that he's using the Google rating system for pricing out his wine. I've never seen someone personally rate bottles of wine on the $-$$$ scale before. Remarkably calculated stuff, which doesn't surprise me in the least.
And finally, FINALLY, we get to confront the "7-Up Diet Cherry" aspect. My mind defaulted to OMB just sitting in his office chair, blogging his heart out, absolutely SLUGGING BACK Diet Cherry 7-Ups. But then I realized that this shopping list was for a date. While I respect that you're buying diet pop (just indirectly showing this chick that she needs to keep it TIGHT if she wants to ride the wave), I quickly realized that I needed further explanation from Old Man Body himself.
By Old Man Body
So the other night, I had a great first date. Got drinks, the girl laughed at my jokes and I actually had a great time on a date for the first time in YEARS. Because I'm going to the West Coast for the next week or so, I didn't want to lose any momentum, so I locked myself into making dinner tonight at my place. My cooking skills are fairly average: make a mean grilled cheese, I can CRUSH any form of meat on a grill, and I can handle the basics. Do I cook often? Fuck no. I survive on Chipotle, the occasional salad, and a heavy dose of Skoal Wintergreen. It's too much work and when I get back to the bachelor pad after a long day, going crazy in the kitchen is the last thing on my mind.
Did I embellish my cooking skills? Of course I did. Am I fucked? Totally. The grouse I told her I had in the freezer? Yeah, it's a lot more shot up than I remembered and some of it's freezer burned. I'm lucky enough to have a friend that's a great cook and texted him in a drunken panic last night to help a brother out. After doing some research, I threw together that list and here's why I did it.
Gum Balls: I have an empty candy jar on my counter that I never keep full because I'm lazy. Gum balls will add some color to my fairly drab apartment and this girl will definitely go "OMG Gumballs? He's soooo ZANY and CUTE!!!" Just go with it, it makes sense in my brain.
Ritz Crackers/Port Wine & Cheddar Spread: I'm going Wisconsin style for my appetizers. If you haven't had Port Wine & Cheddar Spread on crackers, you're doing yourself a disservice. It was a staple in my household growing up.
Korbel Brandy, Diet Cherry 7-UP: Seems weird, right? Think again. Keeping with the Wisconsin theme, I'm doing Brandy Old Fashioned's, poor man style, with the cheese spread. Grab a rocks glass, fill to brim with ice. Add three shakes bitters, fill half with brandy, add cherries/orange slice, top off with the 7UP. Stir, guzzle, repeat.
Potatoes, Chopsticks: I'm doing Hasselback potatoes for a side, the chopsticks will keep me from cutting all the way through the potatoes. I've never done it but they're allegedly good and the presentation looks baller as hell.
Green (Aspargus/Brocoli): Yes, I'm aware I misspelled both words. I was writing it fast. Either way, keeping it simple with asparagus because I can roast them next to the potatoes at the same temp.
Salmon Filets (1/2 pd); assorted other options: Yes, I'm aware "pd" is not the abbreviation for "pound." Don't know why I wrote that, I take full responsibility. Grilled salmon in a soy/brown sugar marinade is going to be the main course. Apparently there's a lot of girls that don't like fish out there from what I hear. Too bad for this toots, I'm the captain of this kitchen now.
3 bottles Red Wine (1 $$$, 2 $): This is simple: one bottle of cab around $40 and two others around $15. Drink the nice bottle over dinner, CRUSH the other two while we stare deeply into each other's eyes and your boy goes next level in his flirt game (and tries not to go into palsy stage).
- Wisconsin-themed appetizers/drinks.
- Grilled salmon, Hasselback Potatoes, and asparagus for dinner.
- LOTS OF CAB SAUV.
- Maximum flirting/canoodling around the bachelor pad.
Red Wine Over Dinner on Spotify. Thank me later and wish me luck. I'll need it.