Old Man Body's Bad Bitch All-Stars
By Old Man Body
It’s that time of year where I’m on a real crunch for ideas to write about. March Madness hasn’t started yet so I’m not drinking every night. Spring isn’t quite here enough to inspire me to write about fun shit. And I’m batting 1.000 on not going on dates for Lent so my usually generous source of material is severely limited.
That said, I have to give the people what they want: OMB’s Bad Bitch All-Stars. I’ve been analyzing this list, asking my chick friends for suggestions and doing a lot of research for scientific purposes. Living the bad boy life 24/7 leads to one of those “game recognizes game” type situations. Think I could’ve done better? Yell at me on twitter dot com (@OldManBody).
My girl RiRi is the gold standard when it comes to being a bad bitch and she gets the captain's spot. The face of the franchise, so to speak. In doing some research for this post, I found out she’s only a year older than yours truly, which made me spit bourbon all over my keyboard. You mean to tell me a girl basically my age is the dick-wrecker of an entire era? Unbelievable. I can’t hear a Rihanna song from the late 2000’s without thinking back to a time when I was blacking out. “Disturbia”? Freshman year me blacking out at a social and making out with girls from my dorm floor. “We Found Love”? Blacking out in a bar when I was a junior and making out with girls that lived down the street. “Live Your Life”? Blacking out at football games after tailgating since 6am.
RiRi also isn’t just the singer of those dirty ballads you finger banged a Tri Delt on the dance floor to; the woman has a list of dudes she’s hooked up with long enough to field a couple full NFL 53 man rosters. Let’s hit the highlights: Chris Brown (who subsequently beat her senseless), LA Dodger Matt Kemp, Drake and then BACK to Chris Brown. Oh wait, there’s more? Now she’s taking down the King of the Pussy Posse himself, Leo fucking diCaprio. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if she made a sex tape and made it public herself because she’s basically done everything but at this point. The true gold standard of bad bitchery.
I’ll never forget the days of being a freshman and every single pre-bar having a “Party in the USA” sing along no fewer than 11 times before we stumbled to the bars. Mostly because it was a banger but also because we could sub in “It’s a party and DU’s gay.” My oh my have we come a long way from the Hannah-Montana-bubblegum-pop Miley. In with twerking on Robin Thicke’s dick, out with being on the Disney Channel. Showing her tits all over the place and making mine look like Pam Anderson in her prime. Miley’s just out there riding hot dogs (real and prop), doing drugs I don’t even know about, and banging the creepy old front man of the Flaming Lips. Like the girl you knew in college that went to Catholic school K-12 and then blew every guy in your pledge class, Miley started slow but she’s finishing with a bang. I can’t wait to see where she’s at in ten years.
Speaking of what happens when people go from Disney movies to Secretary General of the Bad Bitch Club at 22, my all time favorite bad girl, Lindsay Lohan. Like Teddy Roosevelt, she went from rising up and comer, full time professional to then trying to make a come back as some bullshit third party candidate making indie movies (Yeah, I know history.) In case you forgot by now, this is the girl that was snorting eight balls of Bolivian marching powder with her own mother. Chainsmoking Parliaments (be more of a cokehead, you can’t). Lohan even made a list once revealing every celebrity dude she slept with. The highlights: Heath Ledger, Colin Farrell (bro legend in his own right), James Franco, Levine, Timberlake and Valderamma, and those are a few of 36 on the leaked list. IMPRESSIVE. Lately she’s been mounting a comeback and I fully support her as long as she falls off the wagon again.
Side note: she partially made this list because in my freshman Econ 101 discussion there was a girl who looked exactly like peak bad bitch Lohan. I never made a move on her that semester but saw her at a party a year and 15 pounds later where we just happened to share a Parliament before heading back to the castle. That girl is now in med school at Northwestern so if there’s hope for her doppelganger, there’s hope for Lindsay Lohan yet.
Before you go, “Yo OMB, put the Wild Turkey down,” hear me out. Sometimes the best camouflage is just hiding in plain sight. For those of you that have seen Dexter, think Trinity Killer. The guy was dropping bodies for 30 years without anyone ever guessing because he was volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and had the perfect family. Jennifer Lawrence uses the powers of female witchcraft to accomplish the same thing. She goes out and stars in a movie series that every girl from 15-30 has read the book for. From there, she goes on late night television and crushes interview after interview. Maybe she trips a time or two on the red carpet or shows up a little wasted because “LOL, she had a few glasses of wine before the ceremony!” Every single girl in America thinks they would be BFF’s with J-Law (or Anna Kendrick). Guess what, toots? Nappenin’.
Ever hear of this little thing called The Fappening? Well I’ll never forget it. I was in Chicago with all of my best friends day drinking when Twitter started lighting up about this big celebrity nude leak. Naturally, we doubled down on the booze and all huddled around every piece of technology we owned with Twitter on it and witnessed it real time. In the midst of all the high fiving and spitting Miller Lite everywhere was the crown jewel: Jennifer Lawrence nudes. They were not the garden variety hand bra nudes you get disappointed in your girlfriend of three years for sending when you’re away on business. Jennifer Lawrence is filthy and gets away with it by playing the loveable tomboy. Trust me on this: the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world J-Law isn’t a Bad Bitch All-Star. And for that, she’s makes the list.