My ideal Jeopardy categories.

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There is no better feeling than when the Teen Tournament is on, and there's no worse feeling than fumbling through a Tournament of Champions. But once every blue moon, there's an episode of Jeopardy where the categories are in your wheelhouse and you could go toe-to-toe with Ken Jennings. If this six-some of spectacular categories ever pops up, ya boy will be LICKIN' HIS CHOPS and mentally planning a victory parade all episode.


Real World Seasons — Not only do I need to be on the Real World, but I have watched this shit incessantly for my entire life. Whether it's your run-of-the-mill season or a Challenge, I'm consuming that shit and reading about it on Vulture and Grantland after.

Example: "Brad, Cameran, Charlie, Frankie, Jacquese, Jamie, Randy, Robin."

Answer: "What is San Diego, 2004?"


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Turn-of-the-Century Red Wings — Because between the ages of 9 and 15, legitimately nothing else mattered in life besides hockey and how I was going to kiss a girl for the first time. Toss in a couple Stanley Cups and you've found yourself a certified poon-hound hockey-head. While we won 3 Stanley Cups over that time period, I'll let you guess what happened Summer 2000 when we weren't in the finals. Here's a hint. And here's what I'm doing right now as you comprehend this.

Example: "This 4th Grind Line member beat the living FUCK out of Claude Lemieux in 1997."

Answer: "Who is Darren motherfucking McCarty?"


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Kid Rock Songs By Lyric — I'm not willing to admit that I cried out of happiness at a Kid Rock concert on two occasions, but I'm also not prepared to go under oath saying I haven't. It's well-documented on Sunday Scaries that I love me some Kid Rock. And not just his music. I love his persona, his beer, his political views, his everything. I could walk in on Kid Rock making out with my mom and I'd probably close the door with my tail between my legs saying, "I'm so sorry, Mr. Rock. I'm so sorry, Mr. Rock. I promise it will never happen again."

Example: "Fuck a bitch, fuck a bitch, fuck a bitch."

Answer: "Alex, what is 'Midnight Train To Memphis'?"


Things That Taste Good With BBQ Sauce — Everyone in the world has "their" condiment. The one that they can put on anything and it will enhance the flavor. While I'm disgusted with the people who put Ranch on everything, BBQ sauce is diverse as hell and truly has no limits. BBQ Chicken Pizza? Done. Any type of meat? Yeah. Baked beans? All day. Potato Chips? Sign me up. And I'm not talking about BBQ-flavored 'tato chips. I'm talking about fully dipping a potato chip into BBQ sauce. Go to the Montgomery Inn in Ft. Mitchell, Kentucky, order the Saratoga Chips, and then try telling me you don't want to dip chips into BBQ sauce for the rest of eternity. Just isn't happening.

Example: "This decadent delight tastes delicious when drizzled with Jack Daniel's signature Signature Smokey Sweet BBQ Glaze."

Answer: "What are Curly Fries?"


Contemporary Reggae Artists — I want to start a bar called "Da Love Shack" and when someone walks in I just scream, "Ahhh! Welcome to Da Love Shack where all ya worries go 'way! Have a Goombay Smash an affa dat, Red Stripes fa' everybodyyyy!" Contemporary Reggae isn't a music genre, it's a lifestyle. And if you see me on a summer Saturday chillin' my face off on a porch somewhere, you best BELIEVE there's going to be some chill-ass Contemporary Reggae on the speakers. Oh, and my shirt? That shit is POPPED OFF 'cause I'm drizzlin' coconut-smelling suntan lotion all over my chest.

Example: "In the song 'Ganja Farmer' from his 2008 album Unconditional Love, he states, 'Deep down inna di earth where me put di ganja. Babylon come and light it up on fire.'"

Answer: "Who is Marlon Asher, Alex?"


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Methods of Entering Water — Pools, lakes, oceans. You name it, I'll swim in it. I'm not saying I can execute every method of entering the water. After all, if I started a band right now, we'd probably be called the Skinny-Fat All-Stars. But I can spot and/or teach methods of entering water from a miles away.  Cannonballs, can-openers, side-bangers, I want it all. I sure as shit could have helped out Kareem Abdul-Jabar on ABC's Splash.

Example: "This method is completed by tucking your knees to your chest and tipping backward into a pool."

Answer: "What is a Lemon Drop?"


Final Jeopardy: Sports Movies

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And if this was the Final Jeopardy question, I'd be chanting "MC-CON-AUG-HEY, MC-CON-AUG-HEY!" before the Jeopardy theme was even done playing. Wouldn't even matter that the other players heard my answer because 1. I would have already answered every question correctly so they'd have zero dollars and would therefore be unable to participate in Final Jeopardy, and 2. Because I'd be en route to the perfect Jeopardy score of $566,400, chanting the final answer would be the least embarrassing thing I'd do. While Alex read my final wager, I'd probably already be shirtless drinking a Goombay Smash behind the podium with my posse lookin' like Willie fuckin' Beamen in his Met-RX "INFLATE YO CHEST" commercial.

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