Dear New Year's Eve: Be Better.

By Old Man Body

It’s that time of the year where I’ve been spending at least 15 minutes of every day since Thanksgiving in a group chat or Gmail string discussing what my friends and I are doing for New Year’s Eve. The older I get, the more I’ve realized New Year’s Eve is a giant pain in the ass. The bars are expensive, cabs are impossible to get, nobody can agree on one activity, and girls get unnecessarily dramatic. You spend and arm and a leg for the lowest return on your investment you’ll get on any single night out over the course of a year, just because you get to look at a new fucking calendar hung up in your cube a few days later. LAME.

Years of mediocre NYE’s have led to concocting what might be the perfect New Year’s Eve. Get everyone on board by next week, follow this blueprint and I personally guarantee you will have a better time than normal. If not, feel free to call me a fucking asshole on Twitter the next day.  

Pick a Great Venue

First, forget the fucking $150 ticket to a bar that’s a $100 Uber ride away. That’s stupid and here’s why: it’s the least fun part of the night. Nobody likes showing up to a packed establishment where “open bar” means a rail vodka-soda in a shitty 12 ounce plastic cup and you get a fresh one 15 minutes after you two-gulped the last one. Oh, but they have finger food? Piss on that, I can make those mozz sticks in my microwave and at least they’ll be warm and won’t have a stranger’s pubes all over them.

If you absolutely must go to a bar, pick one that’s cheap and within walking distance. That money you’re about to save is going to come in handy for what I’m proposing in a second. The only reason we’re going to a bar here is if we’re in a larger city and the girls in the group demand it or you’re meeting another group out and they’re working a different program. Fair enough.

The ideal situation here is to not go to the bar at all and throw a kick ass cocktail hour/dinner followed by a party, whether it’s at an apartment in the city or in a house or cabin in the Northwoods. EVERYONE overpays on a bar ticket like a dickhead for NYE and it’s always unsatisfying. Go off the grid with a group of your best guy and girl friends and you’ll have a million times more fun.

Editor's Note: My parents were known for their annual New Year's Eve lobster dinners. Every year that my friends and I don't have a New Year's Eve lobster dinner, a small part of me dies inside. Getting blotto in the comforts of my friend's home while sitting at a 16 person table eating shellfish and sappin' champ? That sounds a lot better than hanging out at some club with a bunch of pretentious douchebags with high-maintenance girlfriends. And yeah, I still may be hanging out with some pretentious douchebags (including myself), but at least they're MY pretentious douchebags.

If You’re Single, Plan on Sleeping Alone

Look, I’m not some Joe Hardo who says I have the best game in the world, but I feel like I have to say this: New Year’s Eve is the worst singles night of the year. I feel bad for the ladies because every single dude is dripping thirst. But guys, you have to realize any single girl is going out with a group of other girls and there’s nothing harder than getting in one of those groups without them tearing you to pieces privately, or more embarrassingly, publicly. It’s not worth your trouble. Focus on getting shitfaced and go on the prowl the other 364 nights a year.

Assemble a Killer Squad

Now that we’ve established you’re in this night for pure fun and debauchery, you need to get your group together. No less than 12, no more than say, 25 or 30. More than that is too much work, any less than 12 and it’s just not going to be fun. Find your best 6-10 guy friends and convince the girls you hang out with that you’re planning a funkadelic NYE and handling everything. If you have any charisma or personality, this won’t be too overly difficult and if you’re not, you know the sales guys in your crew, enlist their help. You want the people you have the most fun drinking and hanging out with, I can’t emphasize this enough.

All Gold Everything

If you’re still following my plan at this point, you’re probably thinking, “Yo, OMB, the prissy girls in my crew are pissed because they wanna wear the little black dress and peacock on the town, they fucking hate this.” Au contraire, my friend. This is where all that money you saved is going. Time to ball the fuck out. Only the best for you and the squad on New Year’s Eve: nice cigars, crab cake apps, lobster for dinner, and you’re getting a few bottles of Veuve for midnight. None of that Andre shit. Get a few bottles of high end vodka and bourbon and a few cases of bottled domestic beer, maybe even craft beers if you’re so inclined. I’m not.

Keep the girls involved in the prep of all this, spare no expense, and provide ample opportunities to take great pictures and they’ll totally forget that you were supposed to go to some shitty packed bar in Wrigleyville. With a little luck, you might even get a midnight kiss.